Perdita

43 | storm inside me

'This is what happens when you get ahold of yourself'.' The voice in my head hissed. 'You'll never be happy. You don't even know how it feels like.'

I ignored it. As always I pushed it down instead of facing it. I told myself the same excuse all over again. I'm too tired to fight. Always with the same excuse for years. In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself old and wrinkled, still telling myself the same thing as my soul faded away into darkness for eternity.

Or earlier, as I hope it would.

I felt the underlying hatred for my brothers in the pit in my stomach again. I felt this way each time I had sleep paralysis, which happened every single sleep. I hated all of them for keeping me alive. Did they want me to suffer? I tried telling myself that they didn't know about sleep paralysis. But I couldn't deny that they knew about the years of torture I've endured. Did they think I would get over it?

I would never get over it. The damage was done and there was no going back.

They wanted me to be alive for their sake. To keep them sane. For their own selfish reasons. If they truly loved me deeply without any selfish desires, they would have let me die a long time ago. To let me rest in peace for once and all.

Why keep a broken girl who wants to die living only for her to suffer further?

The hate only grew after that night I was drugged. They forced me to live, even Alex who I cared for and trusted more than others, and the only thing I've gotten was a slap of reality that I would never be happy.

But I knew by the following morning, I would wake up to go to the mirror. I would look at it, remembering what Mother told me. I will force myself to smile or laugh in the mirror. Then I'll convince everybody I was healing perfectly - so good that even I convinced myself. The hatred I felt for my brothers each night would disappear momentarily. At moments, I even felt happy but they were always fleeting when nightmares came to remind me of the reality.

In the basement, the light came with the monsters. Out here, it's different. My demons and nightmares will not follow me during the daytime. At nights, they haunt me endlessly.

I hated myself for feeling the hatred and anger for my brothers too easily all while I couldn't even muster up the energy to be angry or hate Kodiak. He was behind everything yet I hated the people who I cared about more than him.

I knew it was because I cared about the brothers, even coming to love some of them.

All of the people I cared about betrayed me and their deception would be painted over easily with my love for them. Guilt gnawed at me that I sometimes felt the way about them while some of them did nothing but be so good to me.

But so did Mother and Mia.

I've heard some say men were the worst gender. To me, it was the opposite. Women were the worst and most dangerous. They're secretive, hiding their poisonous soul behind a kind mask. You never see them coming. People say poison is a woman's weapon. Some call it cowardly but to me, it was the worst way to die. To have someone you love or trust hand over you poison and drink only to realize you've been crossed too late. They use your own heart to cut you deep to the core. They know the words to hurt you. Men replied on sheer physical strength to hurt you and you could see it coming most of the time. The latter hurt a lot less.

I admit it helped a little that my family was all men, not women - considering the women in my past.

I dragged my legs out of the bed to take a quick shower, to take rid of all the sweat on my skin. Of course, as my luck deems, my legs gave up on me the moment I tried to stand up. I've walked around far too much today. I knew I would be using a wheelchair tomorrow, to my dismay.