My head felt like it was being squeezed from all directions. My throat was sore and from just trying to clear it I could tell I was on the verge of losing it. My stomach churned like it was hungry but I knew the second I tried to put anything in it, I'd probably throw up. And my left hand. My left hand throbbed like a motherfucker. I brought it in front of my face to get a better look. Even in the darkness of the room, I could see that it was wrapped. What the fuck?? I tried to remember last night. How the fuck did my hand end up getting wrapped up? Did I fight someone? Lex....
Something happened with Lex. Or was that a dream? I quickly turned to the side to determine whether or not she was in bed next to me. She wasn't. But she had said she was gonna come after she was done in the studio. But we had a fight... But she was still gonna come. Wasn't she? Fuck, I couldn't remember shit. I scrambled around looking for my phone, wincing in pain as I tried to get my left hand to do shit it normally could do. My phone wasn't in the bed, or on the floor, the nightstand, or in my sweatpants pocket. I used the hotel phone to call the front desk and had them transfer me to Paul's room.
"Yeah," he answered groggily.
"Paul....what the fuck happened last night?" I said breathlessly.
He let out a big sigh and I heard shuffling on the phone like he was getting up and moving around. "I'll be right there." Before I could say anything else, he hung up.
What the fuck was going on?? I hung up and quickly dialed Lex's number. No answer. It didn't even ring. Went straight to voicemail. Where was she staying? Pretty sure she had said the Comfort Inn in Burbank. But she checked out yesterday morning to stay with me for 3 nights; so where was she?
I stumbled into the bathroom to take a piss. As I went to wash my one good hand, I saw the blood stains on my pants in the mirror. What the fuck?? I wracked my brain but couldn't remember anything after the show. A knock at the door interrupted my lack of thoughts.
"Paul, what the fuck is going on?" I demanded as I threw open the door and Paul sauntered in. Proof and Royce followed at a drowsy pace, rubbing their eyes and yawning. Paul opened the blackout curtains, letting in an enormous amount of light. It looked like it was the middle of the goddamn day. I looked at the clock, surprised that I hadn't looked at it before. 1:38pm. Shit.
"Em, you should sit down," Paul said, clearing his throat and taking a sip of the water he had brought with him. He reached in my mini-fridge and handed me an unopened one. I took it suspiciously.
"Why? What the fuck is this? Where's Lex at?" I questioned, searching everyone's face for clues. The three of them proceeded to tell me the details of the previous evening. The more they talked, the more I felt the urge to yack. I studied my wrapped-up hand in disbelief and lowered my head to my hands, trying to force my brain to remember.
"Why in the fuck didn't you stop me or them girls when you saw that shit Royce?" I yelled.
"I tried to get the girls to come kick it with me and my girl, but shit homie I was gettin' one off too! They really was all over each other til you seemed like you was about to be knocked out. Then they started messin' wit you, but I thought you was still kinda wit it cuz you was mumbling to 'em and shit. I couldn't hear what you was sayin' though; the music was up, everyone was talkin'. And you was wavin' yo' hand around; next thing I know the one girl pulls yo' shit out and Lex walks through the door, like literally one second after the other. What the fuck was I supposed to do?" Royce explained.
I got up off the edge of the bed and walked over to the balcony door, rubbing my hand over my hair. I searched the parking lot below for any trace of her or her car before remembering she was driving a rental. "Where'd she go?" I asked, my voice hoarse and cracking.
"I don't know," Paul answered. Royce and Proof shrugged and shook their heads like they also didn't know.
"Call her," I demanded of Paul. "Please. She ain't answer when I called her from the room. Yo, where the fuck is my phone at?"
"Oh," Proof said, getting up and going to the closet. "They put all your shit in a plastic bag at the hospital." He pulled a bag out that held my phone, my wallet, and....was that Lex's sweatshirt? Her blood-stained grey zip-up hoodie was in a separate bag inside the first bag. I looked at Proof worriedly. He shook his head. "She used it to wrap yo' hand up. She a'ight, Doody." My face relaxed a little and I nodded.
"Straight to voicemail," Paul said behind me as he hung up his cell.
My phone was dead so I quickly went over to the nightstand to charge it. "I gotta go find her," I said with more panic in my voice than I had expected to come out.
"She supposed to be at the studio today?" Proof asked.
"I don't know...." I replied, pissed at myself for not knowing what her plans for the day were gonna be.
"Marshall, we have a meeting at 4 to discuss the concept and recording for tomorrow's video shoot," Paul said in a low voice.
"I don't give a fuck about no fuckin' video shoot right now Paul. I gotta find her." I dug in my bag for a change of clothes and headed for the shower.
After several attempts at getting any information out of her, Cassie finally told me that Lex had gone in to the studio around 10am. She had apparently stayed over at her place last night. Cassie asked me to give Lex some time but fuck that. I got Big Naz to drive me over there immediately. Paul insisted on coming.
We pulled up in front of NRG Studios a little after 2:30. "Now don't go doing anything stupid," Paul warned. I shot him a look as I got out of the car.
