Whatever It Takes

Chapter 21

I've got to move on with my life, its time to be a big girl now. And big girls don't cry.
-- Fergi

She sat starring at the wood lockers in the Resident's lounge, her hair still a little damp from her shower. She heard the door open and close but she still kept her stare ahead trying to remember to breathe in and breathe out. The day seemed to be spinning more and more out of control by the minute and she wasn't sure how she was going to keep functioning.

"So are we gonna talk or what?" she heard behind her in a familiar voice... her eyes squeezed shut and she sucked in a deep breath as she turned and looked at them.

"Not now." She whispered out as tears started to well in her tired eyes "I just cant... I know I owe you, and I know you've been waiting but.. tonight.. I just cant."

"Ok." It came with a sigh.. Meredith felt a little shocked as she wrinkled her forehead.

"You're not going to argue with me, yell Damnit Grey! And storm out?" she asked in a shaky voice...

"Do you want me to?"

"No." she said weakly as she hung her head feeling the coolness of her hair cooling her cheeks.. she felt them sit down next to her and let out a heaving sigh...

"Look I know you have things that you don't like to talk about, I've known all along. But if you ever do.. you can talk to me, and I wont judge."

"Thank you." She said looking over with a tear threatening to run down her face "Thank you Christina."

She nodded and watched as Meredith cleared her throat and stood up grabbing her bag. She turned and walked out of the locker room, her long white winter coat guarding her from the pain of the cold outside but it didn't do justice for the pain she was feeling inside.

She stepped onto the full elevator pressing the button to go to the lobby. She stood there in silence hearing the soft murmur of other people talking and the jolt of the elevator as it stopped to let people off at the second floor. She felt everyone rush past her leaving her there alone... alone like she's been the past five years... alone once again, on this week.

As soon as the doors closed she felt the rush of emotion swarm her... of all weeks for him to finally show up, why this week. Why does he have to mess everything up, why does he have to torture her at this time of year? She felt her shoulders slouch in and her chest start to shake as a few sobs escaped her mouth... the warmth of tears running down her cheeks.

'Stop it.. stop it right now, you're being childish.. you're fine, everything will be fine. You're going to stop crying right now and you're going to stop thinking about Derek because Derek isn't here at the moment. And even if he was, you're fine. So suck it up.'

She felt the soberness of her inner voice kick in and she took in a deep breath and sniffled her tears back, wiping them off her cheeks, she batted her eyes and looked up at the ceiling watching the light waiting for the floor to finally come so she could go home and forget about this horrible day...

"Meredith."

She heard the name roll out like velvet, just like it always did and froze starring at the closed steel doors ahead of her.