"You're allowed to feel messed up inside out, it doesn't mean you're defective-it just means that you're human."
I can't help but cry when I opened the storage room. It is filled with blue balloons, there were hanging pictures of me and Lisa, it feels nostalgic. I further scanned the room and I saw a guitar that I've been wanting to buy, a giant bear, a wall full of sticky notes that enumerates all the things she loves about me, a giant sky blue box, when I opened it, there's one purple heart balloon that popped out and it says "Happy 26th Birthday, Rosie. I love you." 26th? Which means it was recent, I just turned 26 last month. I'm so puzzled, how did it all get in here?
I let my eyes wandered more and I saw a pile of letters. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I think it's nearly a thousand letters. I sat down and randomly selected it.
February 11, 2018
Mrs. Manoban,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, BABYYY! I hope you don't mind me singing here but I'll sing to you when you get back home. For the past few months, I know you've been struggling, I can see your efforts and your love for me. I was so stupid for setting my eyes on someone who doesn't even come close to you. Have I ever told you that I'm such a lucky bastard for having you? In case you're not aware, I'm telling you that you are the best thing that happened to me . I promised myself before that I will take care of you and I'm sorry if I made you feel neglected. I promise I won't let it happen again. I wanted to make it up to you, Rosie because I really see myself growing old with you. I wanted you to forget the bad memoried that I gave. I hope it's not too late to start over, let's make lot of good memories, baby? I love you💙
-Lisa💜
So she was planning on surprising me on that day but unfortunately it was the worst birthday that I ever had. I was about to put back the letter when something dropped on the floor. I picked it up opened it and saw that it was our plane ticket to Thailand. She knew how much I wanted to go there but shit happens and it did us dirty. I wanted to make memories with her too.
August 13, 2018
This is for the girl that I fell in love with. You we're my best friend and I never thought the day would come that you would walk away from me.
I should have been a better person before I met you but I didn't, at that stage of my life. I was blind. You taught me real love and I showed you what
Remember how I asked you so many times "why do you love me?" and you would always give me the most wonderful reasons. If I had not been so blind back then I would have told you before it was too late, how much you meant to me and how amazing you are as a person.
I should have made some changes to make myself better at the time. After all, it was for my benefit that I should have done them.
I dream about you a lot, and I always wake up thinking and wondering how life would've been for us if I didn't mess things up. I pray that someday you may forgive me, and maybe reach out to me but I know this is wishful thinking and you're still hurting.
I'm sorry that I let you down, I know I hurt you, and it has been so painful for me to know that I did. I regret everything because I lost you but I'm still hoping that if you ever have a change of heart, I would be a better person to you so that you could be proud to call me your Hubbywifey.
Just know that there's one person who's loving you miles away and that is me😉
-Lisa💜
October 17, 2018
Rosé,
You deserve to be happy but I gave you a desperate life. You deserve a good girlfriend and I gave you the worst. I will never forgive myself for being so rude to you.
You are the best angel I've ever met, where in the world would I go to find someone like you? The thing is, wherever I go, no one can replace you, I will always choose you.
I will be forever sorry for what I did to you. I prayed that one day you will find this message and see how regretful I am that I hurt you.
I miss the moon while counting the stars, I miss the diamond while picking the stones. I know I am not deserving to be forgiven, and I deserve to live the worst desperate life, for the rest of my life.
And, I will accept that fate if that's the consequence of what I did to you.
I am sorry that I could not be there for you when you were sick everyday. I am sorry that I you don't have a hand to hold when you needed it the most.
I am sorry that you cried every time you heard my name. I am sorry to hear that you skip many breakfasts, lunches, and dinners, you lost your appetite because of me
I am sorry that I took everything for granted. I am sorry that I didn't listen to you. If I had the world I would give it up in exchange for your love, because now I know that your love makes everything perfect.
I am sorry that I let my pride get in the way. I am sorry that I let you see how I loved someone who's not you. It was so wrong. I shouldn't let that happened.
Every one who reads this letter will never think I deserve to be forgiven, because I hurt you so badly but I'm still hoping that someday, you'll see how regretful I am for what I did.
If one day you want to turn back, I swear I will be there for you, because i love you so much.
-Lisa💜
I didn't know that I was crying until I saw a tear fell on the paper. I can feel her sincerity and remorse when I left her, I wanted to give her a chance but what if I became a victim of my own "tyranny of the shoulds"?
January 8, 2020
Chae,
I miss you a little more today. I'm sorry if I've been writing letters to you because you know how bad I am in expressing my emotions verbally. I just want to know how are you? I hope you're doing fine. You deserve to be happy, Rosie and It still bothers me 'till today that I hurt you. You, who did nothing but love me unconditionally. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry to have caused you all this trouble. For weeping every night, if I made you feel alone.
I know that it's all my fault in the past and how I wish that there's magical "undo" button in life to correct all my mistakes. Nontheless, I want you to know that youbare amazing and you mean the world to me. 2 years has been a living hell for me without you in it.
I know you deserve the best but part of me wants to be selfish because I wanted you back in my life. Can you still give me a chance?
-Yours💜
April 19, 2019
Open when you are having anxiety and panic attacks
I hope you don't get to read this letter but if you do, I want you to know that you are stronger than those attacks. I know there are times that it may get out of hand, I've seen countless times how anxiety and panic attacks brought you down but I also saw how strong you are.You've been battling it for years and I just hope it will get rid of your body. Because if they don't, I'll be the one to fight them for you.
