Splicing of Changes

Chapter 59

Love. A simple four-letter word holds so much meaning. So much importance. And it scares us so much sometimes. Why though? Why does it scare us? Why do we run from love? When we should embrace it. It helps us, make us happy, giddy even. It brightens up our day. So then why don't we let ourselves feel it? Why run? Love is such a simple word yet such a complex emotion to understand. To express and certainly to embrace. At least it is for me.

It was nice of me to think I want to grasp life by its horns. If only it was that easy. I mean it is not hard per se. Only problem is that I forgot I had scheduled meetings where I am supposed to recount my nightmare in front of strangers who keeps it in recording. Also, how can I forget or overlook the fact that they then ask me questions regarding them. Which further manipulates my nightmare. Not the real incident is manipulated, just my nightmare with a floating head attacking me with a sinister smile. Wow. I might just give myself a daymare, is that even a word? Well, a nightmare during daytime, like right now.

It's been some time. School year is slowly coming to an end. Which means prom and graduation. That also means my time to express my feelings are narrowing as well. On that note Lee told me it's okay to take time to say those words. Which means she knows what she whispered that night at the sleepover. And it also means she knows I heard it and have yet to reciprocate it. Well technically I did tell her when Zach asked but not really to her, if that makes sense. We are sort of together now. Sort of because I have not asked her to be my girlfriend yet. A thing I am planning to do today. As I finished my last session of recounting my nightmare for now. Now Simone will do her magic and the court case will take place, however it will. I am not going to appear or have to record any more. That part is over for now till...well I have no idea.

I wanted to ask Lee properly and well free from my past demons which does not like to stay in the past. They want to invade my present and make my present a living hell as well. Oh well, I am glad it is over for now. At least. For now. How wonderful those words feel to utter? Yet they do not bring much satisfaction as one would hope. How could they? After all they do not hold the promise or the certainty of it remaining in the past or ending. Still for me they are good enough. And I am happy to have at least that.

Plans are already in motion at least in my head. By plans I mean the way I want to ask Lee to be my girlfriend. Okay, I should tell you all that I like to address my partners with the respect the relationship deserves. Hence, us continuing to kiss without me asking Lee to be my girlfriend was killing me. A fact Zach knows, as he constantly teased me about. Also, Zach is still here. Because of all the times he was called as well to record and for my moral support he stayed. Although most of my friends met him, Danny is the only one still suspicious and distant with him. Distant I understand but why suspicious though.

For now, my plan is simple. Go to hangout. Decorate it a bit. Ask my friends to not show up till at least 6 pm. Because by then I know I would be finished with asking Lee as well as we would have some alone time to enjoy the moment. Buy Lee's favorite cake and play her favorite music while I ask her with a paper inside a balloon. Not that creative I know. I thought of many ideas, but the balloon seems appropriate and perfect for us. It sort of is the best way. We both feel like we were deprived of having a pure unadulterated childhood in some ways. So, we sometimes try to enjoy them among ourselves, which if any of our friends see they always ask us about it. Whether verbally or just by quirking an eyebrow that depends on the situation they witnessed.

I am on my way to the café to get Lee's favorite red velvet cake with cream cheese on top along with vanilla ice cream. It's something she loves, and she particularly likes the one made in the café only. Although taking the ice cream is a little concerning since we do not have a refrigerator at the hangout. Now that I think about it, I should ditch the ice cream altogether or buy it later. I do need to go buy a balloon and then put the paper in it. Which means I would have to blow it up. Damn! Okay. I can do it. I called Tori to pick me up from school today. I cannot go with Lee to get everything ready for her surprise and neither can I go with Jeff who I purposely asked not to go to the hangout till later. Hence, Tori is the perfect option. Plus, with her it would be easier. She would tease a little less than Jeff. Just a tad bit less though. And might also help me with this.