Its hard to let go.
There will come a time in your life where you hit a certain point of total knock out. When all you want to do is to stand up and continue fighting but the odds are definitely against you and you have no other choice but to stay down, atleast for a while.
Letting go is something none of us is good at. It means that you have to change a certain routine, try to forget about a certain face, to move on from a certain feeling and to accept what is meant to be gone.
This is what im going to tell you. The specific second you realize that you are hanging by a thread, let go. It shouldnt make you feel that way at the first place.
Keep moving forward, and if its meant to be it will catch up. - M.
"Its all my fault."
I said while sipping from my favorite salted caramel mocha. If you can see, im not drinking any black coffee or any of that bitter stuff today, I dont feel like being dark tho. I just need a fresh start from everything. Maybe just one cold and sweet drink is all I need. Still, coffee based ofcourse.
"Dont torture yourself, its not your fault you werent ready when she was." As my bestfriend sat comfortable from the leather couch infront of me.
"Im such a mess. She's already with someone else now. With that Solenn." Her name tasted bitter on my mouth when I almost spit it out.
"Someone's a little jealous." She said as she was holding a newspaper with two hands. She smirked at my indescribable facial reaction as I illustrated my soul breaking regrets.
"I am. I mean, who wouldnt right? I just let a beautiful woman slip through my fingers when she offered herself to me. No offense, your gourgeous too. I mean, you get the point." I said to Bianca and she nodded in agreement while waving her hand.
"No offense taken." She said as she sipped from her signatured hot chocolate.
"What should I do? Should I just let her go? Or should I run after her?" I asked Bianca with my face looking worried.
"I think you should give it time." She said while she put her newspaper down.
"Time? Well its obviously not my friend right now. Frankly, I think im running out of it. She might fall deeper to that Solenn." I said with another bitter faced expression as I said her name.
"Solenn is a good catch. But you know you should think this through first, right? What do you think you'll do when you see her? Confess your deepest darkest secret? And then what? You'd just end up like the first time she confessed her love for you, she'd freak out too." She said with her eye brow raised. That made me shut up. Okay, you won.
"Speaking of solenn, whats the real story between you two? You never mentioned her to me before." I said looking really interested.
"I dont want to talk about it." Bianca said that sounded a little harsher.
"What gives? Who is she anyway to you? Why dont you want to talk about it?" As I asked again hard headedly.
"Because she's beautiful and smart, she's rich but very humble, she's funny and sweet. She's always understanding. I dont want to describe that she's perfect because I know i'll hurt you and thats the last thing I want to do to you." She said feeling a little caught up as she gasp for air. Oh boy, this is what I get for edging her.
For the first time, I closed my mouth. I just stared at her reaction. At some point, I know I needed to find out why. "What happened, B?"
She took a deep breath, I saw how she inhaled deeply and exhaled calmly. She took a good look at me, but I was really determined to know why. She didnt had any choice because she knows I wont take no for an answer knowing how she felt towards the situation. Well will you look at that, I guess im not the only one who's uncomfortable with the whole Glaiza-Solenn situation.
"It started out roughly 7 years ago."
Bianca said as she tried to compose herself, then sat with great posture looking like the model she is.
She tried to shut her eyes hardly as if she was remembering all that has happened from that day. As she opened it, I stared at her chestnut brown eyes. It was really beautiful that got her career sky high at the first place. No wonder women fall for her just by looking directly to those beauties. But it was her most price possession that also betrayed her.
Because it wasn't hearts that I felt, it was something that's beyond my imagination to see from her eyes.
I saw pain.
"You can tell me anything, okay?"
I said as I held her hand, wanting her to make her feel comfortable. Well who else can she be leaning on? Her bestfriend, ofcourse.
She frowned as she recalled scenarios in her mind. She inhaled heavily and started talking.
"We were both young and innocent. I met her when we were kids and we instantly heated off and became bestfriends. Sh-" I raised my finger as I interrupted her narration.
