Another Door Opens

26 - The Self Pep Talk

- EDEN -

I can do this.

I've been on first dates before. 

I'm a desirable person worthy of love and intimacy.

I've had sex with someone new for the first time before.

Why should this be any different?

Not that I'm going to be actively trying to have sex with this guy tonight. I barely know him beyond some words shared back and forth via text. I haven't even heard his voice.

I swear I’ve changed my outfit a thousand times this afternoon trying to figure out which set of clothes is appropriate for a first date, and which gives off the best ‘I’m a confident woman and am dressing this way for me, not you’ energy. I don’t want to go into this new dating venture trying to fill a void that actually doesn’t exist. Any efforts I make for a date are being made almost exclusively for me because I want to, not because I’m trying to impress anyone. Those days for me are long gone, and I’d rather be myself and have someone find themselves interested in me for who I am than someone I’m trying to be just to impress them.

I settled on my standard attire in the end -- denim shorts, a plain t-shirt, light cardigan, my Docs and the faintest hint of natural make-up. It’s basically what I wear every other day, and feels so much more comfortable than a few of the nicer dresses I tried on briefly in my search for what to wear. I feel like it captures who I am pretty well, and definitely helped alleviate some of the nerves I was feeling by not being in an outfit that I kept questioning or trying to make sit better because I wasn’t used to wearing it.

I made the decision to meet him at the restaurant instead of accepting his offer to pick me up, remembering my promise to my friends the other day that I would be careful. Keeping a mode of transportation handy in case I needed to make a swift getaway and not giving out my home address seemed like me holding myself accountable to that promise.

I don’t think he was overly enthused about the idea, but agreed to meet me there all the same. We happened to pull up in the carpark around the same time, and when we both got out of our respective cars and moved towards each other, my whole body started to panic. Even more so when he immediately leaned in for a kiss, whereas I was about to proffer my hand for a shake.

Dude, I don’t know you. Don’t assume I want to kiss you on first meeting. It’s creepy, but clearly he wasn’t picking up on how uncomfortable I was by it. Nor was he aware that I wasn’t at all agreeable to him placing his hand on the small of my back as we turned and walked in the direction of the restaurant.

“I’m glad I didn’t go the fancier option and actually wear slacks and a shirt given you clearly dressed down too,” he said, looking me up and down and making me feel so judged, and not in a good way. I actually thought I looked nice. Neat casual, but nowhere near as ‘dressed down’ as he’s making me out to be. I even accessorised with a large crystal macrame necklace and giant gold hoops to fancy it all up a little, and it’s not like what I’m wearing is at all cheap. My shoes cost a couple hundred dollars when I bought them, my shorts are Levi’s and the t-shirt and cardigan are small-run, handmade items from a local designer which weren’t what I would consider inexpensive.

“Glad you approve,” I said sarcastically, already wanting to turn around and go home but forcing myself to stick this out and get over my nervous hurdles about dating again. Just like Mason said, I probably need to rip off the bandaid, remember how to do this again, and then hopefully it will stop being so nerve-wracking and uncomfortable.

We were seated at a table and given menus within no time, not that I needed one. I get the same thing every time I come here---vegetarian laksa with spring rolls as an entree. I’ve considered branching out a couple times and trying something else, but why mess with a good thing?