A Court of Snow and Storms

16. Small Steps

For the first time in almost more than a year, Wynter sat down to answer a letter from his mother. That was the message he'd asked his father to give Viviane when they were out on business the day prior. "Tell her to write to me again, and I promise I will answer," he'd said. And Kallias had done so. There was a letter on his desk no more than an hour after he returned home.

Wynter waited until Ellie left for the evening before reading the letter. Then, he'd read it again. And again. And again. Thinking all the while what he would say in response. He almost felt nervous. A year and he'd spoken to his mother once. A year and this was the first time he was going to answer one of her letters.

Guilt and shame washed over him. Wynter closed his eyes, bowing his head. What kind of son did that? What kind of son shunned his own mother so completely? He massaged his forehead, biting his lower lip. What could he say to even attempt to make things right?

Wynter sighed, the sound thick with emotion. His gaze fell to the strand of periwinkles Ellie had threaded through his hair. Wynter touched the delicate petals, thinking. At last, he brought his pen down to a clean sheet of paper and began to write.

Mother,

You were right. You were right and I'm sorry I didn't listen before now. I didn't want to be alone. I never did, but I'm ashamed and guilty and afraid. It felt easier to just try to bear my burden alone. But you were right. I wasn't fine. I wasn't all right. I couldn't be alone anymore.

I'm still not who I was. I don't think I ever will be. But, I do feel better. I feel a little happier. I'm not so alone anymore. I followed your advice and let Elodie Rohese in. She's helping me more than I thought possible.

I ask that you don't question her about me. Don't try to contact her, or speak about her interactions with me with any member of her family. Her family is amongst those who don't think very highly of me, and I'm worried her affiliation with me could cause her trouble if she's found out.

I wish I could ask you to come visit me, but I'm not ready for that yet. I'm going to take small steps. I know I won't panic with Ellie, but I'm wary of anyone else, and I couldn't bear to have to be wary of you. When I'm ready, I'll ask you to come. Until then, I promise to answer every letter you send me, as I should have from the start.

I love you, Mother. I hope that one day, you and Father will forgive me for all of this.

~ Wynter

He sent the letter before he had a chance to rethink his words. Wynter exhaled slowly, feeling as though a weight had been lifted from his chest. Small steps. A smile spread across his lips. He would take small steps. Ellie was the first step. Mitsi had been the second. Perhaps Colette could be the third.

He rose and left his room. Wynter slid down the banister and found Colette in a sitting room. She was busy dusting, even though there wasn't a speck of dust in the entire house. Colette glanced over her shoulder.

"You seem unusually happy," she said. "Does it have to do with a certain female?" Colette gave him a mischievous grin.

"No," Wynter replied, even as heat spread through his cheeks. "I answered Mother's letter."

"Really?" Colette raised her eyebrows. "That's good news. Viviane will be so happy."

"Is she doing well?"

Colette's lips quirked sideways. "As well as she can. She keeps herself busy but she doesn't sleep much. She's usually spouting threats to Kallias about those who disrespect you."