Chapter 31-Stories Of The Past
Dedicated to @MerkelaSummers :)
NAGISA'S POV
"I think we both need to hear each other out. No matter how the outcome, we have to be honest with each other." Ryuu says once we were both finally out of the helicopter.
I looked away from him, sweeping my hair forwards to hide my face. I know we both didn't want to face rejection, but I was unsure, and so was he. If hearing him out meant we wouldn't be so troubled, I believe it would be okay. Just like Shinobu said, we were both hiding our troubled feelings for too long.
My hair is gently swept away from my face and tucked behind my ear by Ryuu's hand. I look up at him, and he gave me a small smile.
"It's not fair if you have long hair to cover your face and I don't. Somehow Shinobu knows best. We're probably feeling the same way, so don't shy away."
"Okay." I whispered, it was only for my ears, but Ryuu managed to hear it too. Smiling, he places my hand in his. I could feel my cheeks heat up, but it didn't bother me.
"I'll start first." Ryuu squeezes my hands to calm me down. Everyone, including Sakura whom I just met, dubbed us both as oblivious before Shinobu cut in and took us here. After her long rant, she dumped us in the playground we first met during our childhood days.
How she knew the exact location I have no idea, but it wasn't exactly the right time to ask about that.
This would definitely change our current friendship, I can feel it. The more I think about it, the more I can feel none of the fluttering in my stomach, just a guilty pain from the pit of my stomach. Physically it does hurt a little, contributing to the mental turmoil of emotions inside of me. To say I felt nervous was the understatement of the year.
I used to think I was an adaptable person, able to change according to whatever situation I was put in, whatever new, permanent change that would come into my life. I never even thought of a relationship so deeply to know that whatever hurt I might end up feeling emotionally would not kill me as a person, but would destroy me mentally.
I fear the rejection, all the positivity I used to convince people when they were down disappeared. There was only negativity, and I never knew I could be so affected because I feared the negative outcome from a situation everyone would only hope for the best, but things don't work that way. Couples do fall apart, some people lose the love, and it would remain one-sided and unrequited.
So what if I had known Ryuu when we were eight? It was a mere month, and I suddenly drop into his life years later to try let him know I didn't forget him. It would be dumb of me to have wishful thinking that he wouldn't move on. I've seen little in my life, but it was enough to spark all the insecurity.
My parents were the perfect couple in the business world. They found true love, and never fell out of it despite how much time they don't spend with the other. However, Aunt Alice had lost her husband to a mistress four years after Lily was born, since he fell out of love. It hurt her quite a lot, she even took a three month break. Well, not after she settled her own court case, getting not only the custody of her only child, but also a few other benefits from divorce.
The two different outcomes of my mother and my aunt made me question everything I used to believe in fairy tales, which were created with happy endings just to please children. I didn't want such a delusion to cloud my judgement, yet I don't want the fear to stop me from whatever I want in life.
If this was an obstacle in life that I had to go through, I hope what doesn't kill me would make me stronger than I used to be. I-
"Nagisa? You spaced out." Ryuu clutches both my arms and looks at me worriedly. I blink a few times before realising that I had been so deep in my thoughts I lost contact with reality. "If you don't want to do this today we can always change to another time?"
"No." I reply firmly. "I want to do this."
I am no coward, even though what I feel on the inside would tell people otherwise. I had to go through this, and holding myself back wouldn't do any of us good. If it did affect the both of us in a negative way, we would still have to live with it. Suicide is a stupid option, even for something that had the capability to wreck you and destroy you.
"I will start now, then." Ryuu says, looking down on his hands. Tilting his face up, we were on eye-level, and I could see a faint pink on his cheeks. "You must know, Nagisa. I never forgot about you."
I fought the blush. He never forgot about me? What was the deeper meaning behind those words? I would've had to find out from him.
"It all started when I was eight years old. The twins and I were just having fun, since my parents were busy, the twins' parents were busy touring. We were just having fun by the playground, doing our usual summer playtime routine. Then there was this girl that was staring at us. She was alone, sitting on the swing by herself before she decided to join us."
I closed my eyes, picturing that very moment. The day we first met.
"The first thought I had when I saw her, was that she looked different, and it was unique, special, something I never really seen before. She had a japanese name, Nagisa. Well, you still do remember when you happily exclaimed how your parents were an odd match but you still looked like them both."
I started chuckling. I still remembered how proud I was of my parents as a kid, even before I came to learn about how my father had left his family to find the true love that was ever-so-hard to seek in such a world these days.
"Even if it was just a month, we ended up so close. It was as if we didn't met then, but years ago. And we were only eight!" Ryuu laughs, and I join him. If I could laugh now, I would do it as much as I could. I had to prepare for both scenarios, and whichever played out later, there wouldn't be a time for such laughter. There was never a specific time for laughter, but the appropriate one.
"I wrote the letter hastily, because I thought what I had truly experienced was love. You were leaving early, and I thought it would be faster to have a letter to be given to you than to wait for me to gather enough courage. At that time, I thought we could exchange letters all the time."
"I...I...I'm so sorry!" I said, I felt so guilty about what I had done after receiving the letter-nothing.
