Hello guys! Long time, long time. I know. It's a really trying time right now. Not the best place to be at the beginning of a decade.
Does it feel like the whole world is on pause right now? it's not but that's what it feels like cause the most normal things we used to do, we can't do them anymore. Days? They all feel the same like it's a loop.
Really makes you miss the most mundane things like commuting and just sitting with your friends... like I miss being on my uni campus and i SERIOUSLY took the times of being there for granted like oh man.
What id give to be in that ugly crowded cafeteria again.
How is everyone coping though? I can't imagine this being easy on anyone. Really hope everyone is staying safe, staying indoors and looking after their health; both physical and mental! I know especially in isolation it's so easy to feel alone and helpless but you're not alone. We're all in this together (HSM anyone? ;) we'll see it through 💕
Now, I don't know you guys but my motivation to do anything productive at all evaporated since lockdown. I haven't touched any of my work for uni, nor have I written until a few days ago.
Hence, why the MASSIVE delay but I thought now is as good as time as any other to try and get something up.
I really did miss writing about Kim and Jacky, I really did. I just need to get their story out of my head and into words.
Hopefully, I'll be able to write again soon and stay safe you guys. Take care of yourselves. Please stay at home if you can! ❤️
"Merry Christmas, little elf!" I flinch when a scratchy beanie is squeezed over my head. I didn't have to look to see who it was. When I look up, Kennedy grinning at me from ear to ear with her infamous Santa hat on.
I chuckle, fixing the hat. "Why do you always give me the elf hat? If it didn't fit last year, it won't fit this year!" After a few manoeuvrings, the hat won't stay on, and it pops off my head!
"Because no one wants a gloomy Santa, Kimmy. A grumpy elf suits you perfectly!" She jabs, making me roll my eyes. "You're literally the only person I know who hates Christmas to her core! What is wrong with you?"
I put on a feign smile, "Being a Grinch runs in the family, I guess. My dad's an even bigger one." Only he hides it better. I grab my textbooks before closing my locker. "Besides, how will Christmas be any different this year, huh?"
"You know," Kennedy starts as we make our way to our classes, "A little change of perspective does the job ? You'll see your Grandad and grandma again like you can not not be happy about that!"
"Maybe so," I muttered but by the look on Kennedy's face, she's not buying it.
She rolls her eyes, laughing lightly. "Well, shit. Save some enthusiasm for tomorrow. Please." She mutters sarcastically before looking down at her phone.
"Yep. My family. Enthusiasm is their jam." I responded in the same tone.
"Are you bringing Jacky over for a big 'meet the family' holiday situation?" She asks, stopping in front of her classroom. We still have 10 minutes before the 2nd bells goes off.
"I'll spare her." I grumbled. The mere thought of my grandparents and my father insulting my girlfriend in the most passive-aggressive manner is already ticking me off. "In fact, the longer and further I can keep her away from my dad's side of the family, the better."
No it is not, says a taunting voice in my head that sounds a lot like my best friend.
"No it's not." Figures. Kennedy lifts her head from her phone and looks at me in confusion. "So you'll never introduce her to your dad's family as your girlfriend is what I'm hearing."
Wow, that bites. It's not true, of course. Only I hate that whatever Ken is insinuating has an ounce of truth. The longer I wait out telling the rest of my family about Jacky, the harder it's becoming.
"You're too harsh. Not never..." I counter. But she raises her slumps, looking at me disappointedly that I spat out, admitting, "It's hard, Ken. It's really hard."
"Oh really? I had no idea." She huffs, rolling her eyes. "Kim, how many times do we need to have this conversation?"
"Actually, I don't want to talk about it. You keep bringing it up!" I tell her, "I'm just waiting for the right time, okay?"
"Yeah, see. That's why I keep bringing it up. You can't just wait for the right time all the time!" Kennedy retorts taking me by surprise
"You make it sound so easy." I snicker.
"Since when was everything easy for us?!" She retorts loudly cause a group of freshmen to turn but Kennedy goes on. "You have to make your own right time, and besides it's Christmas." She looks at me softly, smiling. "I mean, it's up to you. No lies on Christmas."
I sigh, leaning back. "I'll think about it. Anyway, debunk this for me. Is it true I won't see you until the 26th?" I steer the conversation. Besides, I've said everything Kennedy wants to hear, and she's already moved on from this conversation, thank god.
"Very true!" She beams. "Just like you, I have family duties to attend to because it Christmas!"
