Whatever It Takes

Chapter 47

The skies are getting cloudy there's storm on the way, the vision's disappearing in a strange kind of way..
The perfect little picture that you paint in your head, is a distant memory when you get out of bed.
--Clawfinger



Meredith took deep breath as she stood over the steel surgical sink staring at the running water, waiting to start the procedure she knew so well, one that she'd done so many times before.

Her mind was running in circles... she thought that it could work out, that her and Derek could put their past behind them and just be friends.

She thought that she could have her old friend, the one she went to for everything... but now she wasn't so sure. He wasn't just her old friend anymore.. he was her ex husband, and there was just some things that she couldn't say, and some things he couldn't say.

It was just complicated, and weird and incredibly uncomfortable... and she was tired of living life uncomfortably.

She finished scrubbing in and walked into the OR when she immediately noticed something was wrong... she furrowed her brow as she looked at the anesthesiologist talking to the patient..

"Why isn't she out yet." Meredith demanded... The young anesthesiologist looked at her unsurely..

"I tried.. I.. she wont take it."

"I cant." Gracie shouted as she looked at Meredith.. Meredith walked over to the table with a concerned look on her face..

"Gracie, I thought we talked about this... the aneurysm on your aorta... it could burst at any moment.. surgery is your best option."

"I know you said that but... what if I die in surgery.. what if... what if I never wake up."

"That is a possibility but-"

"This... this is .. this has got to be the worst feeling in the world!"

"What?"

"Going to sleep and knowing you might never wake up... with everything you said and did not knowing if you have the chance to make up for it... it's the worst feeling in the world!"

Meredith was annoyed, she was trying to be supportive of her patients anxiety but now it was just annoying... she let out a sigh and shook her head..

"Its not the worst feeling." She retorted..

"What?" Gracie asked looking a little appalled...

"Going to sleep and knowing you may never wake up... its not the worst feeling." She replied "Going to sleep pregnant and waking up with no baby in your belly.. finding out that she died, that your body failed in protecting her... or finding out that your husband betrayed your marriage vows and slept with another woman while you were at home grieving for your baby you lost... I'd say those are pretty damn much the worst feelings in the world... someone that has gone through that may actually be a little envious of your situation right now... going to sleep and not waking up... sounds pretty good..."

Meredith swallowed hard keeping her tears at bay as her patient looked at her dumbstruck and the others in the room looked at her wondering... she took in a deep breath and shrugged...

"But what do I know, I'm just the surgeon that's trying to save your life... so if you're ready... we need to start."

Gracie looked at her and slowly nodded... the anesthesiologist started the medication and she soon went to sleep... Meredith turned around to get her grub on and finish prepping...

"Dr Grey." The intern helping asked her "Are you.. are you ok."

"I'm fine." She replied looking at the young pair of eyes "I just... I just need to complete this surgery... so she can move on with her life, because sometimes that's all you can do... sometimes...there is no going back."