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[Leo's Point Of View]
It felt like being in the movies. I imagined a camera behind me suddenly pulling back and revealing me on a cliff, ready to jump into the cold, unforgiving waves of the ocean. But there was no camera, no cliff, and no inviting sounds of the crashing waves. I stood in front of a tree with my phone in my hand, reading the text over and over.
He broke up with me.
There was a ringing in my ears. I always wondered what that meant. When I was little I heard that it meant someone was thinking about you. It made some sense. He was thinking of me, but not in a good way.
His words were printed into my mind even after I shut off my phone. Normally by now I would have been on the floor hysterically crying. But my eyes were dry. Maybe because I had already cried too much for this boy. My tears were wasted. My emotions were tired. I was tired.
Did I think this was going to happen? Yes, I did. But not since we started this trip. I truly believed that we were going to be okay. The trip was going to save us. We were supposed to spend time with each other and talk and get our feelings out. It wasn't supposed to be a redemption for me because what I did was unforgivable, but it was a step in the right direction.
That didn't matter anymore. I wanted to say he had overreacted, but what would I do in that situation? I would be angry too. It was unfortunate that he couldn't trust me, even with what had happened. I had always been a trustworthy person. He should have believed me.
I put the phone back in my pockets and walked back to Nicole's RV. She was inside, probably taking a nap with Jack. So I sat on one of the picnic tables outside and waited for one of them to come out.
Was it wrong that the one person I wanted to go to right now was my best friend? Instead of being upset at Derek, I was angry. I was trying so hard to please everyone, but that left me out. I deserved to be happy, too, right?
Me being angry was the reason I wasn't crying. The feelings were overwhelming any sadness. They were bullying the tears to not come out of hiding. Being angry did nothing good, it only turned you into a different person.
Nathan understood me. And yeah, I did see things from their perspective, but they did not see it through mine. Nathan has never liked me that way and I have never liked him that way. Why was it so hard to believe that? What we did was a mistake. Why couldn't Derek just see that? Why did he rather believe I wanted to fuck someone else? Did it calm his anxiety? Did it make him feel like he was right all along about whatever he was thinking? I could see that. But it was wrong.
I kept looking at my phone expecting a new text from Derek taking it all back, but no matter how much I hungered for it, it was not going to come. Instead I looked through my messages to find the text that Derek had seen from Nathan.
Hey, are you still coming?
From Derek's point of view I could see how that upset him. But I tried to explain that it was because his sister wanted to meet me. We had been best friends for years but never got a chance to meet his sister because she lived in India with her husband. But everyone found it easier seeing me as a villain. Everyone needs someone to blame for everything. And me cheating was all he needed. No matter what I did in the past, present and future, it would always come back. I'd always be reminded of what I did. So maybe . . . maybe it was for the best.
Yeah, trip is being cut short. Is it okay if I come early?
Of course. What happened?
I'll tell you later.
There was a backpack on the table. My backpack, with my belongings inside. He left them by our tent, which was also gone. He was really gone. And touching the cold backpack and wishing it was warmth instead was messing with my thoughts. I wanted to stay strong, wanted to stay angry, but eventually that flame was going to go out. It was only a matter of time.
"Hey, you okay?" Nicole said, popping her head out of the RV door.
"He broke up with me."
"What? Are you sure?" she jumped out and walked towards me, wearing a robe and one tit exposed.
She took my phone and read the text message. Then we were sitting on the table quiet. There was honestly nothing to say. Derek said what he wanted to say and left. It was done, it was over.
"I called an Uber," I told her.
"Where are you going?"
"Continuing my life, I guess."
She sighed. "Leo, I just want you to know that Derek does love you, so please don't do anything stupid, he might just be really upset and will probably text you again and take it back."
"No, he won't."
"Leo, Derek and I talk a lot. He trusts me more than anyone. I am his best friend, after all. And I know for a fact that that boy loves you more than you will ever know. Your relationship is not healthy, we all know that by now. But he has never wanted to leave you. He didn't leave you when you accidentally cheated, he didn't leave you when it . . . got dark for him."
"But he left me now," I muttered. "So is there really a point to all of this? All of these reminders of how I'm such a monster and made my bo- ex boyfriend kill himself?"
"Leo, don't you fucking say that. He didn't kill himself. He wasn't trying to kill himself. You know damn well he had drug problems and he took it too far because he's not a person that can deal with pain very well."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound like an asshole, I'm just still angry that it was kept away from me. I deserved to know that something like that happened."
"You did deserve to know, Derek was stupid for hiding it and forcing me to not tell you."
My body was starting to get comfortable and my thoughts were all over the place. I hated this so much and I wish things were simple. I wish that life wasn't complicated and emotions weren't so dangerous.
I laid my head on the table and forced the tears back. I refused to let them out. I was not going to cry, not now, not later, not ever. But really who am I fooling myself?
"I miss us from book one."
"What?"
"I miss how we used to be. But I guess when you're younger things are just . . . dumb. We were in love and the only things in the way of us were homophobic high school jerks who are probably bald by now."