I laugh. She really put the emphasis on 'Christmas'. "Unlike me, you're actually looking forward to it." I retort and Kennedy scoffs.
"Perspective, Kim." She repeats. Oh no here we go agai— Right on cue, my saviour, the bell, rings! I can't count how many times that bell has saved from Kennedy's lectures! "'Kay. That's me. I'll see you at lunch, lil' elf."
JACKY'S POV
I've been staring at my cereal so long I've lost my appetite. Christmas is 2 days away but the actual holiday is not what I'm dreading the most. This morning as I got up, i received a text from Dillon. It's one of those texts you wish you didn't open until much later in the day, or unread it if you could.
Unfortunately, it's a little too late for that.
"Oh my. I really need to bin some of these. They're cluttering the drawer at the door." My aunt walks in the kitchen, flicking through the mail. "Jacky, you're not going yet?"
I brush off my nerves, looking up. "Just about to." I say, stirring the soggy cornflakes in my bowl.
"You don't want to be late." She reminds me as she drops the envelopes on the table. A familiar one catches my eye but quickly, I dart my eyes away. When I look up, Aunt Mae is already smiling sadly at me. "You know, your father—"
"I'm still not going to that ball, Aunt Mae." I tell her firmly but she continues to smile at me.
"I know, but that's not what I was going to ask you." She pulls a chair and sits beside me, "I was going to let you know your father arrives tonight."
Well, thanks to Dillon, he spared me the surprise. I take a deep breath to calm my nerves and then nodded, "I know. Dillon texted me this morning... at 5am— that guy doesn't sleep."
Aunt Mae chuckles lightly, leaning back. "Look, I know you and Hugh have your things, but i want you to know, if you want to come with me to meet him at the airport tonight, you're more than welcome to."
"No valet?"
"He called me and asked I pick him up myself. He's busy during his visit, and he's only here until Christmas afternoon. Maybe that's why." That surprised me. As long as I can remember, dad always had a valet to pick him up from the airport so why is this time different? "I know, darling, it's a big step and I completely understand if you don't want to come."
"His wife too?" I ask hesitantly, picking at the loose splinter on the table to avoid my aunt's gaze.
"No, Colleen arrived yesterday."
For a second, my heart pounded. I take a deep breath, letting out a heavy sigh. I'm starting to think I rushed too fast into this buddy-buddy thing with me dad who I haven't heard from in years. Thinking about standing in front of him sends a pang to my chest and it makes me wonder if I really am ready to ask him for the truths I always wanted to know.
"He'd be happy to see you." She states but something ticked in my brain that made me uneasy.
"I'm staying late in school today, Aunt Mae." I say distantly as I stand up. Aunt Mae just nods but I smile at her, grateful that she's not imposing. "Do you want me to throw these away?" I ask, shuffling through the pile of envelopes.
"Ummm," Aunt Mae looks down and picks up a bunch, handing them to me. "Just these, maybe. I haven't gone through all of these. Might be important. How about this one?"
She picks up the Ball invitation Dillon brought days ago.
"Yeah," I mumble, "takes up too much space." I take the card. "I'll see you when I get home tonight, Aunt Mae."
When I drove to school, that's where all my attention is set on. It's hard to shake off, knowing that there's a chance you'll see someone you haven't spoken to in years— someone who left you to put the pieces of why together, on your own. I know I want to talk to him, I know I want to tie up some loose ends, but I realise I didn't think about the 'how' part. How do I start— where do I start.
You built up something in your head for so long but when the opportunity is within your reach, something pulls you back.
Fear? Disappointment? Maybe.
That's why the rest of the morning passed so quickly. When lunch time came, I walked in the cafeteria but my brain snaps back to reality when I see Kim sitting at a table with Kennedy.
"There you are!" Kennedy beams when she sees me approaching. "No wonder this one came alive!"
I put my bag down and sit next to Kim. Unconsciously, she leans onto me with her elbow resting on my knee. I can't help but smile and wrap my arm around her. I missed her all morning and given the kind of morning I had, it's a breath of fresh air to be with her now.
"Are you okay?" She whispers to me, gently squeezing my hand.
I nod slowly, looking at her soft smile. "Yeah, always." Thats when I notice her giving me a weird, unconvinced expression. Before she asks, I spin the conversation around.
"Hey, is it true you're spending Christmas Eve with Vee's family?" I ask Vee. Her eyes widen in surprise, making me a laugh a bit.