Ehem! Let me roll up my sleeves and punch them.
"Hey! You! Leave my wife's body! Stop pestering her. She suffered long enough, I don't want to see her to undergo a great distress again. Please, leave her alone for me?"
Rosie, please give this bear a hug when you miss me. Hihih kidding. Hug her when you're feeling sad or when your anxiety and panic attacks are giving you a hard time.
Be strong, and don't be afraid to cry when you need to. It's okay not to be okay, don't invalidate your feelings. I love you, strong woman Park Chaeyoung.😉
-Lalisa
I chuckled when I read it. I'm laughing crazily while crying. I'm pretty sure my mom would probably think that I lost my sanity when she see me. I just love how Lisa can make me smile even when she's not here. I hugged the bear
"I hope you're proud of yourself because I am! I love you, Rosie." It was Lisa's chipmunk voice, she loves to use it whenever she wants to uplift my mood. I can't help but cry. These letters were so overwhelming in a good way. I miss her so much and I love you too.
April 20, 2019
Open when you're feeling down
Hey! Why are you pouting? Do you want me to kiss you? Hihihi don't you know that you look so cute when you pout? I miss your chubby cheeks but yeah, thank you for loving me for who I am and for being there for me through my ups and downs. I'm sorry if I wasn't there physically when you needed me the most. I just want to remind you that life will get hard in life and you may feel like you are alone but it doesn't mean that you have to give up, things will be better, love. You are amazing and I never want you to lose your faith in yourself, don't doubt yourself just because I made you feel unworthy. I'm sorry but know that I can go a day or two enumerating the things I love about you. If I only knew where you are right now I wouldn't hesitate to go there and give you a big huuuug! But for now, here's my hug for you, close your eyes and take my all my energy. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmwaaah😘
*oops sorry I kissed your cheeks, I hope you don't mind* I just can't help it. Save meeee I felt like going crazy without you here but I hope it made you feel better. I promise to make things right when the time permits to see us again. Always take care of yourself, Chae, Rosie, Rosé uhh why do you have so many nicknames? But you know what? I prefer to call you mine. Hihihi
-Your Lalove
I bawled my eyes out when I read this letter. It was when our relationship implode that I was able to realize how toxic our relationship had been, it badly damaged my sense of self. I stayed for too long because I let my strong emotions for her blind me to everything else. My instinct told me that it was bad and so I stopped letting my gut take over me. I chose not to see things as they were and focused on how I wanted it to be. But reading her letter, it made me feel so much better like she always used to do before.
I read the letter that says Thank you
Making you fall in love with me and having you as my girlfriend are two of the best things I have ever done in my life. My life has more meaning when I have you and it was once again lost when you left me. I know I've been a bad girlfriend to you but you always give me the best despite all my shortcomings. When you left, I aspire to be at my best. You have taught me so much about myself that I didn't even know. You give so selflessly, and you make other people become the best version of themselves by simply loving them. Thank you for loving me, baby.
There are so many countless things that I'm thankful for. Thank you for being my significant other. For being the person that I can depend on when I feel like the world turned against me. There will never be a day that goes by that I will not be grateful for you. Thank you for cooking the best food, for preparing my clothes, for baking a cake whenever I feel down, for always asking how my day went, for wiping my tears whenever I miss my family or when something made me feel upset. Thank you for being my human diary too ever since we were a trainee, you always listen to countles rants about life. For being so warm to me and guiding me always. Thank you for your being my human battery because you give me so much energy
Thank you for always believing in me, even when I failed to believe in myself. For being my cheerleader when I'm lacking in motivation. You always believe in my capabilities and you even told me that you're my no.1 fan. Guess what? I'm your ultimate fan too and I ship you that girl, Lalisa😂 Thank you for letting me see all the different sides of you, even the not so good ones, it just means that you're comfortable with my presence and I'm thankful for that.
Thank you for deciding that I am the person that you put all your effort and energy into. Thank you for all the little things that you do and most especially for loving me. I will never be able to thank you enough and this piece of paper is not enough to tell you how much I'm blessed to have you once in my life.
-Lisa
November 7, 2019
Rosie Manoban
Happy Anniversary, Baby! I'm still waiting for you. Come back to me. I miss you so much. I love you 😔
-Lisa💙
It was a short simple message but I felt the walls that I built for years tore apart. She already answered the questions that I've been longing to find answers. It's like she was able to calm me with these letters and
I think I had a change of heart.
I was about to head out when I caught a glimpse of a black and pink box. I opened it and saw another envelope.
Open when you're ready
The last thing I want to do is to hurt you but I failed miserably because I did. For that, i hate myself even more. I'm deeply sorry and know that I truly regret all of it. I know I've done something awful. I've hurt you and I didn't intend to. Rosie, I won't get tired of saying sorry to you because it put our relationship into waste. I put our relationship at stake. The thing is, I'm a terrible person and I'm still fixing myself for you. I hope when we cross our paths again, we're already healed so that I may be able to ask you the question that I've been wanting to ask for too long and I'm hoping that you would say yes.
I felt my heart sank when I read the last part. It was so familiar except that her words are full of hope while mine on the other hand was full of pessimism. Oh how the tables turned.
"5 more days with me, Chae. Please, Spend 5 days with me."