Promise? »» C.G.

Chapter 61»»Too Much

Carl had to talk to Rick before we let Siddiq in. We walked to his house and he went straight to the bathroom. He closed the door a little hard and I walked up to him. I knocked on the door.

"Carl," I called out. "You okay?"

"Yeah!" He called back. "Yeah, just, just give me a minute." I went to open the door when it was locked. He never locked the door.

"Carl, what's going on?" I asked.

"Nothing, I-I'm fine," he said. "Just don't come in." At this point, I knew something was wrong.

"Carl," I said. "Open this door before I break it down. I'm not kidding. I've broken down a lot of doors in the Sanctuary."

"Just--," he started. "Promise me something?"

"Of course."

"Promise you won't tell anyone. Promise you won't try to get me help."

"What are you talking about?" The door opened and he stood there without his shirt on. I noticed almost immediately the bite mark on his abdomen. I stared at it, trying to process what this meant. Trying to get it into my head that Carl was going to be dead in a few days time. I looked up at his face. He looked disappointed that I wouldn't leave and found this out. I let out a shaky sigh and walked off to grab a shirt. He had called my name like I was leaving to tell someone. I walked back with his new shirt and bandages.

"It needs cleaned at least. Maybe it'll buy you more time," I told him. I pushed him against the bathroom counter and cleaned his wound like it was just any other. He winced and grabbed me to hold in his pain. I put the bandage on it and stood back. Just staring at it. The mistake I probably caused.

"I should've killed him when I had the chance," I told him, still looking at it. "If he were dead in the first moment we seen him, this wouldn't have happened."

"No, we need more people," he told me and I looked up at him. "I don't regret what we did. He needed saving."

"And you'll die in the process." I walked off. I was angry. Resentful. I wanted to kill something or someone. Carl ran after me.

"You know this is about more than just us, right?" He asked me. "More than...more than us. It's about fighting for something greater. Better. Safer." I turned to him.

"You think I still have the Negan mindset right? The one where everyone works for him. Me? Yeah, I think it's a hell of a lot better than watching the people I should care about die! Because of this stupid mistake. Taking him in got you bit, Carl! It got you dying! So, yes, forgive me father for I have sinned because I want the man I love to live!" I panted out of breath from yelling. Tears rolled down my face. I walked off. The others came back. Daryl noticed something was wrong right away. He sat down beside me.

"You gonna tell me?" He asked as we looked over the lake. Carl had stayed in the house all day.

"Carl..." I started. I wanted to spill to Daryl, but I couldn't break my promise. "We got in a fight, that's all."

"You two lovebirds," Daryl said. "Whatever happened, whatever you fought about, just go apologize. You don't have time to fight. You barely have enough time to live." I wanted to laugh about how ironic that sentence was. Carl didn't have much time. And Daryl was right. It was stupid to fight with him knowing he didn't have long. I just nodded.

"Thanks, Daryl," I told him. He just nodded. I got up and found Carl sitting in his room. In the corner. Notes were on the floor. I leaned on the frame as I watched him write. He looked up slightly and noticed me standing in the door. I looked down.

"Goodbye letters?" I asked. He gave a small nod. "Do I get one?"

"Of course you do," he said.

"I don't want one. It's not because of any reason other than I just don't want to say goodbye."

"We won't. I have a plan."

"You do?" He nodded.

"I'm gonna do it," he said. "Put a bullet in my head."

"I want to be there," I told him. Tears started to fall. "At your bedside. Sitting next to you while you point it away from me. Holding your hand."

"No." He got up, and caused himself slight pain.

"Carl," I told him. "I don't care about your objections. I want this. I want you. I can't--I don't get you for long anymore so I'm going to be here for you, be here with you every single step. So you can write me a goodbye letter, but the last words you ever speak will be to me--." I started walking to him. "You're gonna tell me how much you love me. You're gonna kiss me goodbye. You're gonna hold my hand and squeeze it as tight as you can while you pull the trigger and I'm gonna feel as you let go. Take your last breath." I stood right up at him. "I'm gonna be with you. Because I couldn't hold my dad's hand as he died. Or my grandpa's. Beth's. You're gonna let me hold your hand when you die." He nodded. He leaned down and we kissed. He held me as tight as he could without causing himself pain, but he probably had discomfort. I stayed in Carl's company until that night. I did rounds and as I did them...I heard thumping. Then,

"You may be wondering why the hell your lookouts didn't sound the alarm." Negan's voice rung out. "See, we are polite. I mean, I don't know when they're gonna wake up from that shot, but they should wake up. So let's just cut through the cow shit-- you lose. It's over. So you're gonna line up in front of your little houses, and you're gonna work up some apologies, and then the person with the lamest one is gonna get killed. Then I kill Rick in front of everybody, and we move on. I get my kid back. You have three-- count 'em, three minutes to open this gate, or we start bombing the shit out of you!" My body filled with panic. I ran to find Carl. He was with Michonne. Negan whistled as I ran. He grabbed my hand when I found him. Carl decided we would cause a distraction. Make it look like we were going one way and went another. Negan's whistle was taunting to me and I couldn't focus.

"Two minutes, people!" Negan called out. "Dig deep." My mind actually raced with an apology. 'I'm sorry I didn't come back to you. I'm sorry I hit you. I shouldn't have. It was stupid and I was only thinking of myself. I should've thought about you and the bigger picture. I'll come back. Work harder. Help you kill anyone you want dead.' "I want these apologies to be memorable. Bonus points for creativity." Daryl put his hand on my shoulder.

"Stop thinking," he told me. "I can see it on your face. Stop."

"Work up a poem, sing a song. I love that shit." Carl called to get going. They started working as he kept whistling. They discussed what was right. Carl was being a leader for once. Negan called one minute and we raced against the clock. Negan would have this home.

"Okeydokey," Negan called out. "Brought this on yourself, Rick. See, I was willing to work with you. All you had to do was follow a few very simple rules. Now -- Well, now I see that you got to go. Scorched earth, you dick!"

"He's not home," Carl said he and I faced Negan.

"Oh-ho-holy shit! Everybody hold your fire." He had a lot of guns aiming our way. "It's Carl and (Y/n). Look at you. Answering the door like a big boy. You got the balls from my daughter, didn't you? I am so proud. Daddy's not home, huh? Well, I guess he's gonna get back to a big ole smoky surprise."

"There's families in here."

"Kids," I called out. "You don't want to hurt kids, now do you? Dad?" I knew what I was doing, calling him that. He turned to me. He shook his head a bit. "Carl's little sister. Remember? The one you just adored?"

"Well, that shit just breaks my heart," he told us. "There's kids at the Sanctuary. She knows that. You must've seen 'em. Even had a little baby at one of the outposts. Right, who was it that bashed in the baby's daddy's skull? Wasn't me." I looked down a bit. "I wonder what happened to her."

"She's safe," I told him. "Safe from you." He walked a bit.

"None of this shit's fair, kid," he told us without the mic. "Hell, you both know that. You had to kill your own mom." I felt Carl's eyes on me. I told Negan a lot. Hell,

too much.