Another Door Opens

52 - Break up sex

“Eden, I’m sorry you’re struggling with this.” Not an apology.

“I’m actually not. I want to understand why and how all of this happened so I can avoid it in future. Surprisingly enough, I’d just like to know how I can be enough for a solitary partner so it doesn’t warrant me being cheated on multiple times with seven different women and counting within a three month period.”

"Eden, come on. It’s not like that. It’s never been like that. I don't mean to make you feel bad or like you're not enough," he implored, genuinely seeming like he meant what he said and it was making him feel shit knowing he's made me feel completely inadequate as a partner. "Because it's really not like that, and I don't think that about you. This is just how I've been dating for a while now and I feel comfortable in shaping my relationships this way."

"Okay," I started, trying my best not to scream out how completely deficient he’s making me feel. "But why didn't you tell me this in the beginning? I might have tread a little lighter with my heart if I had known this is how you wanted our relationship to be because I know I can’t do this. If it works for you, then power to you and I wish you the best in it. But I find all the ins and outs of engaging in one relationship hard enough, I can barely even imagine how anyone would cope with maintaining more than that."

"I'm aware this is going to sound and come across like I'm a selfish, cheating fuckboi or whatever." He looked tense, like he was trying to figure out the best set of words to explain his true meaning so I didn't assume that is exactly what he is. It’s too late anyway. That is the only way I will probably think about him now. "I enjoy dating. Meeting new people, being vulnerable with them, seeing them be the same with me. And, not gonna lie, I like sex; intimacy. You know this, because you've experienced it with me. And I love that I can experience that with multiple people."

And this, I believe, is where we differ most. I hate dating. The very thought of it, let alone the actual reality of meeting and being vulnerable with new people, transforms my insides into whatever the most complex sailing or shibari knot there is. 

I like being in a relationship. I like sharing almost everything with someone. I like feeling coveted by someone who thinks the world of me. I'd just like someone who wants the same from me too. Just me. 

From that first cocktail date with Austin and how quickly we hit it off, how consistently we've seen and spoken to each other since---though how he was able to do that alongside banging everyone else is beyond my exhausted thought processes to understand right now---I'd believed that he felt the same about me as I did him. This giant revelation that his preference would always be to experience what we hada together with many other people too, blows my mind.

"Okay, so despite having feelings for me and wanting to have a relationship with me, you’d still want the option of dating, hooking up, or otherwise having full relationships with other people as well?" 

"Well, yeah, kind of. Call it the relationship anarchist in me, but why shouldn't we be allowed to explore alternative ways of connecting? Why does monogamy have to be the only acceptable option?" I could tell by his expression and tone that he genuinely meant it, and it made my stomach twist even tighter when he reached to hold my hand. "I do love you, Eden, and I don't want to not be dating you anymore. You're gorgeous and sweet and kind, and we have so much fun together. But are you seriously telling me that in the time we've been seeing each other that there hasn't been any other people you've met or hung out with who you wouldn't be interested in dating or sleeping with as well?"

I couldn't stop my mind racing to thoughts of Miles if I tried. In this, I understand so completely where Austin is coming from. But it's the follow through that I'm not convinced I could act on, and that's what I told him.