Fire On Fire

Chapter 56 - Against All Odds

***

I hear the soft sound of the door closing, followed by a deafening silence, and it reveals to me the choice that Ella has made.

She has made a choice, and it's not me.

The pain i feel in my chest feels as though someone has just stubbed me with a dagger, and won't stop twisting and turning it around in my chest, until it slits all my internal organs, the feeling feels so real, it forces me in real time, to place my hand on my chest just to confirm that i'm not actually bleeding, and this feeing is all in my head....

...but it's not just in my head, because even though my chest is still intact, the pain is very real.

I don't want to turn around and find her absence, my pride won't allow me.....but eventually, i loose the struggle between my heart and my head, my pride and ego succumbing to the yearning heart as they seek to confirm the inevitable as i turn around.

She is gone.

She is really gone, i sigh.

The confirmation feels like another stab to my chest...she has left, even though i made it clear there was no coming back if she changed her mind later.

She Really. Left.

I continue to stare at the door until my vision starts to become blurred.

I blink and sniff.....no way in fucking hell will i ever cry for a woman...not even her.

Why though?

Why?

Why wasn't my love enough for her?

Why wasn't i worth holding on to?

How can she claim to love me, and yet walk away?

How can she walk away knowing what it will do to me?

She owns me, body and heart i am hers, and then she just throws me away like i'm nothing.

She was my everything, how am i supposed to live without her now?

I bend over, until i'm in a squatting position, then i completely sit down on the floor with my arms on my knees, as i face the door she just walked out of.

When someone falls in love, we say that the heart is full of love, but it's a metaphor, because technically the heart is an organ, a biological object with biological functions not actually capable of loving, and not this romantic thing or notion that we've made it out to be.

So why does it feel like my heart is literally breaking and bleeding from this heartbreak, why do i feel a pain in my chest, a pain more painful that the headaches i got as a result of my accidents piecing through my chest right now, a pain so real it's more than just a metaphor.

But i know why...

It's because i know that there will never be another woman for me like her, no woman will ever consume me as completely as she did, her body molded into mine so perfectly, almost as if she was made just for me, her intellect appealed to mine on a level that was so special to both of us, i felt connected to her in a way i have never felt with anyone else before, and now i feel like half of me has been ripped off, i feel like nothing...but just a bag of pain.

*****

".........I need to let you go.....you need to let me go.....atleast for now, maybe....."

"If you leave now....." Marco cuts me off.

"..... That's it...there is no going back from that.....there will be no second chance for us, if you walk away now, i will walk away too, and if you change your mind later, i won't be here waiting for you, this is it.....but if you stay, everything will get better eventually, i can promise you that.... so you need to be sure what you decide Ella." he says, and i blink away my tears at his words.