"Wait, you mean you were bestfriends with her first?" I said with a very curious face. "Woah. So you have a thing for bestfriends? Ha! You naughty son of a b-..." I teased her and laughed hard but eventually it became awkward as she looked at me with a poker face. Great! What a sense of humor Rhian, noooot.
"You done?" She smirked. Trying to hide a smile at my hopeless humor.
"Aaarr.. Sorry." As I raised my two fingers trying to make peace. I lowered my head and gave an apologetic smile.
"Fast forward?" She asked and I nodded immediately.
"Okay. So I started modelling when I was young. It required me alot of time at work and because of that I barely see her. So I wanted her to come with me during my working days thats why I convinced my manager and director to take her too. With her features and pretty face, it wasnt hard for me to convinced them. Yadayadayada.
I tried so hard to hide my feelings for her because it was wrong at all angles. I mean loving your bestfriend would be suicide, right?" She asked and stopped as if she was waiting for my answer.
"Uh-..Uh-huh." I answered awkwardly. Dang this woman got back at me easily.
She laughed and slapped my shoulders. "Ha! If only you can just see your face." Then I stared at her with a straight face.
"Moving on,
Tho she had her fair share of lovers, I was head over hills for her. I know she knew that but it didnt bothered her. She always tells me she loved me infront of everybody but I guess she couldnt pursue me either. She told me to wait for her on some lame reason of whatever. I got tired of waiting and felt like an idiot watching her being with someone else for 4 years.
Do you know how hard it is to watch someone you love, love someone else?" She looked at me seriously and I honestly felt there was a hidden message on that. Her eyes were starting to get watery but she immediately shifted her attention to no where and tried to relax herself.
She tried to continue but this time she was already calm. "So before I die of martyrdome, I had to do what I had to do. I ignored her, betrayed her with her own women and abandoned her." She said as she gasp for air because of her fast and heartfelt narration.
"Heartless at its finest." I said as I looked at her seriously. I couldnt blame her, she had gone through a situation where I could never bare the pain of waiting for nothing.
She didnt answered and just stared blankly at at no where. So I continued, "You try so hard to find the happiness from other people what the person you love cant give to you. Thats why you ended up being heartless."
"People make bad decisions when they're hurt. Pain makes people change, Rhian." She said with such regret in her eyes. I know she didnt want to be this type of person, but unfortunantely life gives you shit that will destroy you and its up to you if you're gonna stay down or atleast try to fight.
"I understand you now." I said while I tried to smile a little to cheer her up.
"Every heart breaker has its miserably sad story. Well, It doesnt excuse them from their wrong doings but, atleast try to find out who broke them first." She said with a very meaningful thought that made me admire her more.
The silence was deafening, well atleast for a minute. It made me sink in every dickness she had been ever since we met. There was actually a reason why Bianca has always been like that. Well, now we know.
"So she's your TOTGA?" As I interrupted her thoughts of nothing while looking out in the open.
"What do you mean? Whats TOTGA?" She said with a very questionable face.
"The One That Got Away." I smiled as I said those goosebumping words.
"Bruuuh." She said as she put her fist infront of me that meant that I earned a fist bump from my new made up words. She smiled looking like a kid.
"So she is, right?" I said as I sipped from my cold refreshing drink.
"Yes, Rhian. She's my TOTGA. My ultimate what if." She said that made her chestnut eyes blaze with excitement then regret.
She became silent again, but on the looks on her face it seemed like she was having a flashback and it hurts to look at those eyes. Regrets are one of the most powerful force that you dont want to be messing up with. Sometimes it takes days until you can shake it off, but other times it takes years, decades or worse it doest leave you until it eats you up. Regrets is always your choice. Its up to you if you'd coward up and that means the answer will always be NO or you can take a chance and find out that maybe the final anwer would be YES.
"Can I ask you a question?" As she finally spoke after her long silence of her own thoughts.
