Whatever It Takes

Chapter 30

So (let go) let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for.. it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
-- Frou-Frou



"What are you doing!?" she finally gasped

She stepped to her left and pushed the stop button causing the elevator to start moving again.. he pressed his lips together and pulled it again causing it to halt to a stop again.

"I'm trying to talk to you." He said through gritted teeth "You're making it near to impossible to accomplish."

"Here's a thought." She retorted pushing the button again "I don't want to talk to you, because there is nothing to say!"

"There." He said pulling the button again "Is A LOT to say! Starting with why you left."

"You know why I left." She said with a glare..

She pushed the button again and the elevator moved an inch before jolting to a stop. The lights flickered and turned off leaving the room black for a moment before the emergency lights kicked on. Meredith's eyes widened mirroring the expression on Derek's face.

"What did you do!?" she gasped.

"Me?" he frowned "You're the last one to touch it."

She let out a loud frustrating growl and moved to the other side of the elevator and sunk to the floor pulling her head in her hands and tugged on a handful of her messy blonde hair.

His expression softened feeling a little guilty at his harsh behavior and he took a step towards her. She looked up quickly putting her hand up stopping him in his step.

"No." she said shaking her head "You stay over there! And there will be no talking."

"Meredith." He said with a sigh like he always did when he was frustrated with her "We have to."

"We don't." she said with a broken voice "You need to go back to wherever.. I mean don't you have obligations to get back to anyways?! As for you and me, there's nothing to discuss anymore. Its over, I don't want to talk to you.. I don't want to even look at you!"

"Why cant you look at me?"

He asked moving towards her and crouching down in front of her, she turned her head looking away from him and closed her eyes..

"I'm right here.. I've been right there for you.. I made a mistake!"

"Yeah." She hissed out "You made a lot of those!"

"What is that supposed to mean?" he asked rearing his head back and furrowing his brow..

She turned her head to look at him in the eye and narrowed her glare.. he searched her eyes for the woman he loved but all he saw was hurt and anger surging back...

He watched as her thin lips slowly opened and her breath quickened as the words coming off her tongue were hard to say...

"You should have picked her." She croaked out as tears pooled in her eyes "She was so little, so innocent.. she didn't deserve to be the one that died."

His eyes softened with grief as he felt a weight on his chest and looked at her as the knot in his throat tightened... he let out a heavy sigh and pressed his lips together...

"Meredith." He whispered "There wasn't a chance. She wouldn't have made it, there was too much damage and she was too little."

"She was strong." She hissed out "You didn't even try."

"I didn't have a choice." He said shaking his head...

"You did!" she sobbed "You had a choice... and you made the wrong one!"

The tears were now running full force down her cheeks as her swollen lips quivered, she could taste the salt flavored drops running down her face as she looked at him through a blurred vision..

"You don't have any idea what I go through on a daily basis. The guilt, the fact that I lived and my baby died. You didn't even try. Why Derek... I might as well have died because I feel dead inside!"

"You feel dead inside." He hissed out under his breath as a sudden flash of anger went through him, his jaw hardened and he pressed his lips trying to control himself "What about me Meredith!? What about what I went through? I had to make a decision between the woman I love and my own flesh and blood. I had to tell the doctor who to save and who to let die. I had to hold my baby girl in my arms and watch her struggle to take her last breathe! I was.. I'm all alone."

Tears pooled in his eyes as he looked at her swallowing down the lump in his throat..

"So stop thinking about yourself for one second and think about what I went through."

He knew that the last words that rolled off his tongue were a mistake as he spoke them, but he felt it when her tiny palm flew across his hard stubbled cheek shaking him out of his anger...

He brought his hand to his face and widened his eyes in shock seeing a hard glare from her..

"Don't you dare call me selfish." She gritted "I've been thinking about you this entire damn time! Why the hell do you think I left!? Which begs the question of why you haven't signed the papers and why you're so damn hell bent to talk to me!"

"What are you talking about!? What, do you think I went back to her? Do you think I started anything with her? Meredith I love you, why the hell do you think I would have anything to do with her?!"

Meredith looked at him, her eyes softening slightly from a cold hard glare to a look of brokenness and defeat.. her lips quivered as a soft sob escaped her and another tear fell down her face, she whispered out..

"Because Derek... she could give you what I couldn't."



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Flashback....................

After Derek dashed off to work in a hurry Meredith spent the rest of the morning sitting in the lazy chair in their living room staring out the large picture window at the snowflakes hitting the ground. Trying to make something of the curveball life had just thrown at her.