Loving the Fighter

128

Carter's POV

Days had passed since my little out burst and since then things have been a little tense.

It was hard to notice at first, maybe because I was so out of it or maybe because they cared more about hiding it but as the days went on, it only became clearer. They were afraid of me.

Liam, Andrew, especially Ryder; all of them were afraid of me. I could tell by the way they glanced at me when they thought I wasn't looking. Or the way their eyes lingered when I got irritated.

I had picked up on it on only the second day and since then I went back to the way things were before. I only fronted at meals again, making sure to stay as calm as possible to keep from upsetting anyone.

I can tell Jax is starting to catch on though. He keeps offering to let me front but I keep shooting him down; every time I do, guilt runs through him. I can tell he feels bad for what happened that day when he tried to keep me from fronting but I didn't really care. He could handle me not fronting if it meant Liam and Ryder were more at ease.

It has been about four days now since the old routine took form again and it seemed everyone was starting to notice so I'm not surprised when I see Callum's unhappy face staring at Jax when we get back from a session.

"You really thought we wouldn't catch on," Callum grumbles out.

"Catch onto what," Jax asked hesitantly as he took off his shoes.

"The fact that Carter isn't fronting nearly as often for some reason," Liam filled in, his face turning unreadable as he stalked forward, making Jax tense ever so slightly.

"I think we need to talk to Carter," Ryder says after a few more minutes.

'You heard them,' he said as he tried to fall back but I force him to stay up front.

I don't feel like it. Jax huffs.

'Running away from your problems yet again I see,' he teased as if he hadn't just insulted me. 

I can't help but glare as I shove him back onto the couch.

"We're going to let you explain first," Callum explained gently but I could tell it was forced out. He was still plenty pissed.

My fingers play with each other as I tried to think of a way out of this.

"Do you want Jax's fidget," Ryder asked carefully as he took a step forward. I only shook my head. His stupid fidget only seemed to make it worse. The pitch the snapping made was enough for me to want to punch a wall.

"So you don't have any explanation then," Callum asked, his voice becoming harsher.

"I scare them," I finally say as I stare at the ground. "I don't want to make it any worse." Callum's small glare disappears as he looked back at our other boyfriends.

Liam and Ryder looked baffled as they both let a frown fall onto their faces.

"You think you scare us," Ryder asked slowly, almost as if he were trying to make it make sense.

"Why would you think that," Liam picked up as he came forward, his arms slowly wrapping around my waist.

"I'm not blind," I scoff, making him flinch back a bit. "I saw the way you two kept looking at me. I may not be a genius but it doesn't take one to know what fear looks like."

"I'll admit it was kind of scary to see you so mad," Ryder admits as he comes to stand by my side. "But that doesn't mean we are always afraid of you. One time is no forever."

"So then, you've just pretending to be scared every time I've fronted for the past few days?" I knew their answers before they even said anything.

"Well maybe if you didn't look so mad all the time we wouldn't have a reason to be scared," Ryder snapped unexpectedly. I mentally flinch back at his words but my face unreadable. "You just snapped, out of no where! You did it twice in one week and you think that wouldn't be a terrifying thing to see?" I feel myself sigh as I push Liam away and take a few steps back.

Ryder's eyes go wide as if he just realized the weight behind his words.

"And I'm not saying that isn't valid," I say as I look away from them. "I don't mean to scare you. I don't mean to scare anyone but that's all I seem to do. I scare you two, I scare Boyd, and Dylan seems to be just as scared. Kellan hides it well but I can still see though it. The only ones I don't scare is Callum and Kyle.

"I'm not saying you don't have a reason to be scared. I'm saying I shouldn't add to it if I don't have to."

"I didn't mean it like that," Ryder goes to apologize but I cut him off.

"It doesn't matter how you meant it. You are right regardless," I take another step back.

"Carter please," Liam started, defeat slipping into his voice. He already knew there was no coming back from this.

"I'm sorry," I say through clenched jaws, "but we're done."

I don't give them a chance to say anything else as I fall back into the couch, forcing Jax up front.

"Carter," Ryder starts, his voice cracking but I try to block it out.

I push off the couch before heading to my room.

I can hear Jax call after me but without me on the couch, he can't push me back up front so I don't bother saying anything else.

My feet numbly lead me to the closet before coming to a stop. For a second I think about choosing the bed but Ryder's cries forces my hand, causing me to step inside.

I close the door behind me but it does little to muffle Ryder's cry as I curl up into a ball on the floor.

I really fucked up this time. I just had to freak out on them in Andrew's office.

I had kept my cool under worse things than this and now over one stupid flash back I had ruined everything.

I ruined it like I ruin everything.

My jaw clenched as I let my cries mix with Ryder's.

I ruined everything. The one thing that I actually cared about, gone purely because I wasn't strong enough to fight a flashback without breaking down.

I ruined everything.