"Oh my go— she told you, didn't she?"
"So that's where you're running off to!" Kim beams, teasing her best friend until she turns to me. "That could be us if my dad didn't decide to set up a Christmas party the last minute! This sucks."
Yesterday, Noelle told Kim about her dad's plan that stopped us from going on with our plan to get away on Christmas Eve. Kim's dad decided to throw a last-minute Christmas Party to welcome his parents to Old Town. According to Kim, he invited his parents' friends long time friends, along with their family friends. It's far from the calm, low-key Christmas Kim hoped for and I wish I can make that better, even for just a tiny bit.
"For the record," Kennedy cuts in, "I still think the whole idea of 'escaping' is a little too dramatic— actually, no. It's VERY dramatic."
"Says the girl who drove to Springfield at 3am because someone ran out of 'bread'." I chime in, "Did you also find out Veronica stopped eating bread?"
Kim laughs, taunting Kennedy. "Vee has you wrapped around her finger! You're such a sucker!"
Kennedy scoffs, swatting Kim's hand away but the grin on her face is unmissable. Kim and I tease her a lot about how crazy she is about Vee but really, it's so sweet. And it's not like Vee hasn't done something similar. She's crazy about Kennedy; it goes both ways. Long distance is excruciating so I get why they scrape every second they could see each other.
I can't imagine being in their shoes.
"Anyway!" Kennedy raises her voice, "Is it just me or your dad throwing a party is like... Adam Sandler starring in a period movie. It's so out of character— What's this about?"
"Smooth escape." I tease her and she makes a face at me. I snicker, shaking my head.
"Don't know. The spirit of Christmas got to his head," Kim says, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "This is a nightmare within a nightmare."
I chuckle, "When will your grandparents be here?"
"Tomorrow. I'm picking them up. Exciting." she feigns a smile, and Kennedy whimpers audibly. "I can't wait for this holiday to be over."
"God, you make Christmas sound like a death march, Kimberly." Kennedy says, making Kim roll her eyes. "Jacky, if I were you, I'd turn and run!"
"Well thank god I'm not you." I retort. Kennedy looks at me annoyedly. "Family tension, passive-aggressive interaction, nosy relatives. That's my kind of crowd." I chuckle before she brushes it off.
Honesty, If it weren't for Kim and Kennedy, my mind would explode and I'd be on the brink of going mad. It was only during lunch time when I completely forgot about my dilemma the building in my head. The moment we started our afternoon classes, it came back. I wanted to tell Kim during lunch time, but I didn't want to ruin her mood. She's already upset about the party, this will just make it worse.
It was only at the end of the day, when that time draws closer that made it harder to push away. I told me aunt I was staying in school late— I wasn't. Kim's working for a few hours at the Alley, and Kennedy and I went along like we normally do.
"Okay, I have one question." Kennedy pauses mid-swing. She straightens up, looking at me with a serious expression. "It's been... burning me since Kim let it slip in class today— Whose idea was it to 'get away' for Christmas Eve?"
"Why is that burning you?" I ask her curiously, crossing my arms.
"I don't know cause if it was Kim's, that's really impressive!"
I tilt my head, "You think so?"
"Well, if it was you, I wouldn't be surprised. You got her to New York City, didn't you?" I can't help but smile a little, knowing very well she's right. "But then again, you always sway Kim to take her family's side so.... what gives?"
Kennedy shrugs, looking at me curiously. I turn around to look for Kim, hoping she's not within earshot. She's still at the shoe rental, which means it's clear.
"It was Kim's idea." I tell her. Her eyes widen, taken back. "Even I thought it was... a little crazy!"
"Yeah, it's insane! You run away from other occasions, but never on Christmas or thanksgiving!" Kennedy exclaims, scoffing. "I can't believe you agreed to it too, actually."
Sure, when Kim suggested that, I was taken back. It came out of nowhere and I agreed because I saw how excited she was without thinking about the consequences. It made me uneasy at first, but then the longer I think about it, the more understood why she suggested it.
I let out a deep sigh, shrugging. "I guess we don't have the jolliest memories of this holiday, we wanted to make our own."
"Or..." Kennedy puts the ball down, "You needed to run away from something? Or someone?"
