Whatever It Takes

Chapter 84

Truth is a whisper and only a choice, nobody hears above this noise.
Always a risk when you try and believe, I know there's so much more than me.
--Goo Goo Dolls




Meredith hadn't gotten a single minute of sleep that night.. after hours of tossing and turning doing her best to put her mind at ease she finally got up at 4 am and did what she knew she could do.. go to work.

She found every possible procedure and surgery she could to try and occupy her mind and keep her off the floors of the hallway decreasing the chance of her running into a certain doctor with perfect hair.

A part of her, an old teenage girl part of her wanted to stop avoiding, wanted to create an opportunity for them to run into each other.. the part of her that saw him as a friend wanted to run to him right away with her dilemma and cry on his shoulder until he told her everything was ok.. but she couldn't.. he was the problem.

She cursed herself for letting herself start to believe that they were becoming more than friends. Something inside of her started to come alive when she was around him, she felt tingles at his touch again, and she felt her eyes come alive when he smiled at her, she felt herself starting to long for him..

But the painful reminder of the past kept smacking her in the face and she.. just couldn't do it.. she wasn't her old self.. she didn't feel strong anymore.. the last five years had kicked her ass.

And after all that time she finally had something good. A new possibility, a fresh idea, a clean slate.. And he was falling in love with her, and saying all these things she wanted to hear, sweet things, perfect things, things she would want him to say.. but for some reason they all just left her head so confused.. she didn't know how to process it.

So she hid. By mid afternoon she was looking like hell.. large dark circles under her eyes and the stress lines in her face deep and narrow, her hair half fallen out of her messy bun as she sat hunched over a computer screen staring at test results like it was supposed to jump out at her..

She let out a big sigh rubbing her tired eyes feeling sleep starting to overcome her weak body not hearing someone stand in the doorway..

"I have been looking for you everywhere." She heard in a voice that caused her back to immediately stiffen up.. "What's with the disappearing act?"

"Just busy." She mumbled out shortly hearing his steps until they stopped right behind her.. "What did you need?"

"Just wanting to see you." He said as he leaned over her putting his mouth dangerously close to her ear "Is that a crime."

"No." she grumbled out "Yes.. maybe."

"Well is this a crime?" he moaned as he pressed his lips against her ear starting to suckle it.. she closed her eyes feeling her body relax and her eyes roll back into her head for a moment as his tongue massaged her skin..

"Derek." She whispered out.. he moaned as he trailed his lips down her neck feeling her head go hazy.. she felt her body stiffen up and whispered louder "Derek!"

"Sh." He chuckled "Or maybe we should take this into an on call room."

"Or not." She hissed out as she shrugged him off her and moved out of his grasp..

"Oh are we playing the cat and mouse game again.." he smirked..

"We're not playing anything Derek." She muttered out "We're not doing this anymore."

"You've said this before." He said taking a step towards her..

"I cant do this anymore." She said with a crack in her voice..

His smirk faded into a look of concern seeing that she wasn't just using anger to mask her desire.. he finally noticed the stress in her face and the fatigue in her eyes and felt his heart hitch in his chest with guilt..

"Meredith."

"No Derek." She said in a shaky voice "You don't get to Meredith me.. not this time.. and you need to listen to me. I know I've said this before.. but this time I mean it.. I cant do this anymore.. I cant keep this up between us.. this little sex games you play.. using lust to get me where you want me.. I cant.. it might be fun at the time but in the end it hurts."

"Meredith I-"

"And I cant afford to be hurt anymore.. not by you.. not by anyone. Five years Derek.. Five years I spent alone, and hurting, and focusing on breathing in and out every day.. and for the first time I've finally found someone.. someone that makes me happy.. someone that.. cares a lot about me.. With everything that's happened there's no way we can go back to being who we were. And you know that.. and yet I have someone that I could have a stable future with.. and I'm throwing it away for what? Sex?"

"But Meredith-"

"No Derek." She said shaking her head as she stands up "I cant do that, I cant do this.. not today.. not tomorrow.. not anymore."

He watches as tears form in her eyes and she walks past him as he stands there motionless as to what to do or say... wanting to tell her that he wants her for more than just sex, more than just a game.. but at the same time realizing that she was with someone that hadn't hurt her.. and he had.