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Derek's Point Of View
Everyone acted strange today. But maybe it was just my distorted mind messing with reality. After all, how could I see everything as normal when it wasn't? Every corner I turned to just seemed to be an end even when there was a door wide open.
But I still couldn't help and wonder that something was awfully wrong. Yeah, I was majorly depressed and I felt like all these faces staring back at me were demons, but I could still sense the spine tingly sensation that shit was about to happen.
And I was right.
Last period before school was off for the day, friends muttered among each other, only that I didn't notice that they were whispering about me until after I heard his name.
Leo.
At first I thought maybe I had heard wrong. But then conversations dragged and sounds became louder, eventually I could hear about ten different conversations at once. I pushed the thoughts away, hoping it would all end. It couldn't be happening. Not now. How could it? It was impossible.
But life had a way of biting me in the ass the least expected.
The last bell ring and everyone quietly left the class. I headed straight for the gym, since today was football practice. It was the same as usual. Our team didn't completely suck, we just lacked real talent. Most of these wannabe players were just here because they wanted to be in the uniform, or under the helmet. Maybe they got a rush from the pleased crowd of girls staring at them on the benches. Either way we sucked.
The lockers. That's where it began. And fuck me if I wasn't pissed when it did.
"Hey, Derek. You got a minute?" Felix asked from across the locker room. He was pushing in his dirty clothes inside his already packed locker.
"What?" I replied.
He sucked in his teeth, like if I was a disappointment, or maybe he just wanted me to say that he was wrong and people were just being assholes.
"Is it true?" he simply said.
"Is what true?"
He grimaced. "Come on, man. You know what I'm talking about. Everybody is talking about it. Is it true or not?"
I blinked. "Uh, what?"
"Are you fucking your brother? Because . . . that's sick."
The knot in my throat went down unnoticed.
"I don't have a brother," I replied.
Maybe I should have just said no. Anything but what I had just answered with. He didn't ask if I was gay, but I also didn't deny it. A twisted part of me wanted to deny it just because I was afraid. I think we're all afraid. We don't know what's gonna happen if our friends find out that we're . . . different. It's not that I'm a coward, because I'm not. I'm ready to stand up for who I am and what I believe in. And there ain't nobody that's gonna make me feel less of a human being.
But shit. I love Leo, and I don't want to bring him into this mess. It's bad enough that he has no friends, just Nicole. He's the shy, awkward new guy that nobody really pays attention to. He'd get eaten alive if I don't watch what I say.
How did they even know? How could anyone possibly know that? Our relationship was literally behind walls, the walls of my home, the privacy and comfort of our family. Who could have done it?
Nicole would never do that. I knew her well. Could it have been Vicky? How would she know? Maybe she overheard a conversation with Leo and Nicole. But it still seemed unlikely.
"Step brother?" he corrected himself. "Same shit. Are you a homo?"
"A homo?" I repeated.
"Yeah, a homo."
"No, I'm not a homo. I'm a human."
He looked at me strangely. "So you're . . . with your step brother? Come on, man! That's sick! I don't care if he's not blood related. He's a dude! And your step brother!"
"Leo isn't gay. He has a girlfriend. So all you fuckers can stop talking like you have a right to tell people how to live their lives."
I closed my locker, still keeping my calm composure. I looked at Felix one last time, devil eyes scorching with fury. I could already see the demented reflection in his brown eyes. I looked angry, but inside I was as calm as the ocean.
"Wait," Felix called as I moved to leave.
I let out a rigid breath and waited.
"You didn't answer my question," he said.
My eyes were looking down at the ground. There was no hesitation in my answer. I was already depressed, hurt and betrayed. What could be worse? I already felt like my whole fucking world was blurring.
"You want to know if I'm gay? Yeah, I am. But you can tell all those stupid girls that spread shit like they know everything that they're wrong. I'm not . . . with my step brother. He's straight. He has a girlfriend. So you can all shut up now and leave me alone."
I might have been wrong. No, not might. I was wrong. It could get worse, and it did.
Felix was just the start. He had an opportunity, seeing as I was alone in an empty locker room. But I was lucky that time. I was sure that the rest of the guys wouldn't have reacted as Felix did. He still looked grossed out and hate filled every inch of his skin, but it would have been a lot worse with a group of guys together. Their intelligence usually dropped when that happened. Guys just become assholes.
It was the natural order of things. High school.
People still roamed the halls when I left the gym. There were always things going on. People planning dances, club meetings inside classrooms, teachers running from hall to hall, football team walking around like they owned the damn place.
I felt like I was literally stepping on fire, and every part of the flickering flame was one of hell's deepest and most painful desire to torture me till my skin felt like it was melting to the bone.
I couldn't count how many times people approached me, their noses all up in my business, asking and wondering. Asking again. Asking more. Forcing me to say it over and over and over till my throat ached.
I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm fucking gay.
Leo has a girlfriend.
I'm gay.