"You could say that," I say, "I was going to convince her otherwise, anyway." Admitting that was a surprise for Kennedy, "I didn't believe she wants to go away because she needs to. It's more like she wanted to spite her family. But I know when the anger wears off, you'll regret doing it. It was always like that for me. She's lucky to have them as it is and I don't want her to lose them because of that. Family's important."
"Even the ones who leave us behind?" Kennedy asks cautiously and it hit me right where it's supposed to.
I glance at the clock at the monitor very quickly to check the time. I take a deep breath, remembering that my dad's going to be here in a couple of hours.
"I mean, yeah, it's an insane idea," Kennedy huffs, shrugging her shoulders. I can't help but smile, grateful at her for switching the subject around. "I stand by it. But, you know, Kim would never dream of doing that before she met you."
I chuckle, "Oh, perfect. I'm a terrible influence."
"The worst," Kennedy agrees sarcastically, laughing. "No, but seriously. She's starting to see that she can build this life and world of her own, because you showed her it's possible."
"Kennedy, the world I built for myself... I had all the control but it was empty no matter how I filled it." I shake my head. Kim passes in front of us on her way to the counter, talking to her colleague. My eyes follow her and I felt that familiar warmth in my chest. "Until now."
I hear Kennedy laugh a little, gently nudging me. "Well she opened your eyes to that, and you made her brave. You bring out the best in each other."
"You have a point," Kim looks at me over her shoulder, mouthing '1 second' to me and I nod before she turns to the customers in the line. "But she was already brave long before I knew her." I say.
"Yeah, you're right." Kennedy says, hauling a massive bowling ball off the racks. "Speaking of Kim, she'll take her break anytime now."
"I am." Kim sprints to Kennedy in a panicked pace and stops her from swinging the ball. "You are definitely not using this weight again! Last time, you cracked the floor and the ball almost rolled down the stairs!"
I chuckle, stepping aside for her to return the back on the rack. She laughs, brushing her hair off her face, making me smile to be standing so close to her.
"You're standing way too close in a professional environment." I tease her.
"Do you work here?" She taunts and I simply shake my head. She grins, grabbing my hand without a second thought. "Then I'm not violating anything."
That's when I hear Kennedy make an exaggerated gagging noise, causing us both to look at her. "You can never work together! You'd be breaking every code of professionalism!"
Kim rolls her eyes and drags me along with her. She passes Kennedy and bonks her on the back of her head. Kennedy yelps, glaring at her best friend before Kim drags me away from all the noise, laughing."
Every time she goes on break, Kim goes to this small shop outside the Alley. She told me the coffee is burnt, but it's cheap, the place is quiet, the owner is really lovely and warm and that's why she likes coming here.
"I know Old Town is not as amazing but, if I do leave this place, I'll miss it," she says, picking up her favourite pack of chips. "It's not the land of opportunities but it's home."
I smile, squeezing her hand. "It's always like that when you leave somewhere your comfortable in." I assure her and she smiles, a little unsure. I try to make her feel better, so I console her, "But Old Town is pretty amazing if you ask me."
She lights up a little more, telling me she appreciates what I said. I can imagine how scary it must be even just thinking about leaving your hometown, and living in a city where you don't know anyone. But I have no doubt Kim will get through it, and she'll be amazing. And I can't wait to see her thrive in her element, be so happy.
"Do you want coffee?" I ask her as she looks at the biscuits on the shelves. "I'll get it for you. You roughly have 15 minutes left of your break."
She nods, grinning at me. I walk over to the counter where a clock is sitting just behind the cashier. 19:00. Just one hour until my dad's plane lands.
"A cappuccino, please." I tell him and he nods, turning around to prepare the coffee.
Kim walks over and leans on the counter, "Were you really okay during lunch time?" She asks turning me slightly to face her.
My eyes widen, surprised at the bluntness of her question. "Could you tell?"
She lets out a small smile, albeit a concerned one, and nodded. "Yeah, Jacky, I could tell. Even now, you look bothered. What's going on?"
I take a deep breath and unconsciously glanced at the clock again as if the time moved an hour forward already. Kim catches me looking at the clock with curiosity so I let it out.
"My dad's flight lands in an hour," I explained Kim looks at me in high alert as she stands straighter. "My aunt asked me this morning if I wanted to come pick him up with her and.... I said no."
That's when Kim's smile returns. She tilts her head as her eyes meet mine, "But you want to, don't you?"
