I sat on the stool with tears streaming down my face as I watched Jimmy stand in front of me. He bit his lip as he stood in front of me. "Start a life with me, baby. Come home, please?" He asked me. I could only see him. I had tunnel vision. I watched as he stood there. I could see the smile slowly fading from his face.
"DO IT! SAY YES!" I heard above us. Jimmy raised his head and let out a smile. Several other people started cheering for him. I suddenly felt very self conscious and was very aware that we were in the middle of a large crowd. I stood up and grabbed Jimmy's hand and then pushed him towards the elevator.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I kept pushing him towards the elevator. "We aren't doing this in front of everyone. We're keeping this as private as we can." I whispered. As we walked past Luke, the boy I paid to keep my room private, I shot him a look. "I want my 20 dollars back by the way!" I said as we walked into the elevator.
"Give him a break. He was just doing what I told him to do. I paid good money for that information." He chuckled. I shot him a look as we went up to my floor. "Still not funny yet? Ok." He said as he looked down at the floor. "Will you talk to me?" he said as he looked back up at me holding his lips as he watched my face. I just stared at him. "I take that as a no." He said as the doors opened.
I pushed him out of the elevator and kept pushing him towards my room. "Hey quit pushing me!" he said as I opened the door and threw him in. I shut the door behind me and pushed him onto the bed. "Breck.." He started. I shook my head and put my finger in his face. He closed his lips and acted like he locked them with an invisible key and crossed his fingers as he looked down at the floor. I paced in front of him back and forth for a few minutes. I was sighing harder and harder with each lap I paced. Finally I found the word I was looking for.
"DUMBASS!" I yelled at him finally. He whipped his head up and looked at me. "Okay, I deserve that." He said slowly. "No, No. You deserve more than that. Much more. I'm just so... pissed at you that the only word I can articulate to you right now without feeling like a complete asshole is DUMBASS. Cause that's what you are. You're an idiot. I mean it. A total and complete idiot!" I said as I paced some more.
"I don't disagree with you. I am an idiot. I'm an idiot for drinking. I'm an idiot for posing with those fans. I'm an idiot for not calling. For not coming home when I should have. I'm an idiot for walking out that front door when what I should have done was take you to the bedroom and show you how a woman should be treat. Show you how I really feel. I'm an idiot for all those reasons and a thousand more but.. this is what we do Breckyn. Well, that's what we do. We fight. You tell me when I am being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you're being a pain in the ass - which you are, 99% of the time. I'm not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two second rebound rate, and you're back doing the next pain-in-the-ass thing...So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be REALLY hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day. Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's not with me then Go! I lost you once, I think I could do it again, if I thought it's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out." He said to me.
"Really, James. Really? That's from the Notebook. You think I wouldn't notice?" I scoffed as I kept pacing. He grabbed my hand on the last way round. "Just because its from the Notebook, don't make it not true. But if you want real words, then I'll try my best but I'm not a man of many words. The words I give come off cue cards and my writers aren't here."
I looked down at him and sighed. He looked up at me. He sighed and looked into my eyes. I looked away. I don't like confrontation or emotional speeches. I can't hold eye contact when emotions are involved. Jimmy grabbed my hand. "Breckyn, look at me." I looked back at him. "Just, forget about the panic you are feeling right now. I know you don't like this kind of stuff. It makes you feel edgy. It makes you feel like running out of this room but I just need you to focus on me. Look into my eyes. Listen to my words." I looked into his eyes. "Breathe, Breckyn. Breathe and listen to these words." I took a deep breath and so did Jimmy. He let out a breath and began:
"I know that I'm just a funny man who makes a living being an idiot but one thing I would never joke about is my love for you. Our first meeting was a combination of chance, bad luck, and fate but... I... I.. I believe in moments, Breckyn. I believe in the impact that these moments can have on your life. It's in these moments of impact that turn our lives upside down actually define who we are. One of my absolute favorite moments was when you literally fell for me and I swept you off your feet and we didn't really hit it off, exactly. We didn't quite get it." He looked up and let out a quick laugh. His eyes were starting to sparkle. And, uh, well about half a year later we were starting to figure it out, and then you went home and we experienced another moment of impact." Jimmy cleared his throat and looked down at the floor. I picked up his chin and brought him up to look at me. I saw tears welling in his eyes."You almost died, again, and it was in that moment when I realized that a world without you in it," He voice broke and cracked into a high pitch voice. " is not a world that I can belong in." he whispered in a raspy voice. "Whew..." he said as he wiped his face on his sleeve and then grabbed my hand again and cleared his throat, rubbing his neck with his free arm. " That was where we discovered each other and ourselves. That was where we became the people who we are and there was where we found out about Thomas." He let out a chuckle and started crying again. He grabbed his bottom lip and shook his head. "I can do this. I promise. Just give me a second." He took two deep breaths and continued." I look forward to more moments of impact with you. I look forward to Thomas being