I'm sorry.
And more silence as I made my way through people. I just wanted to go home, see my beautiful boyfriend. Hug him, kiss him, hold him, fall asleep in his arms. I wanted him to tell me that everything's gonna be alright. My dad would come around. Nobody will hurt us.
Sometimes I just want my mom more than anything. She could have fixed this. She could have made it all go away.
I was being honest about Leo having a girlfriend. From now on Leo is straight and he's dating a girl. It's the only way I can protect him from high school. I know he's strong. But my mind has to focus on the picture. Leo is vulnerable in this school. Bullies don't exist. Only assholes do. And they will gang up on anyone they want. It really isn't the best place to be openly gay.
I could survive with them know I was gay, but if they knew Leo was gay as well, the rumors would start again. They'd know for sure something was going on between us. This could have gone down a different road if we hadn't been step brothers. But unfortunately we were. And that was worse than anything.
So we had to be careful. High school was nothing to me. You were there to study, learn and be ready for your future. These people . . . all they were doing was making a fool of themselves and representing humanity in a foul way. They were meaningless creatures that would one day be ashes and nothing more. I didn't care what they thought about me or anyone else. It's only two more years and we'll never see them again. It's only your true friends that matter in the end. The people who stick with you through all the bad and still have the energy to say you look ugly in the morning. Cause that's what friends are for.
Leo needed to stick with Nicole. The more he's seen with her, the faster people will forget.
I called Nicole when I was half way home. I told her everything and she agreed to help. She knew that what had happened after school was only the beginning. It was nothing compared to what could be waiting for us in the next couple of days . . . weeks even. Rumors spread like wildfires here. We both knew that very well.
When I got home I wanted to smile so much that it hurt. Leo was on his stomach, playing with my little sister. Rarely anyone plays with her. I would when I had the time but that was on rare ocassions when I didn't have football practice or homework to do.
But before I could smile, I remembered what had happened an hour ago. All I did was give him a strange look as he told me that he was a human horse carrying princesses back to their angelic castle in the sky. I was very curious about him. Leo was so hard to figure out at times. Instead I just walked furiously across the room and headed upstairs to my room. I needed to breathe. I needed to think. How do I explain to Leo that we basically can't be seen together anymore? Like at all.
Okay. A shower will help me relax. It will also give me time to come up with a reasonable explanation on why I want to do this stupid plan in the first place. I didn't want any adults being in our business, that was the number one rule. The rest I came up with as the water poured all over my body, washing away all the bad.
Once I was clean and fresh, I exited out the shower and rubbed the towel over my dripping body. I was startled to see Leo waiting for me on my bed. Was he crazy? The nanny and Molly were downstairs! He wasn't allowed to be in my room. He could get us both in big trouble.
"What are you doing here?" I asked, wipping my face and throwing the towel on the other bed.
"Feeling like a rebel," he said, grinning like a fool.
I sighed. "Leo, you're gonna get in trouble."
"Uh, haven't you noticed that I ran out of fucks to give?"
"Well, you can borrow some of mine. Now please leave."
I knew the nanny all too well. She could be on the hall right now, easedropping on our conversation so she could tell our parents when they come home. I swear this nanny was a secret agent from United Kingdom or something.
"What? You don't want me here?"
I noticed his eyes glistened, but I wasn't sure what to think of it. I knew Leo was a big manipulating devil.
"Are you- are you crying?" I asked.
"No"
"Okay. Can you please leave? I need time alone."
He raised a brow at me. "Do you want me to actually cry?"
"No," I responded. I really didn't want him to cry. But I needed time to think, just for a second. I haven't had time to think without everybody trying to squish through my business.
"Then why are you acting that way? You'd usually be happy that I risked getting spanked by coming to you. So why are you pushing me away now? What happened? Tell me."
That was a lie. I'd freak out to find him sitting across from me. That's how it has been for the past few weeks. I thought he understood that our parents owned our souls till we moved out. I just didn't want trouble for any of us.
"Nothing happened," I mumbled.
"Nothing my ass."
"Serious. Just drop it."
"To the floor?"
"Leo..." I growled deep.
"What? Just talk to me, dammit! Don't do that shit where you block everyone out. I'm not everyone!"
He was overreacting.
I noticed that he couldn't keep his eyes off my chest, so I walked to the nearest desk and grabbed a shirt, putting it on. He needed to focus right now and stop letting his other head do the thinking.
"Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?" he asked.
I wanted to tell him the truth. But I knew Leo all too well. He wouldn't like what I was doing. He would want to face them instead, as a couple, as a gay couple, as two step brothers who are in love with each other. But he wouldn't understand. I didn't know how things were in Italy, but here in America we have the dumbest most insensitive people that have ever lived. They won't react kindly. And I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk our relationship.
"Leo . . . I don't think we should date anymore," I told him.
I was lying, of course. But damn that hurt. It made my whole body feel stiff and cold.
