Some Things Never Change

Heartache

Weeks went by. Day after day. And still Stevie was in shock. It seemed to her as if her time with Lindsey had just been a wonderful dream and now she had woken up and discovered it wasn't real. Sara had tried to speak to her numerous times but she just couldn't face it. She couldn't talk about what happened on the Seychelles. It was still too painful. Thinking about him was still too painful. She cried herself to sleep every night and Sara was holding her, tightening her grip every time she couldn't stop sobbing.

After countless calls from Lindsey which she hadn't answered, she had changed her phone number. The result was him banging desperately at her door, screaming and begging her to open up - but she didn't. He came over every night for three weeks but she kept the door shut and she had forbidden Sara to even think about opening him the door. Then he came only every few days until he gave up and didn't come anymore at all.

She knew she was scaring her daughter. She knew Sara was thinking that Lindsey had treated her badly or anything horrible had happened to make her react that way. It wasn't fair to make her think like that – Lindsey had always been wonderful to her.

Lori, Sharon and Barbara had also come by to try to get some information out of Stevie – but she refused to tell anybody. This was her pain and she wanted to keep it to herself – at least for some more time.

So, she spent her time crying, writing in her journal and some more crying.

Sara was desperate. The emotional state of her mother was frightening her to death. Stevie had stopped eating and refused to talk to anybody. Whenever Lori, Barbara or Sharon came by, she would just sit there, with red, puffy eyes, cry and not say a word.

Sara tried her very best to show Stevie that she loved her and didn't leave her side, except for school. She was scared that her mother would do anything stupid as soon as she was alone which was why Barbara and Lori alternately came by when Sara had to leave the house.

She knew it wasn't okay and she felt really wrong by doing it but after six weeks of not getting anywhere, she locked herself in her mother's bedroom when she was showering and read her journal.

It was full of heartbreaking poems, full of hurt, pain, disappointment and shattered dreams. A few pages were corrugated by tears that had fallen onto the paper and dried. She flipped through the pages, trying hard to find the day which described what had happened to Stevie's and Lindsey's relationship.

After a few minutes she found it and started to read.

I love him. I love him so much. I cannot stop loving him – it's impossible!

I have to let him go.

I know he loves me, I know that I broke his heart but he is better off without me. Who am I to make him sacrifice the opportunity of having a family, having his own children?! I can't do this to him! If we had stayed together, he would have always blamed me for taking that away from him.

I can't give him children – Oh, how I wish I could have! But it's too late and I'm too old!

How he looked at me when I told him about those children.. His eyes! He didn't even know what I was talking about.. I miss him so much!

Why did it take us so long to come back together..?! If we only were ten years younger...

This fucking “what if...-game” doesn't get me anywhere. I have to let him go...

Sara turned a few pages over..

Why can't he just stop banging at the door?! Why does he have to make this even harder?! I won't open up. I know, as soon as I see him I will kiss him, hug him and won't resist the urge to touch him, to feel him.

I still want him. I still want him so badly it hurts. My whole body hurts.

Loving him sucks!

I know I have to tell Sara. But I cannot even tell Mom or Lori.. I don't even know how to tell them what happened. But Sara..?! She loved him. I took Lindsey away from her, as well. That isn't fair.

Life sucks!

Sara closed the journal and put it back into her mother's drawer as she heard Stevie coming out of the shower.

Now, she knew what happened. It wasn't Lindsey's fault, at all. As she had guessed it was her mother who was causing the trouble. If she only knew what to do...

Being apart from her killed him. To not be able to talk to her, to see her - it killed him inside a little more every day. She didn't even let him speak to her. She changed her phone number and in five weeks of banging at her door on a regular basis she didn't open up once. She didn't give him any chance to win her back – it was frustrating.

He had no idea why she kept pushing him away without even listening to his explanation once. She had just seen him with those kids and come up with some illusions.

It was true, he had wanted children. But that was a long time ago. After Stevie had broken up with him in the 70's he had never met another woman with whome he had wanted to have children, so he had said goodbye to ever having some. He had pushed the thought of being a father far away, it was not even present anymore.

He knew she loved him, he knew she still cared for him and he knew she was just being selfless, trying to give him the opportunity to start a family on his own. The problem was, Stevie was the only one he wanted, truly needed, the only one he had ever wanted to have children with. And now, she had left him and punished him by pushing him away.

He had rented an apartment in Phoenix, still hoping to somehow win her back. He just couldn't go back to Los Angeles, this would mean it was really over and he wasn't ready yet to accept that.

It was the middle of March 1998 by now, as usual he was sitting in the small coffee shop he had found once after spending the whole night knocking at Stevie's door. It had been early in the morning and the only cafe that had opened yet.

He ordered some coffee and a bun, sat down in one corner of the room and ate it silently.

Time flew by, day after day. He was surprised he was able to make it without her. He was still existing, still breathing, but he wasn't living anymore. All the joy in his life had gone. He had not even his guitars as they were all at Stevie's place. He had wanted to write her a letter to send them back to him but actually he didn't want his guitars to be back at his apartment, he wanted to go back to her.

He looked to the counter. A young woman had entered the coffee shop and was ordering some coffee. He had seen her a few times already. She always came by at the same time as he was sitting here. She was quite pretty. Long, blonde hair, blue eyes, tall and slim figure. If his heart wasn't bleeding so badly for Stevie, she would be his type.

She noticed him watching her, looked to him, waved and walked over to him. She sat down at his table.

“Hi!”, she said politely. He was perplexed.

“Umm, hi..”, he said, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

“I've seen you a lot here, lately.. “

“Yeah.. Sorry, I'm Lindsey Buck..."

“I know who you are”, she laughed, shaking his hand, “it's nice to meet you. I'm Kristen. Kristen Messner.”