I had no game plan. What the fuck was I supposed to say? How could I defend myself when I didn't even remember what had happened? Royce said I didn't do anything, but based on what he said she saw...I knew I was in for a beating. But I had to try.
I flung open the door and walked up to the receptionist. "Um...yeah, I need to see Lexi Grey. I think she's in the studio with Linkin Park."
She looked at a large book. "Is she expecting you?" she asked over her wire-framed glasses.
"Uh...yeah," I lied.
She gave me the once-over and pointed me down a hallway to the left. "Studio B. Second door on your left. Please wait until the red light is off before going in," she said. I nodded and made my way down the hall, signaling for Naz to stay in the lobby.
I looked through the windows that lined the hallway. Studio A was dark. Studio B was lit up. In the instrument room, there were 2 guys sitting on stools with guitars, a guy at a drum set, and a guy at a keyboard. Right next door, in the control room, were 3 guys standing around talking, and at the soundboard...was my beautiful Lex.
The way she looked right then could have brought me to my knees. Her face, usually so warm and vibrant, was dull and lifeless and it looked like she hadn't slept. She played with the controls, unenthusiastically nodding her head to some beats and then shaking her head when she didn't fuck with it. She looked so distracted and I knew it was my fault. The red light above the door was off and I used that moment to make my grand entrance.
"Lex, I need to talk to you," I demanded as I opened the door. All eyes were on me before one man spoke up.
"Dude, this is a closed session. What do you need?" he asked, looking slightly annoyed and just as confused as everyone else.
"To talk to her," I nodded at Lex. She looked around, visibly embarrassed before getting up out of her chair.
"I-I'm so sorry guys. I'll, I'll be right back," she stuttered as she pushed me out the door. After closing it behind her she pushed my back up against the wall behind me which, truth be told, turned me the fuck on.
"What the fuck do you think you're doing Marshall?" she whispered angrily. Fuck, I loved hearing her say my name. Even when she was pissed. Her eyes narrowed and I was able to get a good look at her as she stared me down.
She wore no make-up despite the dark circles and puffiness around her eyes. I could tell she'd been crying...a lot. I was sure everyone else could too. Her hair was soft and layered and fell down several inches past her shoulders. Had she gotten it trimmed while she was out here and didn't tell me? It wasn't styled; it looked more like she'd been running her fingers through it relentlessly; but it was beautiful all the same. She wore a pair of sweatpants, a T-shirt that stated simply "MUSIC IS LIFE", a black zip up hoodie, and a jean jacket on top. On her feet, a pair of black Jordans. As usual, she sported the urban look effortlessly and looked cute as fuck doin' it. I looked for the bracelet....she still had it on. I breathed a sigh of relief. If shit was really done with us, she would have taken that off...right?
"Hello?!" she exclaimed, pulling me out of my thoughts. "How could you come up to my work like this?!"
"I need to talk to you about last night. Somewhere private..." I started to look around for a spot.
"No," She shook her head as she backed up slowly. "I can't do this...not here. Not right now. I'm working. This is making me look so unprofessional."
"Fuck professional," I said in a low voice as I stepped back towards her. "I wanna make sure we're good." I reached for her hand but she pulled it away before I could even touch her. She looked away, like she wanted to say something but didn't know how. When she finally looked back to me, her eyes were brimming with tears. All I wanted to do was take her in my arms...but something told me I might get smacked for that.
"We're not good," she whispered as she sniffled.
"What?" I asked.
"We're not good," she said louder, her voice sounding hoarse and congested.
"Baby please...just lemme try and explain this shit," I begged.
"There's nothing to explain," she replied, looking dead at me. "Nothing you can say will ever get that image out of my head. Ever." She swallowed hard as she looked up and down the hallway. I pictured what Royce had told me she saw and closed my eyes momentarily.
"I don't even know what happened Lex. I was so fucked up."
"That makes it okay? So I can go out tonight, get shit-faced, let some naked guys feel me up and pull my pants down and my titties out and still be with it enough to chase you out of a hotel room and bash in your fucking car window and everything would be fine?" Her voice was getting higher-pitched even though the huskiness behind it told me she had been crying so much she was now losing her voice.
I looked at my feet as I shook my head. She was right. That shit wouldn't fly for me neither. I'd fucking kill somebody. "Nah, it wouldn't." I looked back up. "But I'd at least hear you out."
"Hear you out?" she repeated incredulously. She scoffed as she shook her head. "Look, like I said...I can't do this right now."
"When?" I asked bluntly. "Tell me when you can do this, and I'll be there. I'll do whatever I gotta do to make this up to you. Just please tell me we can get past this shit." I took another step towards her and she took another one back so that now she was up against the opposite wall.
She looked me deep in my eyes. I wonder if she saw my love for her there, cuz that's all I had for this woman...love. And I felt like it was pouring out of me. Her eyes, however, only poured out sadness and defeat.
"You have to go Marshall," she said quietly as she looked up at me, so beautifully, so innocently. Fuck, how could I have fucking done this shit to her?
"No...not until you tell me we're gonna get past this," I demanded.
"I can't do that."
"Why?!"