He opened his mouth to respond and I noticed someone was listening. I was right! I knew it! The nanny was right behind my door, peeping at our conversation. I was ready to tell him the whole truth, that it wasn't a real break up. But the nanny would tell my parents, and they would confront us, and shit could happen that I don't want to happen.
"What?" he said.
Dammit.
"Please, leave," I asked him, trying to mentally warn him. But Leo was slow sometimes.
How could he not notice the nanny right outside?! If he left now then maybe she'd just forget about him being in my room. Like I said, I knew her well.
Come on, Leo! Just go . . . I'll come find you, baby. I promised I'd never leave you, and that's a promise I'll protect with my own soul.
Leo did leave. And just the look on his face made me want to scream at every living person on this planet. Why did things have to be so difficult? Why was it a problem for everyone else what people did and who they loved? Yeah, I freaking love Leo, so what? What was it any of your business? Did I ask for your permission? Did I ask for your opinion? I think not.
Leo didn't come down for dinner that night, and instantly his mom knew that something was wrong. She thought maybe he was sick, but he wouldn't open his door to her. He simply just said, "Go away, I'm on my period."
So finally after the long night passed and everyone was in their beds sleeping, I sneaked out of my room, went down to the kitchen and made some food for Leo. I was glad that our parents' room were on the other side of the house and on the lower floor. Leo's room was just across from mine.
I checked the knob to see if it was locked. It was.
A couple of seconds and I had it opened.
Leo was still on his bed, his blue covers wrapped over him. I carefully put the plate down on his nightstand after closing his bedroom door and locking it.
"How did you get in?" he muttered coldly.
"Are you kidding me? This is my house. You can't lock yourself anywhere, I'll know a way in."
"What are you doing here then?"
"If you stop acting grumpy then maybe I'll tell you."
He shot up. "Grumpy? You freaking broke up with me. So yeah, I'm gonna be a little grumpy."
I sighed. "Leo..."
"Don't Leo me. You can show yourself out now."
I grinned. "I'm not going anywhere."
He took a big breath, opening his mouth to yell. I jumped on him and covered his mouth as he tried to call his mom.
"Shut up!" I hissed.
He squirmed under me, so I mounted his hips and kept him still. I moved my face closer to his, looking into his warm brown eyes.
"Please, don't yell," I asked him nicely.
"I'm gun yell neway," he mumbled.
I quickly removed my hand and pressed my lips against his. He didn't fight the kiss, just kind of melted into it. I slid my hands behind his head and made the kiss more intense. His lips tasted like tears, which made me pull back and remember why I was here in the first place.
"I love you," I said quickly. "I love you so much. I didn't mean it when I said I wanted to break up. I was going to tell you that it was a pretend break up, but the nanny was outside my door and I wanted her to believe that I really did break up with you. Then maybe she wouldn't have told my parents, and she didn't. I was right."
He made a face. "Why do you want to pretend to break up? I don't understand."
I told him everything, from me talking to Felix in the locker room, to all the people who asked me the same questions over and over, to me being openly gay now. And of course, my plan to save Leo from this disaster.
"I don't see how we have to pretend to break up when no one knows we're together," he said after I was done explaining."
"If we believe it, they will, too."
"But I don't want to believe it. I don't want to hide us. I don't care what they think about us."
I rolled my eyes. "I know you don't. That's why I didn't want to tell you in the first place, because I knew you'd just want to go ahead and not give a damn. But you don't understand. You haven't been friends with all these people your entire life, you don't know the things they are capable of doing."
"What? They're gonna beat me up because I love you?"
"Yes!"
"Then let them," he said calmly.
"What?"
"Let them."
"No, I won't let them. I won't let anyone hurt you. No one is ever going to touch you." I rubbed my thumb over his jaw and stared at his beautiful brave face.
"Except you?"
"Except me."
"I still don't care. I think your plan is stupid and it makes me want to stab you."
I pulled his hand to my chest. "Then stab me. Stab me all you want if it means I can protect you."
"What about you?" he muttered.
I chuckled. "I'm the quarterback of the football team. I play basket ball, soccer, baseball. And I work out everyday. I'm pretty sure I can take all these wannabes if they want to try something funny."
"Wow, you're so conceited."
I frowned.
He wrapped his arms around me, kissing my cheek and going down to my nose and my mouth then my chin and finally my neck.
"You're so dumb," he said, kissing my smooth skin. "So. Freaking. Dumb. But I love you."
"I love you, too?"
"We're alone," he said.
"I know that, Leo."
"In the dark."
"That usually happens at night," I replied sarcastically.
"And everyone is sleeping."
"Why are you describing everything?"
He slid his hands up my shirt, rubbing his fingers over my abs. He pulled off my shirt and that was enough for me to finally catch on.
"You have to pay for scaring me," he said, taking control of my lips.
"How?" I asked, breathing hard as he kissed the air out of my lungs.
"You'll see."