DPOV
"I can't believe you don't want anything. It's going to be a boring birthday."
"It doesn't matter."
"What do you –"
It struck me like lightning. And I couldn't restrain the word before it slipped out. "Freedom." The one thing we both wanted more than anything. The freedom to dictate our own future, freedom to love one another, and more importantly the freedom to act on that love — to pursue a relationship and see what could come of it. But neither of us had that, and most painfully for me, I don't have the power or freedom to give her the freedom she deserves.
The damage of my voicing her desire — our desire — showed clearly on her face and in her eyes, wrenching my heart from my chest. "It's not fair." Her voice is a whisper, but her message is a shout of frustration.
"I know, Rose, I know." The candour of the moment is shocking, and opening a can of worms that could potentially lead to almost treasonous comments. There's also a confronting naked vulnerability about it. I know I should shut this down now before one of us says or does something irrevocable, but I can't. I started this, and now I need to let it run its course.
Rose gets lost in her own thoughts for a concerningly long while, her face an open book. It's her shivers that bring her out of those thoughts. She can barely meet my eyes when she shocks me with her next comment. "It wasn't simply a bad dream... actually, it had been a mostly good dream... until I realised that it wasn't just me dreaming..." her hand runs through her hair before she shakes her head, sighs, and finally meets my gaze directly and intently. "It was Lissa, Dimitri — Lissa and Christian... and it's not the first time."
My lips turn down in confusion. What does she mean by Lissa and Christian?
Her eyes roll. "You can't seriously think they're innocent, can you? You've seen how serious they are."
"I prefer not to think about that when it comes to my underage charge." I try not to think about her — my underage student — like that even more. But it's not easy, especially when I know what she feels like naked, when I know how she tastes, when I've seen her more vulnerable than the day she was born. My subconscious loves to torture me with the memories when my guard is down — day and night, no matter how much I chastise myself.
"Yeah, well I don't get much of a say," she snaps sharply though quietly. "Especially in my sleep."
"I thought you'd gotten good at blocking her."
"Humph. In the day, yeah. But nighttime — when we're all supposed to be asleep? My mind is vulnerable to intrusion, and those kind of strong emotions override whatever barriers are in place, whatever emotions I'm feeling, and lock me in until I can find something stronger of my own..." her rant tapers off, and she starts to shut down on me, as if embarrassed or suddenly realised she may have revealed too much.
My frown deepens. I don't like her shutting me out — it feels as though she can't or won't let herself trust me... a slap in the face. No matter how complicated things are between us, she should always feel she can trust me. With anything and everything. "Have you talked to her about this?" I ask while witnessing her shiver again and concern that her teeth will soon chatter rips through me, my duster removing itself and wrapping around her. The burning frission of sexual tension is unavoidable, undeniable, inevitable, and more intense than ever. It takes everything I have to control my physical response.
"Seriously, Dimitri?" The question is loaded, and a chastisement for wrapping her in my duster despite her earlier protests... even as I see her snuggle into it and inhale deeply, visibly calming as my scent encompasses her and invades all her senses. The tenderness I feel at witnessing this threatens to explode from my chest and does nothing to help quell the physical and intellectual sexual tension my body is experiencing.
"Roza... she's your best friend, surely you can talk to her about her nocturnal life impacting your sleep? She'd understand the importance of you getting decent sleep in order to be on your A-game with training and especially the Field Experience."
Her snort surprises me. "I wouldn't hold my breath on that, Comrade. Besides, I'd be at risk of telling her too much if I broached the topic." Her attempt at a raised brow is an indication of exactly what she means. Us. And it hits me that I am the thought of hers that overpowers the bond when Lissa's sex life invades Rose's mind. I don't know how to respond to that. "Besides, she has enough shit of her own to deal with, she doesn't need mine on top of hers... plus Fireboy's."
"You don't need to keep everything to yourself. You have a good support network, Roza... and you shouldn't be afraid to lean on it when you need to." You shouldn't be afraid to lean on me.
"You say that, but tell me Dimitri, do you go and burden others when you have issues?"
"I don't have the network you do, Rose."
"Answer the damn question, Comrade."
Sighing, I admit that, "No, I don't. I deal with them myself," then I notice a smart-ass remark bubbling up and hurriedly cut her off. "But I know now that it's more damaging. You showed me that, Roza. And I will not watch you use the same toxic coping mechanisms. I absolutely won't sit by and watch or allow you to make my mistakes." I just won't.
"You can't control me, Dimitri." Her whole body turns hostile and sets me on edge. Her tendency to more-swiftly-than-ever become hostile is new and happening more frequently... worryingly more frequently.
"I know, and I don't ever intend to. But I will not be quiet any longer when I see you doing something so potentially detrimental. I care about you too much." Both personally and professionally. My own intense gaze stares her down, willing her to drop the hostility.
Eventually she does. But it takes a while. "So, what? If I start talking to you, would you talk to me?" It's another loaded question, but nothing less than I deserve.
Against my better judgement, I irresponsibly agree. It's going to be a hard agreement to uphold and each time doing so will take us further down a path we can't afford to follow, doing untold and irreversible damage to our professional future.
"I'm going to hold you to that."
My smile in response melts her remaining obstinacy. My heart races uncontrollably. "I expect nothing less." I run a hand through my own hair just as she does yet again, the biting wind making our locks uncontrollable. "We need to get you back inside before you're caught by someone else and before you get sick from exposure." My arm automatically reaches around her waist to nudge her in the direction of the dorm's back entry. The momentary contact reminding me how thin her layers really are and indicating how long she's been out here. Not even the leather of my duster can mitigate that... or the eternal, ever present draw of her skin to mine... of her body to mine... of her to me.
"You know I'm hardier than that, Comrade."
"I'm not taking the risk, Rose." My tone is tight, even when I want to continue the natural banter between us that is so comforting it's disturbing.
"What about you? Not even your arctic-wasteland, Siberian adjusted immunity to the cold can prevent everything!" Her teasing is a comforting reassurance that our heavy discussion is closed and her natural sass is back. If only for now.
"It's not an arctic wasteland," I sigh and shake my head in exasperation. "One day, Roza, one day I'll prove your stereotypical image is wrong and that Siberia is more beautiful than you can imagine." As frustrating as her stereotypical image of my homeland is, I can't find it in me to be truly offended. Maybe it's because she never intends it to be offensive and I instinctively know that. Maybe it's because I know how sheltered her upbringing at the Academy has been.
We're almost around the corner of the building, my body shielding her from the worst of the wind when I hear the footfalls of someone walking in our direction. Swiftly handing Rose the keys and pushing her the rest of the way, I hiss in a whisper, "Stay out of sight and get inside," before turning to face the person coming our way.
"Belikov!" It's Alberta. What's she doing out here at this hour?
Incomplete (A VA Fanfic One-S...
By Jess-Roza
A collection of long and short Vampire Academy fanfiction one shots. All start at different points in the ser... More