"Why do you make it sound like I'm 40 years old?"
"Are you said Homophobic Bald High School Jerk?"
"One hundred and sixty nine percent."
"But do you get what I mean?"
"Yeah, I do. I think about those memories all the time. They were definitely simpler times, but they were happy times, fun times, like you were free, but had to be home by 10. And that's only on a Friday."
Nicole reached out and took my hand and held it. "I love you, Leo. I hope you know that."
"I love you, too."
We hugged for as long as we could till the Uber arrived. I didn't comment how her one tit rubbed against me the entire time. Mostly because it made me feel like I was being breastfed and I missed those times, too.
"I'm sorry that the trip was so short. I really was very excited to be with you again," I told Nicole as I grabbed my things, double checking that everything was inside, like my car keys, my wallet, my clothes, and a twinkie.
"Just promise me we'll see each other more, okay?"
"Yeah, I promise."
She planted a kiss on my cheek. "Enjoy the rest of your Spring Break, and text me for anything."
"I will, mom."
"Oh, they grow so fast," she cried, resting her head on Jack's chest.
Rolling my eyes, I stepped inside the Uber's car and buckled up. I held my phone in my hands the entire ride, which was almost an hour. I knew this wasn't going to be a healthy habit; waiting for a text that was surely never going to come. I couldn't feed myself false hope, that would only do bad things.
But it was hard accepting reality. Acknowledging it meant moving on, and it was too early to do that. This morning we were so happy. We were normal for once. We were together. And now? Now we weren't.
"Hello?"
I looked up, blinking. "Yes?" I said to the driver.
"We're here? You've been sitting there for a whole minute."
He was right. We were parked in front of a house and I never even noticed. I apologized and got my things, giving him five stars because I liked his hair and he didn't try to talk to me like most of them do.
I chuckled to myself as I walked up the front porch of the house. The house reminded me of what I thought all American houses looked like when I first came here. It was in a nice suburban neighborhood with a white picket fence around it. Nathan grew up here.
The grass was suspiciously too green and I didn't like it. The bright colors bothered me. And even though it was night, it still looked bright with all the lights on inside.
The porch was pretty big and seemed to go around half the house. I walked up the five steps and set my things down before I knocked. I waited nervously. I've never met Nathan's family before. I talked to them over the phone but never seen them in person. And I wasn't exactly in a right mind to meet anyone.
A blonde woman, Nathan's mother as I remembered, answered the door. "Leo? Is that you?"
"Hello, ma'am, it's nice to meet you finally."
"Oh, come here and give me a hug," Mrs. Crawford said, walking outside to greet me with open arms. I missed my mom so hugging her made me want to cry. I was not a baby, but if you can't talk to your mom about boy problems then I am sorry for you. And I had some massive boy problems. "Come in, come in. Nathan is in his bedroom upstairs."
She guided me in and I grinned as two little kids ran in front of me, chasing each other.
"Alexa if you don't chill I'm gonna chill you! We have company! Behave."
"Mom, no one even says that," said Alexa, Nathan's nine year old sister.
"Do you remember Leo?" she asked her daughter.
"Oh," Alexa said, not moving a muscle as she looked at me. She was blushing. And I think she noticed that I noticed. She ran off without another word.
"Are you hungry?" Mrs. Crawford said.
"No, thank you, I'm okay."
It was honestly so exhausting trying to be polite, all I wanted was to yell at Nathan to come downstairs and call him some 'bad' word but I couldn't do that. There were kids running around and I wanted every mom in the world to like me.
"NATHAN! CUTIE LEO IS HERE!"
Oh, but she can do it.
Wait, did she just call me cutie Leo?
"LEOOO!" Nathan yelled his way down the stairs. He attacked me in a big, too heterosexual, hug.
"St-top, you're crushing me," I wheezed.
"I just haven't seen you in forever," he said, still hugging and suffocating me.
"You literally saw me a few days ago."
"Too long, bestie."
"You won't have a bestie if you don't let me go."
He released and I took a breath of oxygen. I may have coughed for some dramatic effect, but I wouldn't be me if I didn't. The cough was mostly out of awkwardness because his mom was just standing there next to us watching with a big smile on her face.
"My sister isn't coming back till later tonight, we planned to go to the movies but my mom stayed behind to cook and take care of the kids," Nathan said.
"Why didn't you go with them?"
"Cause you said you were coming."
"Oh, right."
"Anyway, hit me up if you boys want some snacks," Mrs. Crawford said, walking back to the kitchen.
"Why is she talking like that?" I whispered.
"I have no idea. Wanna come upstairs so we can talk?"
"Yeah, that would be nice."
I followed him up the stairs and we entered his room. I don't think many things have changed with it. It looked like it belonged to a teenager. At least it wasn't embarrassing. Like pictures of girls on his walls next to some napkins and a bottle of Gatorade.
He closed the door behind us for some privacy and I sat on his bed, dropping my things next to the bed. That's when the burning sensation started up.
No. No. No. No. No.
"He–"
"–broke up with you."
