Another Door Opens

56 - Birth and death and life

- EDEN -

Two weeks later.

I got a call from Wolfe as I was signing the necessary paperwork before my procedure to tell me that they were on their way to hospital---the very same hospital considering this particular hospital has an extensive gynaecology and women's health clinic attached to it---after Luna’s water broke in the shower. I could hear her complaining to him about not having allowed her to dry her hair before he whisked her into his Grand Cherokee and drove flat out to the hospital emergency room.

The irony of my best friend bringing new life into the world while I'm following through on my decision not to do the same isn't lost on me. I also feel like an insensitive cow considering my other best friend has been through hell and back as well trying to get to the position I've fallen into unknowingly and unwillingly in getting pregnant.

Wolfe asked me to call Nella quickly to let her know while he called Luna’s mother, and I did as was requested, and felt even more shit for it when I heard Nella’s overjoyed but heartbreaking receiving of Luna’s news that she was about to become a mother. Which Nella still isn’t despite how desperately she wants to be, and which I’m about to voluntarily not be.

One signature, a general anaesthetic, and a suction curettage from now.

Penn had been tasked with the responsibility of getting me to and from the hospital before and after the procedure. Apparently it's best to not be driving yourself afterwards, which makes a lot of sense. 

My uncle kissed me goodbye once I'd signed myself in for the surgery, telling me he loved me and would be right there when it was over and I was ready to go home.

My surgeon went through the procedure and asked me again whether I was certain this was what I wanted. 

When I went to my GP to discuss my options and get a referral for this surgery, she asked if I wanted to speak with a counsellor to help me 'make an informed decision,' like I hadn't yet weighed up my options every second of every waking minute since the first drop of pee fell on the first bloody stick.

I know she was just doing her job, just like I know my surgeon now is just doing the ethical thing in following procedure to make sure I know what I'm doing, understand the risks, and am confident in my decision. But part of it still felt like judgement or disagreement. 

Of course, that could just be my own internalised shame as a result of being a woman in a time where we are still judged unfairly for our reproductive choices, demonised for being sexual beings in the first place, and have to fight like hell to maintain our bodily autonomy and protect it from repeated, oppressive, patriarchal attempts to control and abuse all of the above.

I’ve always been pro-choice, and I am grateful that I live in a state and a country where I can make the decision to have an abortion and do so safely. Where evidence-based information is freely available, and supports are inherently offered so I don’t have to go through this myself. Where this procedure is being supervised by trained professionals with a wealth of experience and confidence in what they’re doing, using high quality medical supplies and medications in a safe, sterile environment where I know the risks are reduced significantly by that simple fact alone. Where I don’t have to sacrifice eating and work overtime for weeks to be able to pay for it.

I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like not to have that freedom and security, and I feel so sorry for those who’ve come before me and those still facing these challenges now. Every woman and person able to get pregnant should have access to the services they need to feel secure in their own bodies and choices.

“I’m sure.”

- - -

Penn was seated in the waiting area when I was finally allowed to leave and head out to meet him. By the looks of him and how wired and jumpy he was, I’m guessing he's had a fair few caffeinated beverages while he waited for me. Or maybe I’m still functioning at a slower pace than usual after the anaesthetic so he seems more alert than usual.