KISMET

TRUST THE PAIN

LISA

I sold my house and transferred to a condominium near the city center. I totally stopped drinking and smoking.

The environment I am in now is so new but I am still having anxieties especially at night. I do exercise. I run. But why is it I am still this wasted even if I changed my lifestyle?

I try to eat healthy foods. It somehow helps me think positively. But when I go to bed and wake up in the morning, I still sob and feel like I have no meaning in the world. Like I don't have a purpose anymore. I vomit all the time thinking of my loss. I lost my family. Looking back, how stupid I am for wasting the chance of being with Jennie and my kids. They were there, waiting at home for me everyday. I ignored their happy faces whenever they see me around. I took my wife for granted. I was blind to see how beautiful she is. She took care of me, loved at me at my worst and unconditionally stayed even if I was so hard to deal with.

I want to see my wife and my children. I want to be with them. If only I'll be given another chance, I will do everything not to lose them again.

Why did I hurt Jennie that much? Why did I go womanizing even if I was not happy with it? What was I aiming? Why did I look for difficulties when Jennie made herself as my home?

I am having tantrums here at my condo. Walking back and forth, crying and screaming like a child. I don't know what to do.

I dialed Jennie's number. She's not picking up my call.

L: Jen, can I see you? I am shaking. I really want to see you. Please. Jennie, please. I won't harm you. I won't come near you. Just please let me see you even from afar.

I am expecting for her to respond. But I think I should not.

I tried to drink warm water to calm me. But my heart is racing so fast again. Fuck! I didn't have any idea that this would be the effect of losing Jennie.

I am still crying. I could not control my trembling flesh.

My phone showed a notification. It's from her.

God. After several weeks, she finally responded! Thank you, Lord!

J: Breathe through your nose and exhale through your mouth. Remember our practice? Have you taken your medicine already? Please do.

Cold. But she cares for me really. Lisa, how can you let this kind of woman slip away?

L: I will. Here, I am taking one now. I am sorry to disturb you. I miss you! Please, let me see you. I am begging.

I immediately took my medicine. Knowing that Jennie replied to me somehow calmed me.

J: It's not me that you need to see, Lisa. Have you visited your therapist lately?

I was dumfounded after reading it.

Yeah. Maybe I should. I really have to.

L: Not yet. I am scared of what I might find out again.

J: Don't be afraid. You already know the existence of those in you. You just need someone to make you realize that it's really there and you need to heal too. Help yourself. Are you eating healthy?

L: I am trying to eat healthy. But this sadness consumes me, Jen. When will I see you and the kids?

J: At the right time, Lisa. I am not taking them away from you. I want you to be with yourself first. We were there for you but we couldn't help you. Instead, we maybe triggered some of your buttons. I am so sorry.