Loving the Fighter

68

Jax's POV

I wake up feeling sore. My limbs feel like they are about to fall off and my chest and lungs feel like they are on fire while my brain feels like it's getting stepped on.

I wasn't sure what time it was or what really happened but I could at least tell now that I was back in the cabin and was currently in a cuddle party with everyone that lives here.

I didn't even have to look at Liam and Callum to tell that they were still asleep but when I looked down at Ryder I was surprised to see him awake and looking back up at me with a small smile on his face.

"Good morning," he said with his usual smile.

"What time is it," I grumbled out, making Ryder's eyes go wide.

"Geez how deep does your voice go?" I couldn't help but chuckle a bit at that. "It's a little past three," he said after taking a quick glance to the window.

"What are you doing up?"

"I couldn't sleep." I only hum as I bring him closer to my chest.

"I didn't scare you, did I?" I asked after a few minutes of silence. I expect him to tense or push me away but he only shakes his head.

"Of course not."

I only nod but I can't help but feel like he's lying to me.

"Was it bad?"

"It was pretty bad," Ryder confirmed with a small nod making me choke back a curse. "Callum had to pretty much yell you out of it."

"I'm surprised that actually worked. "

"So was I. I thought it was only going to make it worse."

"I'm sorry," I say after a while of silence. Ryder stares up at me again while I keep my eyes as far away from him as possible.

"What for?"

"I try to keep you away from that side of me," I admit as I blink back more tears. I was so done with crying today. "I don't like you seeing me when I'm like that."

"I can handle seeing things Jax."

"Doesn't mean I want you to see them."

"Because you think it will trigger me as well?" He accused with a small glare.

"No, because I don't like you seeing me like that."

"We are just going around in circles. Why do you not like it?"

I stayed quiet for a while until Ryder pulled me by the jaw and made me look at him. This whole group had a thing for jaw grabbing.

"Why do you not like it?" He asked again in a gentler tone.

"Because it makes me feel weak," I say as I stare into his eyes.

"But you don't mind Liam and Callum seeing it," he pointed out to which I have to stifle a laugh.

"I don't know what gave you that idea but just no."

"Then why do they get to see it?" My face turns serious again as I look back down at him.

"Because someone has to. I'll admit, I'd much rather it be Callum rather than Liam but if I can ever help it, it won't be to you."

"Why Callum?"

"I can't hurt Callum as easily as I could hurt you two. I know deep down that if Callum and I every fought it would be terrible and I would still end up winning, but I like to think that if Callum ever came at me, I would let him win."

"I don't like it when you push me away," he says after a while.

"I don't mean to," I admit, hoping he actually believes me rather than thinking I'm doing it on purpose. "I do it to everyone without meaning to. Liam is just too stubborn to stay away and Callum is strong enough to get me to stay. Why do you think Kyle and Kellan don't sit with us anymore?"

Ryder frowned again as he came closer to my chest.

"I'll handcuff us together next time then," he decided as he moved impossibly closer.

"Or I could try to stop leaving you out of everything," I say with small chuckle to which he only shrugs.

"That's what the handcuffs are for."

"Handcuffs freak me out, we probably shouldn't use those."

"What else freaks you out?"

A very small list races through my mind, none of which I really wanted to talk about right now.

"Spiders, most flowers, the phrase 'cum dumpster'," I joke making Ryder chuckle a bit. I can tell he's getting tired again so I stop speaking for now. 

"Your chest is very uncomfortable. It's too hard."

"Sorry."

"It's nice to look at though."

I force myself to hide the blush that threatens to appear on my cheeks as begin playing with Ryder's hair.

"Go to sleep."

Within seconds he's out like a light while I stay awake staring at the celling, listening to nothing but three separate heartbeats.

Last updated April 10, 2021

I know it was short but we had a break through and that's what matters