"How di–"
"–because you have your things here and you ended a trip that was meant to last at least two weeks."
I looked down, avoiding his eyes. He sat next to me and wrapped an arm around me. There was a voice inside my head telling me this was wrong because the only reason everything got worse was because Nathan and I had sex. And there I was in his teenage room with his arm around me drowning in silence when I wish he would say something.
"Do you want to talk about it or just want to do something else?" he said, as if he read my mind.
"What is there to talk about that hasn't already been said?"
"You can start with what happened."
Nathan was a really good guy and I didn't want to make him feel guilty about texting me. Nothing was his fault and there was nothing but good in his heart. His intentions, no matter how mean he looked, were always innocent.
I started tracing the tattoos on his forearm with my index finger to keep myself occupied as I went back to what happened. But no matter what I thought of saying, it would just come out like I was confused.
"He just doesn't want to believe in me," I finally said. "I know I did something bad but no one wants to believe that it's not something I planned to do. I would never cheat on anyone. That is not me and it's impossible for me to do. There's so much I would have said but what would be the point if I'd get shut down and just get called a cheater?"
"I know what you mean. I mean, I don't know what you're going through but I've been having to deal with what we did in one way or another. I was the one that . . . yeah. I keep telling myself that it's my fault, I should have clearly been aware of what was happening but I didn't think."
"The worse part is that I get it. If I were in their place, I'd be thinking the same exact thing. And that makes me feel trapped, like no matter if the trip went well or not, it would always come back to slap me in the face and ruin everything. It was bound to happen."
"I hate seeing both of you like this, I really do. I think anyone who has a heart can see that you both love each other but something is wrong between you two."
"And I made it worse," I mumbled.
"Stop. It's not your fault that it happened and it's not your fault that they don't believe you."
"I still made it worse regardless if I had will or not."
He sighed, pulling back the arm he had around me, but still let me trace the tattoos. "Sometimes I think if I wasn't bisexual, it wouldn't have happened. And then it makes me think, if you were super ugly it wouldn't have happened either."
"Moral of the story? Leo is too attractive to not want to fuck," I said in a serious but sarcastic tone. "At this point I'm gonna make a replica of my ass and just fuck myself."
"Uh. Maybe that came out wrong..."
"I just . . . I want to say so many things to everyone, but I'm holding it all back because I'm scared. It's eating me up and now that Derek is gone, I can't say anything to him. I'm not going to text him, let's be real for a second. Even though he broke up with me through a text, I respect him and want him to be happy. BUT WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT ABOUT ME?!"
Me screaming made Nathan fall back with eyes wide open in surprise.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scream. Just bottled up anger."
"Let it out, man. Let it the fuck out. FUCK. Fucking fuck fuck."
For the first time in a while, I sincerely laughed. "How about no?"
"Well, I know you have things you want to say to me, so go ahead. Say the meanest things you've always wanted to say to me. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. Just . . . let it out."
I turned to face him, crossed legged on the bed, and squinted my eyes at him. He did the same and faced me, eying me like we were having some type of competition.
"I wish we didn't have sex."
"Okay, what else."
"I know you didn't go all the way in but you still came and that makes me really uncomfortable."
He choked on air and had to cough like ten times before he was breathing normally.
"Jesus, okay, what else? Go on."
"I love you and I don't want to lose you. But if I had to save Derek or you it would be Derek."
"That's fair."
"I've always had a feeling you were attracted to me and wanted to fuck me."
"Am I allowed to comment?"
"No."
He pressed his lips shut and motioned for me to continue.
"Your house is nice and I envy that you didn't have to fall in love with your step brother." He gave me a thumbs up and I was trying to stay serious because this actually made me feel good. But every facial expression he made just made me want to holler like some dying whale.
"I don't have any step siblings, so you don't know that."
"I want to blame you for what happened but I know it wasn't your fault."
"I'm sorry."
"Stop, don't say that," my voice broke mid sentence. It was coming. "Don't . . . Don't say that."
He hugged me as the first tear ran down my face.
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[Author's Message]: Oh, boy. I hope I don't get any hate for this chapter lol. If anyone is upset, don't worry, without spoiling anything, the story isn't close to being done, so there's still a lot of time for ANYTHING to happen. AND A LOT WILL HAPPEN. THINGS THAT MAY MAKE YOU ANGRY, OR THINGS THAT MAY MAKE YOU HAPPY. OR THINGS THAT WILL MAKE YOU UNFOLLOW AND BLOCK ME <3 Also P.S. I was totes upset that no one noticed Jesse and Priscella from College Life appeared in the last chapter :( Oh, well. Anyway, I really hope you guys don't stop reading because they broke up. I want you guys to know this is a serious story to me and I wanted these characters to experience more of the world in this book. So don't worry about if they get back together or not. Enjoy the story, enjoy everything that happens, ENJOY their lives. The roadtrip doesn't end here <3
Comment your thoughts so far! LET'S DISCUSS. Oh, and I don't know if I said this already, but Nathan is played by Machine Gun Kelly lol...