"Because!...I don't know if we can," she blurted out painfully. It was like the hardest slap in the face I could imagine. I was speechless for a minute. That hadn't been what I expected her to say.
"What?" I whispered, taking another step towards her so I could have leaned down and kissed her if I didn't think she'd push me away and kill me in the process.
"You heard me," she whispered as she avoided eye contact. I waited for her eyes to meet mine, but they wouldn't. After awhile, I realized I wasn't getting anywhere.
"So that's it?" I asked, now getting mad and standing up straighter in front of her. "You gonna throw this away?" I gestured between the two of us. "The last 6 months?...Fuck that, the last 4 years?!"
She shook her head but continued to avoid eye contact. "Don't put this on me....This is not my fault!" she said loudly, finally looking at me...or should I say glaring at me. Now I could see hurt and anger in her eyes but the tears still hadn't fallen.
"Really? Cuz the way I see it, if you'd've just come up there when you was supposed to...it'd woulda been you all over me last night instead of those fuckin' hos. None of this shit woulda happened. All for these fuckin clowns whose album probably ain't gonna do shit." It was low blow after low blow but it was all I had to fight with in that moment.
Lex scoffed. "Wow," she said, making her way back to the control room door. With her hand on the knob, she slowly turned to me. "Well now you can have as many hos all over you as you want...whenever you want," she said calmly and quietly. She stared at me for a minute before starting to turn the knob.
I tried to pull her free arm back towards me but she snapped it away. "Lex, wait...Come on! You really gonna do this after one mistake? One?! Haven't I always treated you perfect? Royce and them said she ain't even do nothin to me but pull it out. He even said I tried to get her off me. That don't mean shit to you?" I asked, desperately fishing for any and everything I could think of to get her to reconsider.
She let go of the doorknob and got in my face. Fuck, for a second I thought she was gonna kiss me and this shit would be over. "You don't fucking get it do you?" she asked. "You're just getting started Marshall. You have weeks to go on this tour and another one coming up in the summer. You're working on your next album. You're not going anywhere. You're only gonna get bigger. There's only gonna be more girls, bigger parties, more drugs, more alcohol. How am I supposed to trust you now? How?!" She looked like she was really asking me. But I didn't know how to answer her. "I refuse to be one of those girlfriends who's constantly worried about what her man is doing. Constantly checking up on you. Constantly paranoid. No...I won't fucking do it. That's not me. That's not who I wanna be....And I know that's not the type of girl you need in your life." She said that last sentence with so much heaviness, so much sadness...she nearly choked up.
She eased up and made her way back to the control room door. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry this happened," she said quietly, looking straight at me before shaking her head slowly. "You'll never know how sorry."
I stood there dumbfounded like a fucking idiot. Unable to speak. Shocked beyond belief at what the fuck was happening.
"Goodbye Marshall," she said as she opened the door and started heading back in.
"No!" I yelled as I grabbed her and pinned her up against the wall next to the door with my forearm across her chest. "No," I whispered. "I won't let you do this to us Lex. You're the only one for me...you know that. What the fuck am I supposed to do without you? Please...." I fought to hold them back but tears immediately started flooding my eyes.
"Lex, you okay?" A guy with dark hair came out of the room, followed by the two other guys who had been in the control room. He was taller than me but I was ready to knock this dude out if he tried to interfere. Lex looked over at him but didn't respond.
"Ay, how bout you ease up man?" he said, stepping closer to me and putting his arm between me and Lex.
"Mike, it's fine," Lex said, holding onto the upper part of my arm that kept her flush against the wall. "Just go back inside, I'll be there in a minute."
"Is this guy fuckin' with you? We need to call security or some shit?" he asked.
"Security?!" I laughed. "Yeah buddy...you go fuckin' call security. Get a real man up here to fight yo battles. In the meantime, me and my girl are tryin to have a private fuckin conversation. So why don't you back the fuck off?"
"I'm not your girl Marshall," Lex piped in. I turned quickly to look at her. Did she really just say that shit? "Not anymore." She closed her eyes for a moment, making the tears finally fall. When she opened them back up, it was like she forced herself to look at me. The fact that she looked sadder than I had ever seen her in my life didn't mean shit to me at that point.
I took my arm off her and backed up.
"Oh yeah?" I asked pridefully. "Okay." I sniffed as I started backwards down the hall. "Ay, why don't you go 'head back in the studio wit your new little boyfriend over here. I won't bother y'all again. Maybe that's the real reason you're done. Huh Lex?"
I was being the biggest fucking douche in the world, but I couldn't help it. I was so angry, so hurt. So I wanted her to feel what I felt. But deep down, I knew she wasn't calling it quits cuz of another dude. That girl has been down for me since day one...and has always shown it. I hated myself for the things I was saying to her, but they just fucking spilled out of me.
The tears continued down her cheeks as I walked away but she stood firm...and didn't come after me. Nothing could soothe the pain of that moment. Nothing except her running into my arms and kissing me...and forgiving me.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," I continued as the realization that that scenario wouldn't be happening sunk in. I turned around and flashed the small crowd of people that had formed in the hallway deuces as I stormed out.