"Well, it's okay now. At that time, you didn't reply so I wondered what I had done wrong? Then, as I grew older, I thought it might've been just puppy love. The kind of adoration I had for animals, but maybe a little deeper. I thought everything was over, that you'd forgotten all about me."
I could feel the tears in my eyes. What have I done? I made him suffer so much, and he looked so defeated. Did he give up? Suddenly rejection seemed like the only way to go. He...he might have given up. I opened my mouth to speak, but Ryuu placed a finger on my lips. It was a silent gesture to tell me he had more to say. I had jumped to conclusions so quickly because the fear and nervousness was eating me alive. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down. Never have I ever felt so nervous, so anxious and scared. It was unnerving and I hated how I was feeling. Where was my calm side now? When I needed it more than anything!
"Distance makes the heart grows fonder, doesn't it?" he chuckles, and I don't know how he looks okay, as if a weight was being lifted off his shoulders. I want to feel that way, I don't like my current state. Not one bit. It was as if he was beating around the bush, but Shinobu had said it was best to know everything from the start. Ryuu agreed, so I had to respect his decision.
"Not once did I ever forget you, Nagisa. I found out that I was good with animals, and it had nursed how down I was. No matter how I felt better, I still think of you, I still hope that one day you'd come back again. It seemed so much like wishful thinking, and logic told me you'd come back, since Hawaii was ever so close to Japan. When we were young, do you still recalled how we'd dismiss any kind of plane rides less than seven hours as a mere bus ride? I believed the eight hours was just a short plane ride, in which you could just fly over any time you liked. I didn't consider the time zone difference then."
I lifted my hand to wipe off the wetness on my cheeks, to realise that I've been crying all along. Why? Why did I feel so emotionally unstable? Was this the pain of loving someone so deeply that you would keep thinking of the negative rather than the positive side? I keep shaking my head. I don't know what to think. I feel so messed up and I hate it.
"Nagisa, listen!" Ryuu grabs my shoulders and stares at me intently, I see the pain reflected in his eyes. Did it hurt him to see me like this? I know it hurt me. I need to calm down, I can feel the panic bubbling inside of me, but I won't let it get the better of me. Never again.
"I'm okay." I say through sniffs. "Just continue, Ryuu."
Ryuu nods, even though I can tell he was still skeptical about my reply. Nonetheless, he continues on with the story.
"I really thought you'd come back. One year, two years, three years, I'd always return to the playground on the very day we met. Slowly, I felt like giving up, but I made myself go back yearly." my breath was stuck in my throat, my eyes wide open. He did that? All along I knew he was suffering more than I was, since all I did was nothing compared to him. The guilt I felt was eating me alive.
"See? Even this year, I'm here. And on the right day. This time, I'm with you." Ryuu's smile was reflected, and I found myself smiling as well. "Of course, girls flocked to me because of the SA status, but I never accepted anyone of them. None of them could make me feel what I felt for the eight year old girl that never left my mind."
He...oh Ryuu...
"So, that summer I went to Hawaii with the SA." he continued. "I guess it was the summer you handed your babysitting job over, didn't you? I took it as a chance to search for you, but to no avail. Heck, I didn't even know your full name then! It was as if the world didn't want me to find you again."
I felt bad about how Ryuu tried so hard, but I on the other hand had made no attempt. I was so scared, I didn't know what to do, how to even react to this situation. The reason Ryuu couldn't trace me was partly because I was hiding away from the Takishima Group, from Grandfather. We were hiding the truth behind my birth.
Ryuu squeezed my hand, jolting me out of my thoughts, making me realise that I had spaced out on him again. I smiled back sheepishly, and nodded for him to continue. I liked how our wordless communication was like, it was simple, yet it held meaning behind a nod. Body language was playing a big part, and I hoped Ryuu wasn't upset over my constant space-out. I felt that it was tough to handle a situation like this. Both of us are in such a fragile state, as if the smallest gust of wind could shatter us into minuscule pieces.
"At that time, reality sunk in. I felt so down thinking how I might never see you again." I felt his hand graze my cheek, wiping my tears for me. I swatted it away, cleaning my own tears myself. I personally felt a little disgusted to have someone wipe my tears for me. It seemed...so dirty and unhygienic, I'd rather do it myself than get someone else's hands dirty from my tears.
"I can clean it off myself." I say to him, just giving him a failed, reassuring smile as I wiped off the tears that kept flowing. I couldn't stop myself, even if I had put more energy into mentally forcing my physical self.
Ryuu chuckles for a brief period before he continued, making sure I was okay.
"Then lo and behold, you showed up. I felt so glad to have you back, yet..."
I looked down. "I brought everyone so much problems, didn't I?" It really was my fault that so many things occurred after my arrival.
Ryuu shook his head. "You didn't, and you put yourself with us, making you a member of the SA as well."
"Yeah." I agreed, and somehow Ryuu looked so carefree, as if his story was a load that he needed to talk about in order to be freed from how it weighed down on him.
"Now, your turn."
I gulped.
RYUU'S POV
I could feel the weight off my shoulders the moment I told her everything I've been feeling. However, the next moment, another part of the ever-so-harsh reality sinks in. What I'd her side of the story was not the one I want to be hearing?