born. I look forward to all our arguments about how to raise him and Winnie. I look forward to the day he calls you Mommy for the first time, after he calls me Dada of course."he smiled. " I look forward to every single day with you, every high and every low, especially every stupid fight. I love when we fight because its is from our stupid fights that you have shown me selfless love because when things happened that were tough, you stuck by my side even when its tough for you. With you I have experienced the truth, you challenge me, and you're willing to fail sometimes because when you do I know you will always be there.. On the occasions that I do stumble, by the time I know what's happened, you're there already picking me back up." He rubbed my hand with his and put his hand to his heart and then pulled me in front of him so I was standing between his knees as he sat on the bed. "I know I've been leaving you alone far too much at night, and I know that its not easy loving me. I know its been a long hard ride and sometimes I forget to say I love you, but please know that I do. I make my share of mistakes and every lesson I learn, I will learn the hard way. I do the best that I can and I hope you understand that I'm just a man and there's a lot that I do not know and that I have yet to learn of the world but I do know that I am not afraid to walk this path with you and wherever it may lead us." He looked up at me and pulled me closer to him."Baby, I cant make you promises about what will or wont happen and I cant promise to be one thing or another. You love me for all that I am and all that I am not. I love how you make me laugh and you're always up for whatever crazy curveball I throw your way. I promise to you now, today, in this hotel room, to become a man that you deserve, realizing today that I am far from it. I may not be perfect but I think that together we fit perfectly. I promise to tell you with actions and with words how incredible I think you are. I promise to fight for you no matter what and to never give up and to never leave you to pick up the pieces again. I promise to speak when words are needed and to shut up when you just want me to be quiet. To agree to disagree on your taste in music. And above all else, I promise to love you in all your forms, now and forever."
Jimmy pulled my chin up from the spot on the floor that I had my eyes fixated on. When he lifted my chin up, I felt the tears streaming down my face. I don't know how long I had been crying but I realized that my face was soaked with tears and they wouldn't stop flowing. Jimmy stood up and put his forehead against mine and grabbed my face, looking me in the eyes. "I know that every part of you wants to fight what you are feeling right now. I know that this makes it uncomfortable for you and I know that you don't want to let me in because you might get hurt, but you have to let me in. Let me in and you won't regret it, Brecks. I promise you. I've done this a thousand different ways and its time that you let me in, Breckyn. There's no better time than now. You deserve this. I deserve this. Thomas deserves this. WE deserve this. You've got to believe that. I love you, Breckyn. I know that I've said and done a lot of things, and that I've hurt you but I will never do that again. I only want to take care of you. I will not leave you to pick up the pieces anymore. I'll be the one to pick up your pieces when you need to. You're my best friend. Just, Trust me? Let me in?" He stood back and looked at me. I looked at him for a while. He bit his lip and let a single tear fall. I slowly nodded my head. "Yes." I said as he picked me up and spun me. "You finally said yes." He said into my hair. I pushed him back.
"I'm still pissed at you." I said as I walked to my bags. Jimmy came up beside me and grabbed it for me. "That's fine, but can we be pissed at home? I'm much better at arguing when I'm in my comfort zone." He quipped as he grabbed my stuff and walked towards the door. I let out a little laugh. "Fine."
Jimmy skipped to the door and to the elevator. I followed him. The doors opened and I walked past Luke, grabbing the 20 dollars he held out for me on the way out. "You're really gonna take the money back, babe?" Jimmy asked as we walked past. "Hell yes, I am. He didn't do what I asked him too." Jimmy just shook his head and pulled out a twenty from his wallet and handed it to him. "Consider it a tip for assisting with the make up, my man." He said as he walked off. I scoffed. "Who said we've made up yet?" I sassed back at him.
"No one, I'm just hoping that eventually your anger will subside, but I'm willing to fight with you forever if it means you stick around." He said as we walked out the door. God it was hard to be mad at this man when he was cute like that but I was going to make him squirm at least a little while longer. I still was very pissed at him for even being in the situation he was in tonight and this morning but he is right. I do have to trust him. I do need to let him in. I was willing to do that for him. If it were anyone else, I would have left a long time ago.
"Race you home?" he smiled as we walked to our separate vehicles. I opened my car door and got in. "If you knew what was good for you, you'd let me win." I said as I shut my car door and started the car. I rolled down the window. Jimmy just shook his head. "Be safe." He said as I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the highway back home.
"Better prepare yourself for some major ass kissing if you plan on making up anytime soon." I texted Jimmy when I got home way before him.
I opened the door and began to strip off my clothes down the hallway towards the shower. Its been a couple days since I've had a relaxing bath. I left a trail of clothes to the bedroom as I walked over to the closet to grab my bathrobe and a towel. Just then I heard the familiar sound of Jimmy's truck door closing and whistling as he walked up the steps.
"Brecks? I got you something." I heard as he opened the door.
On second thought.. the bath could wait. I've got something for you too, James. I thought to myself as I laid on the bed.