"Yeah! Go! Fire it up!" Okay, I got carried away.
She smiled and tried to continue with her question "Do you have your TOTGA, R?" She said with her eye brow slightly going up looking like she wanted me to answer honestly.
"No. Not yet, maybe? And im not planning anytime soon." I said as I frowned imagining a gorgeous woman who can sing beautifully and melt my heart with her songs.
"Speaking of, how is Glaiza by the way? Do you still see her?" She said looking concern.
With the mention of her name, my heart pounded intensely and my legs seemed to shake a little but the thought of the woman who seemed to embrace Glaiza freely made my eyebrows closer. "I dont know. She's probably busy with that Solenn. Pfff." Gosh, her name tastes really bitter at my mouth.
"C'mon. You can do better than that." She said while sipping from her green tea. Have I mentioned she ordered another round of drink? Well, she did. Tea pretty much calms her. Okay? Okay.
"What? As if I could do anything about it anymore. She's starting to get over me. Why would I stop her? Knowing that she's already... She's happy." I said as my eyes went down and scratch the tip of my shirt. The thought made me sad instantly.
"How can you say she's happy?" Bianca arched and eyebrow.
"Because, duh. Bianca. Please? Dont let me mention her, i'll just get hurt and get old by myself and die with 10 cats." I said that made her laugh at my weird humor. I wasnt making her laugh tho, I was serious. Or am I?
"I want you to tell me straight why do you think that Glaiza is happy? Now, Rhian." She said with a little scolding tone. Geez. Dont be harsh on my heart, B.
"Because she's with someone who isnt afraid to tell the world that she's a lesbian. Someone who is proud to have a woman like Glaiza in her life, someone who takes pride knowing that she's hers. And I didnt do that, I couldnt. because I was afraid. And still am." I said with huge fraustration on my previous actions.
"That's your insecurities, Rhian. I understand. But do you think she's happy?" Bianca keeps on asking the same question. What does she mean?
"Yes. She's with Solenn." I said her name, that broke my heart into a thousand pieces of shreded paper.
At my most vulnerable moment, she gave me the most Sly smile. Can you believe her?
"What is that Sly smile of yours? Do you know something I dont know?" I said with a very confused face.
"She's not dating Solenn. Not yet, I guess." As she uttered those perfect sentence, my eyes twinkled and was hungry for more information.
"What the hell? Wait, what do you ..uh-? Can you please explain?" I said hurriedly feeling excited for more.
She gave me a mischievous smile then she started talking
"Glaiza and Solenn met at Rue Burboun about a month ago, when you heartlessly ran away from her and --." She stopped as I interrupted her as I raised my hand.
"Heeeeey. Please dont be mean." I said as my eye brows almost touched and had a very guilty look. I deserve that, I guess.
She didnt mind me, so she continued her story "And because of that she was devastated. She was crazy drunk and accidentally dodge to Solenn. From that moment, their eyes met and Solenn instantly fell for G."
"More?" She said smiling teasingly.
"Whatever." I rolled my eyes and waved for her to continue.
"They started hanging out after that and got really close instantly. Whatever I dont care." She said with a little harsh tone.
"Someone's a little jealous. Ha!" I smirked and teased her. Right back at you, Bro.
"Shut up. I'll tell you everything, okay? Listen." She said as she narrated her story and felt like we were both on her mind and the flash back started.
*Flashback*
"On a very beautiful afternoon while me and the girls were happily drinking our usual frap. Glaiza told us that she needs one extra chair for a friend that'll tag along with us. I really thought she was referring to you, but with my whole freaking surprise a woman was standing infront of me wearing a dress and smelled like Victoria Secret's Heavenly Luxe Eau de Parfum. That scent was too familiar and saw Solenn smiling mischievously at me."
"Fancy seeing you here, its been a while Bianca." She said giving me a small smirk. Geez. She gave me goosebumps with her little evil smile.
"What are you doing here Solenn?" I said rudely.