"Ryuu! You have to do this! You've been holding it in for so long, you have to tell her everything! She has a lot to tell as well! So whatever you do, be honest. Treat her opinions and whatever she has to say with respect." I could hear Shinobu's words echo in my head, the exact same words she told me during the helicopter journey. "She's going to feel more insecure, so make sure she's okay, no matter how she feels for you romantically, it's your job as a gentleman! I know you can handle this. Both of you can!"
Both of us are still sitting on the bench overlooking the happy, joyful children playing around. I smile at the memory of Nagisa, the twins and I all sitting happily on this bench, eating ice cream, but thinking of the situation years later, it seemed so odd that we were on the same bench. The place never changed, but we did, no matter how minor, we changed.
"I...I shou...should...start...shouldn't...I?" she was shivering, trembling, and I didn't know what to do. The tears were falling, and I embraced her in a hug, comforting her, calming her down.
"Whenever you're ready." I smile back at her. I'm all ears for whatever she has to say. Even if it would hurt me, I would listen until the very end, because that was the least I can do for her, as she did the same for me. Whatever change there will be, it is mine to embrace.
She took a deep breath and started. My breath hitched, because this was it. It could only go in one direction. We can get through this.
"I'll start from when I left then. I saw the letter, I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Should I reply? There were so many questions and I thought it impossible since we only spent time with each other for a month! I thought it was a prank! Since I'd get pranked very often back in Hawaii..." she trailed off, looking at me in the eye. "Well, at least it wasn't a prank. I kept the letter, never threw it away. Even though I was too young then, that letter held a special place in my heart. You held a special place in my heart, as the adorable eight year boy that agreed to be my friend. I even made a special place to keep the letter. I'd always read it, especially when I felt no one was there for me. The letter was like an anchor, something that could let me pause and think whenever I needed to."
What did she mean? I wanted to ask her, but I will let her continue. She will account for every question I have, and I know it.
"I realised you loved me. I felt so dense. I didn't know if I should reply. I didn't even know if I would return, I couldn't string you along like that! It was against my morals to do such a thing that would crush your heart. I just forgot that not replying would do the same." she looked so beat up over how I had expressed myself. Yes, it was painful. However, I believe this was all worth it. If she reciprocated my feelings fully. I didn't want to look on the dark side, but I couldn't be so full of hope. Whenever one hopes for the good too much, it might not even happen.
"If you wonder if anyone asked me out, they didn't. Because you were the one who truly made me feel loved. Everyone in my school, my level, were all Theodore's age. There was at least a two or three year old age gap. All of the students there had puberty hit them first. I wouldn't be some pretty girl there."
But you are here, I wanted to tell her. You're so beautiful I don't even like it when guys look at you, because I'd feel insecure of having you with me. I wouldn't tell her that, but I was so tempted to.
"I was good in school, despite being picked on by Mary Valentine and her friends. At least I had Theo, my only friend who helped me get through year by year. Somedays when they hit a nerve, I'd go back and read your letter. I would cry, but it was happy tears from your words."
My words! I made her day because of my words!
"My heart ached when I think of replying you. But inside, I kept thinking about how you would move on, be happy without me." she smiled, but I could feel nothing but sadness behind it. "I tried moving on, but you were always on my mind."
"You're so strong, I admire it sometimes. But why did you let the students bully you?" I couldn't help it, I hit a nerve as her face fell. Great, I screwed up.
She kicked my leg. "I'm perfectly able to defend myself. It's just that...people mock my parents. I hated it, they couldn't just accept my parents having unconditional love."
I've underestimated her, but I know she's such a strong girl, my favourite girl.
"That summer I knew I had passed my job to a bunch of Japanese tourists. However my identity had to be kept secret. Chitose told me when I came back, I knew you were there. I was sad to not have met you, to thank you and your companions, but I was glad to know that you were okay."
I nod, because I would want to meet her then. It would've made my trip. Nagisa started fiddling her thumbs, and I watched her with silent amusement as she thought I wasn't looking at her. When she looked up, she looked so cute, just like a deer caught in the headlights. But this little deer blinked a few times before she continued, and I could feel her quivering slightly. Was she guilty of something?
"Thing is, I didn't really come here to experience Japanese school life...it was an opportunity to come and find you, to apologise. However, I didn't expect you to be in the first school I dropped by." she looks at me sheepishly. "I was willing to suffer any heartbreak. Heck, I joined Poppy in watching dramas for this."
She came, just to apologise to me? My heart soared, I was so touched by her actions, even if she were a few years late.
"So what was with the boy disguise? Did Chairwoman Karino really mistake you for a boy?" I ask, how much of the things she told the SA was made up?
"She did." Nagisa laughs a little. "I thought I could get closer to you, then pop out as myself. Well, things turned unexpectedly, so here I am. So Ryuu, will you forgive me?"
"You," I felt a little angry, but I enveloped her into a bear hug and whispered into her ear. "You don't even need to ask, because last I checked, you didn't need to ask for forgiveness."
{published 08/12/2014}
A/N:
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