OUTFOXED (Completed)

Chapter 43b

'Hey, tama na nga 'to. Ang aga aga nagdradramahan na tayo.' tugon ko sa kanya habang patuloy kong pinahiran ang luhang patuloy na dumaloy sa aking mukha at pilit ko ring kinontrol ang aking hikbi.

I laid my body flat to the bed for a morning stretch but I felt another human being on the other side.

It's my son.

He slept soundly that made my heart at peace.

BUT, wait...

In a nanosecond, I felt a bomb exploded right before my eyes.

Oh my! It's not a dream. Oh my God it's not a dream!

Peace turned rapidly into dread.

I turned to K hoping I could see a sign that would contradict what I had in mind but the instant our eyes met, I find nothing but V-A-L-I-D-A-T-I-O-N.

That what appeared in my dreams was indeed a real happening.

It was not a dream.

My heart and soul were once again covered by...

FEAR. Fear of tomorrow. Fear of my son's future. As much as I wanted him to grow with his father being always on his side, the truth yesterday made it impossible. I knew it broke his heart as much as it did to me but teaching him selfishness was the last thing I would opt to do. His moral values and well being mattered most to me than anything in this world. I could give up everything for him --- even the love I have for his father.

I, being jobless added to that very fear.

GRIEF. Betrayal had always wormed out any relationship and experiencing it first hand, not just once, made my heart grow bigger for those who went through the same anguish. I always thought the scene in his condo eight years ago was the greatest form of betrayal that led me shutting myself off from the world, from everyone, but then it was added by the scene in his office which caused my ever fragile heart to hate him more. And now, the truth yesterday, it's completely devastating. And I think I have enough. I'm terribly tired that it left me with only one option --- giving him up. 

LONELINESS. Life without him was entirely an emotional poverty. It enabled me to feel of nothingness. Of numbness. Of hopelessness. I went through such poverty for quite a long time and having to experience it one more time and now definitely for a lifetime made me believe no more of the once most beautiful thing in the world - love.

I believe we all are equal in the eyes of God.

But life on earth has never been --- equal.

I can bet to that.

And I accepted that, way before I learn falling in love.

It's real.

So real that I always find comfort --- only in dreams.

But how come dreams became tinted too?

It's no longer a safe place to feel indifference.

Why Edward, why?

I rose up to my feet and locked myself in the bathroom... trying to obtain if not a permanent refuge, at least temporary. Please do not mistake me as someone so ungrateful. I know I can rely on my family, my bestfriend and my son... but there's always that inner hope, inner voice that wished in silence --- if only I could rely on Edward not to break me --- to just keep my heart intact. Given the uncertainties, I quite decipher that it's inevitable as death. But at least he should've done it with remorse. I didn't hear him say sorry last night. And if you'd ask me if it added to the injury, my answer is yes.