KISMET

ROAD TO STRAIN

JENNIE

When we had an accident that night, she got hospitalized. Her arm she used to protect me was broken and it took several weeks for her to live with a cemented cast. She stayed at the hospital for three weeks because her heart also needs to be monitored. It's really becoming terrible. So many times that we were told by her doctor that it's about time for her to get a heart replacement surgery but she really doesn't agree with that.

I can't live peacefully thinking that anytime, she will collapse again and suffer from her ailment.

But you know what hurts most living with her everyday? It's her being not always at home. It's been months too that Lisa is cold towards people. She doesn't even talk to me at all.

I have been asking her to visit her therapist but she just ignored me and continue with her life. Her time for the kids is less. She would just go home late and sleep, not even minding to eat with us. Then in the morning, she'll wake up so early and go to work. 

I understand that she is handling a big airline company and really needs to be at the office. But there are times that she won't really come home. When I ask her, it's either she stays at the office overnight or meet her pilot friends and have a drink. 

I am really trying not to think of other possible things she does. 

Lisa is going through her worst event in life. As much as I want to help her, she won't let me in. She never talked to her family again. I really feel the hurt she's feeling.

But the old routine is back. She forgets to provide for us. Good thing I have saved a little from the money she was giving me before for our food and some necessities. Still, it can't sustain our daily needs. I just wait for her to give me. The fear is back because there was a time that I asked messaged her to buy our children's milk, she bought but got angry the moment she came home.

I want to work, but how can I do it if she still doesn't allow me to do so? And who will take care of the kids? She doesn't like hiring a nanny. 

But who am I to complain? I am just her wife.

I don't know how I deal with this life. Everyday is like hell. I can't just leave her because I know in my heart that I love her so much. We have been through this phase and I know that we can survive. Lisa being hurt is hard to deal with but I did. 

Kylie is turning one in a month. I am trying to get the best timing so Lisa and I can talk if how we are going to celebrate it. As usual, she is not interested and she said we'd rather save the money for Marcus' operation in the future and our daily expenses. 

Lisa, you are earning so big. I don't demand something for myself. All I want is for the kids to have a good life even if it's not that much. I just want a simple but healthy life for them. Do not starve your kids and make them feel you don't have their time. 

So many nights spent that we both argue because she's not coming home. It reached to a point that she would yell at me already. And it ends with the same ways, I just keep my mouth shut and cry. 

I asked help from Rosé and my mother already if they can speak to Lisa. I am not fine with what's happening to our marriage. If she doesn't like this or doubts to love me anymore, why can't she tell me? Why is she still holding on?

I failed. Lisa doesn't really want to talk to anybody. 

And no, Jennie. You. Why are you still holding on?