Amelia wasn't looking for love. She wasn't looking for anything. All she wanted was to enjoy her vacation and celebrate her best friend's wedding. Little did she know she would develop feelings for a complete stranger. Maybe he felt the same way abo...
Oh my God! She was going to have a panic attack. At first she didn't recognize the signs. It came on slowly.
She was walking around the apartment, listening to the realtor and trying to imagine how it would be living there. She was fine at first, she was even starting to like the place. Somehow there was a familiar feeling about it.
It was when they turned a corner and came into what was the bedroom, that it hit her. This was the same layout as Jack's apartment. Everything was placed in the exact same place. Bathroom was right across from the bedroom, kitchen to the left, entry way to the right. She inhaled deeply as her mind gave her images of what it was like to live with him.
A sense of impending danger came over her. Her heart started pounding rapidly and the rush of blood was loud in her ears. For a few seconds it blocked out all sound. She was sweating and very close to shaking. Suddenly she felt as if the walls were starting to close in on her. She felt flushed and an intense heat came over her entire body. She felt dizzy and her hands were freezing cold. She couldn't loose it like this in front of Chase. It had been too long since she had an attack. She thought she was over this. She thought that she was in control and that Jack couldn't hurt her anymore. Apparently, she was wrong. Her memories were her own tormentor.
She was looking out the window in an attempt to distract herself from passing out. She tried to focus on the passing cars and the people walking on the side walk. She breathed quietly and tried to will herself back to normal.
Something about this place triggered her memory of the fear she felt at Jack's hands. The night she got the scar, the same one she tried to cover with a, tattoo came rushing back to her memory. She could almost see it happening like she was watching a movie of herself. She hated that moment in her past. She hated that she was weak and let him tower over her like that. She was ashamed of allowing him into her life and for making her feel as if she was nothing. She knew that it was stupid to feel this way. The abuse wasn't her fault, but it didn't stop her from hating herself.
Chase was speaking to her and it took a a lot of self control to respond to him. He was asking if she liked the place. He looked very happy and she knew he was in love with this apartment. She felt sick to her stomach. She didn't want to do this to Chase. It wasn't fair. He shouldn't have to settle because of her issues. How was she going to tell him that she couldn't live here. She really couldn't do that to herself, even as a sacrifice for Chase. How does one move on if they are still being haunted by demons of the past?
She barely managed to saw a few words to him and even to her own ears, she wasn't making much sense. She knew that he knew something was up. It was only a matter of time before he tried to help her. He was always protecting her, being her hero, loving her. She felt her stomach drop, like she was falling from a great height. The room got dark for a second and she realized she needed to get out of here, immediately. She needed air, she needed sunshine, she just needed out.
"Can we go outside for a moment?" she managed to say.
She was astonished by the normalcy in her voice when she spoke. On the inside she was about to completely self destruct. Funny how that was. You could be dying on the inside and everyone around you would be none the wiser. It was life's biggest deception how that worked.
After hearing Chase say "sure," she practically ran from the room.
She headed towards the stairs and she didn't even know if he was following her, or if he was left standing there in shock at her abrupt behavior. She hoped he was following her. Though she was running, she needed him. She wasn't running from him. She was running from the memories of her past.
Amelia knew that she had some major explaining to do and she wanted Chase to be right there when she was ready to talk. She knew him. He would be patient and kind. He would give her time to compose herself. He would ask if there was anything he could do. He would take her into his arms, kiss her head and try to sooth the demons away. She could practically hear him telling her it would be ok.
The problem with all of that was that she was starting to think that maybe she didn't deserve him. He was perfect and she wasn't. She was damaged goods. Maybe even damaged beyond repair, zero salvage value. As much as she tried and tried, she always ended up here, trying to pull herself together. How many times was she going to fall apart exactly? She wished she had a definite number, so that she would know when this feeling would end and never return.
As she pushed the door open, freezing air washed over her. It seeped into her clothes and felt cool in all the places where she was overheated. She inhaled and exhaled deeply, filling her lungs.
if she didn't get it together, she was going to ruin Chase's life and their relationship. He deserved to be happy, not to be with someone who was a psychological wreck. She closed her eyes and she heard him behind her. He did follow her, thank God.
"Li, are you ok?"
She heard the worry and panic in his voice. She'd done this to him. She felt awful and was very disappointed with herself. She needed to start talking. She owed it to him.
She turned around to face him and saw that his face was creased with worry. His expression was stark and there was fear in his eyes. It tugged at her heart to see him like and it was all because of her.
"I'm sorry. I'm not ok. Something happened...up there."
She stopped, she needed to sit down. He had moved closer and was reaching for her. She let him pull her into his chest. He held her and kissed her head, just like she knew he would.
"Baby, whatever it is, you can tell me. I'm here for you. No judgment."
Why did he have to be so perfect? Why did he have to say the right things in the right moments? She knew that she was going to have to tell him everything. She had to say the things that she never admitted out loud if she wanted this to work.
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