"Not really, I—" I take a deep breath and Kim raises her brows at me inquisitively. "It's all I can think about today. The more it's beginning to feel real, the more uncertain I become. I mean, honestly, what do I say to someone who left me five years ago—"
I stop abruptly when the cashier walks back with Kim's coffee. She smiles at him, playing it off as I pay him for Kim's food. We both step outside and, I went on when no one is listening.
"You did pretty well with your brother, and you were more unprepared for him than your dad," she reminds me, but I didn't really do 'well'. I avoided him the most part. "Do you still want answers to all your questions?"
Damn it. I sigh, nodding. "Yes, of course I do." That's when another thing spills out, "But I don't know if I want those answers... tonight."
I didn't notice immediately when Kim stops to sit on a bench before the stairs to the alley. When I look at Kim, her expression is the complete opposite of mine. I'm visibly freaking out but she's so calm!
"Sit with me for a second," she takes my hand and pats the empty space beside her. "You don't have to get those answers tonight. You don't even need to get them this year if you're not ready for them!"
"I don't think it's that," I admit, shaking my head. Kim takes both my hands and gently rub her thumb on my knuckles, already easing away the panic I was feeling all day. "I'm scared that they're not the answers I thought they were."
She lets out a deep breath without tearing her gaze away from me. I never admitted that to anyone, but Vee. No ex-girlfriend has seen me in a freak out before but with Kim it just spills right out without trying.
I think she was waiting for me to calm down because it took a few seconds before she asks, "Will you be happier if you get the answers you're hoping for?"
"Not all of them are good." I murmur, feeling my chest clench. "That's why..."
Kim scoots closer, gently tilting my chin up to look at her. "Would you rather find out, or guess for who knows how long again? Any answer is better than second guessing, Jacky." she says and I can't help but nod. She's right. "You don't need to ask your dad tonight, but it's a step forward. You don't even have to go tonight, it's totally up to you!"
I nod, letting all that she said sink in. "Kim, would you go if you were in my shoes?" I ask her.
She puts her coffee down and look at at me vacantly for a second. "Yeah, I would. Cause you never know when another opportunity like that comes." She shrugs, rolling her eyes dramatically, making me laugh.
I chuckle, shaking my head. "I'm not even sure know if he wants to see me, to be completely honest. He hasn't seen me for years, what's a couple more, right?"
"Yeah? Didn't you tell me before a valet picks up your dad in every trip?" I look at her, frowning. "If he didn't want to see you, then why didn't he go with a valet again? Why would he ask Mae to pick him up all of a sudden?"
I look down at my hands and nervously pick at a loose skin on the edge of my nail, still finicky and with Kim's explanation, she brought something in a new light.
"Hypothetically, if I do go to the airport, what do I say to him?"
I turn to Kim to see her drink from her coffee, shrugging. Then she looks at me with a bright smile and mischievous glint in her eyes as she puts her cup down.
"You say 'Hi', babe." She retorts, before bursting into laughter.
I snort, shaking my head in disbelief. "Kim, I don't think I can call my dad 'babe'. That's weird." I joke, making her laugh again.
I walk Kim back up since her break is running out. When we make it to the Alley's floor, Kennedy is still playing although looking more frustrated now. I follow Kim to the counter as she logs in, my eyes catch the time on the register's clock. 40 minutes. That makes me nervous.
"Hey," Kim nudges me with a smirk playing on her lips, nodding at the door. "Go see your dad, Jacky. It will give you some peace of mind. One step forward. You got this."
She winks as a 'good luck' gesture. I smile as my heart leaps, and before I know it, I'm in my car driving to O'Hare International Airport.
Suddenly, it's the most nerve-wracking moment this week. There's so much uncertainty riding on this decision. Until now, I don't know what to say to the man who's supposed to be my father. I got an uneasy feeling when I reach the premises of the city. I'm so nervous I feel like I'm going to throw up or pass out. Or both.
'It's a step forward,' is what Kim said.
Suddenly, I wished the drive was longer. I pass the vehicle checkpoint at the airport, and that's when it hit me how daunting this moment is but I'm still convinced by the idea that once this is out of the way, it gets easier.
I sincerely hope that's true.
I walk through the Arrivals and went straight to the monitor. My flips leaps in the worst way possible. He's here. In a few minutes, he will walk out those gates.
And it's that torture of waiting; stretching the time and waiting in anticipation, spinning your head if any type of scenario. Your heart beat quickens until you can longer breathe, and your mind refuses to let you think clearly. It's not the actual moment that feels like hell.
It's the waiting.