"Wait, you guys know each other?" Jas said looking surprise.
"Is that how you treat your ex lover?" While facing me giving me a smile with no guilt.
"Ex?! What in the w--? She's your ex, Bianca? How come we never heard of her?" Nikki asked with a high pinched tone feeling a little torn up with the situation.
"We go way back, honey." She said to Nikki as she winked teasingly.
"Its Bianca we're talking about. You know how she is with the ladies." As Joanne interrupted and wiggled her eye brows playfully.
"Yes, that's Bianca alright. The heartbreaker." Solenn said that offended me a little. I mean, yes thats true and I didnt care when people tell me that but when Solenn was the one who said it, it irritated me alot. And I mean, a lot.
"She's not my ex." I said while facing our friends then I got my gaze back to Solenn and said "You made sure of that when you made me wait for nothing."
"Okay. Then we were Bestfriends slash Mutual Misunderstanding." She said that made my grip even tighter. She's making a fool out of me infront of our other friends.
"Solenn already told me everything, Bianca." As Glaiza finally spoke and guided Solenn on her seat before any fire might occur anytime now.
"There's always two sides of the story, G. Goodluck with your new girlfriend." I said while looking back at my book and pretended that it didnt pinched me a little as I uttered those words.
"But she's not my girlfriend. She just a f--.." Glaiza said as she was interrupted by Solenn.
"I already told you, babe. Im willing to wait. Just dont describe me as your friend because you know I want more than that. Okay?" Glaiza couldnt hurt her thats why she didnt said anything but instead she smiled and just nodded her head.
When Solenn said that, it made me held hard on my book and scratched a piece off. It surprised me and some of the girls beside me. Luckily, Solenn and Glaiza was too busy talking about others stuff that they didnt saw what I did.
"Hey, you okay B? That book is innocent. Its not the one who broke you." As Jas whispered to my ear, careful not to be heard by anyone. Knowing Jas, im sensing she already knew why I acted weird that time. She pat my back and gave me a I-know-everything-and-its-okay-look. After that, I was calm and pretended nothing happened throughout the day.
*End of Flashback*
"I dont like her." I said immediately as Bianca ended her flashback.
"Dont get carried away. She's just like that when it comes to me. But, she's really a nice person. Maybe she just forgets when she sees me." She said giving me a comfy smile. Bianca is too soft for this woman.
"Then that means, I still have a fighting chance." I said while I stood up from the chair and raised my hand on my forehead and looked like I was saluting.
"Yes, ofcourse. What are you thinking?" She gave me an encouraging smile.
"If Glaiza is still not giving Solenn a chance, then that means she's still on the process of moving on. That means she still has a little love for me right?" I said with excitement on my voice on how im starting to figure things out.
"Oh! I like where this is coming! What's the game plan?" She said excitedly while clapping her hands.
"You and me are going to kidnap her!" I said with pure conviction on my voice.
"What the hell are you talking about?" She laughed hard that can be heard through out the coffee shop. We didnt cared, really.
"When we finally capture my Glaiza, I will tie her in a chair and I will make her remember her love for me. As for Solenn, I will put her on a cage and lock her inside until she gets all that pretty perfect face off." I said dramatically.
"Uh-uh uhh... Rrhi? Rhian shh.." Bianca said as she interrupted me looking really weird with her surprised reaction pointing at my back.
"Shut up, Bianca. Im making the best criminal plan to capture my Queen." I said and ignored her weird reaction. What wrong with that woman?
I continued my weird stage play script "And for the finale! I will make her drink a magical potion to make her forget the pain I caused her. So I could kiss her and tell her I LOVE H--.."
"What are you gonna do to me again?" As a woman tapped my back and made me look to the direction of the female voice. My eyes opened wide, and my jaw fell somewhere in the floor as I looked at the woman infront of me who's arm was held by Solenn.
"G-GLAIZA?"
I whispered to myself and made me want the floor to open and just eat me already.
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