KISMET

SNOWFALL

LISA

I accompanied Jennie during her shoot for the music video. It was a two day shoot and I just love assisting her. 

Even if she told me to stop being affectionate to her, I still can't stop seeing her. I want to be with my wife even if she doesn't need me at all. I love spending time and taking care of our kids even if sometimes she gives me signals that I should limit our interaction together. 

Why can't I stop? I just can't. I love her and I want to really change for the better. But every time she tells me to cut my romantic connection towards her, I am losing hope. Maybe I make her feel uneasy? 

Lisa, understand her. What she went through when you're still together wasn't a joke. You hurt her. You gave her problems. You made her suffer because you were so problematic. Do you think it's easy for Jennie to move on from that? If she wants to move on from you then it's up to her.

I am here now lying on bed and crying while hugging my pillow. I am all alone in this condo unit longing for my wife and kids. I don't know if there's still a chance for us to be in each other's arms again or what. 

You have to learn the hard way, Lisa. If you made Jennie marry you that easy, it's different now. She got tired of you. She doesn't even trust you at all. 

I regret everything I did. And if it means I have to suffer just to get her back, I am so willing to endure all the pain because I deserve this. I have to work harder to win Jennie's heart. But should I really continue if she's the one asking me to back off?

I don't know what to do now.

Yesterday, she reminded me again about the divorce. She got the money she earned from the music video. I heard her talking to a friend over the phone if how much will it cost if she's the one to file for divorce.

Should I let her go? Jennie deserves to be happy. Why am I still not giving her what she wants? I lied to her. I told her yesterday that my lawyer is processing it already. 

Because I am hopeful that we will be complete again as a family. I admit, I am doing what I can to gain her trust again, but I also understand that it's not that easy. 

Every thought in my head now is eating me whole and gripping my throat strongly. The other night, I asked her to have dinner with me but she said she can't as Eun-woo asked her out. 

I know we are still married on papers, but I cannot tell Jennie what to do or not. She has a life. She has a heart to heal. She has her own decisions that I should respect. I cannot dictate her. I knew it. I felt that this director is interested to get to know her.

I stood up and went to the balcony. I am stopping myself to get a glass of whiskey. I am alcohol free for months and I should not be tempted just because I am so fucking sad right now. 

"Do I still  have a purpose here in the world, Lord? Please give me a sign." 

My tears kept falling as I am staring blankly around London from my balcony. 

I am not happy being alone here. I want to be with my wife and children. But I can't just bring myself in their lives if they don't want me to be there always. 

I kept gazing on other buildings. I could see from windows some family celebrating. I wonder why everyone is happy. And why am I here all alone in this dark condo unit.

Lisa, if you did not do unforgivable things in the past, you are probably celebrating Christmas eve with Jennie and your children now. 

Shit! I just realized it's the 24th of December when I entered back inside my unit and looked at the clock with a date today.