Chapter Sixty-Five
Montrose Scotland, January 2021
The quiet of Ella's flat weighed on her, grey light filtering through the snowy curtains she had hung so proudly. Curled up on her white couch, feet tucked under her, she waited.
Earlier than expected, a knock sounded at the door. Moving carefully, as if the air itself was fragile, she moved to open it.
"Ella." His voice was so achingly familiar. "Please, I just want to talk."
"Jonathan, I – this isn't really a good time." Her voice came out small, eyes to the floor.
"I'm sorry about before, I was scared." He paused, kind eyes looking her over. She looked exhausted. "Are you scared?"
"Of course." She said bitterly. "You just shut down on me, let me leave."
Still standing just outside the flat, Jonathan pleaded with her. "I don't want to be that guy. I want to be there for you, support you. Anyway I can."
"Then you can go, because there's nothing to worry about."
"What – what do you mean?"
Ella hesitated only slightly. "I'm getting abortion." She glanced at the clock on the wall. "In two hours."
"Oh." Jonathan looked as if he'd just been hit over the head. "Do you – I don't know – need anything?"
"My aunt will be here soon, she's taking me."
"Not your Mum?"
"No." Ella shook her head. "She...no."
"Have you told her?"
Ella's stomach cramped guiltily. "Listen John, I don't really have time to chat."
He looked wounded by her words. "Could I come over later, or – to the clinic?"
"You'd come to the clinic?" asked Ella, shocked. She had meant to say something hurtful or sarcastic, but she was just so surprised.
"This is my mistake, too. There's no reason you should be alone, not after I was such an dick." He grabbed her hand. "I'll be there, and pay half the cost."
Ella was so grateful she began to cry, and Jonathan wrapped her in his arms. He was warm and comforting and safe; for the first time since finding out, Ella felt okay. When Sonia arrived an hour later she found the two on the couch, holding hands rather platonically.
Sonia got Ella's coat from the hook, looking her niece over. She looked waxy with exhaustion. "You ready?"
Glancing at Jonathan, Ella nodded. "I'm ready."
Jonathan held her hand as they got into Sonia's rental car, then for the whole drive and into the clinic. The space was clean and sparse, practically empty besides the receptionist. "Ella Bowen?" she asked cheerily. "You're our last patient today, you won't have to wait long."
They sat on cold metal chairs as Ella filled out her paperwork, Sonia keeping one hand on her arm. Jonathan looked as if her were grieving. Before they all knew it, Ella's name was being called.
"You'll be fine." Sonia said quietly, kissing her forehead. "We'll be right here when you're done."
Nodding, she stood up and took a deep breath.
"Hey," Jonathan stood with her, squeezing her hand. "I'm proud of you."
Ella blinked tears away. "You're okay with this?"
He nodded. "I want what's best for you." He gave her a hug before she went in.
"You don't want this, do you?" asked Sonia softly, watching his hands turn to fists.
"No." he choked the words out. "I've been thinking about it for the past four days, and I thought...I thought I could convince her to make it work. I didn't think she'd have already made this big a decision."
Sonia was shocked. "Why didn't you try to change her mind?"
"Because I don't want to hold her back." Jonathan looked up, through the door Ella had left through. "She deserves more."
"Last chance," the doctor said, raising his salt and pepper eyebrows at her. "There's still time to change your mind."
Ella shook her head. "I'm sure."
Whatever drugs they gave her worked fast. Soon, she was lost in a hazy dream. She was in her white flat, except all the furniture was gone. In the centre of the room a teenage boy sat, and he glanced up as she stepped through the doorway.
"Hey." He said, flashing her a smile.
Ella sat nervously beside him, noticing his features were only a few years younger than her own. "Hi."
He was wearing a black cardigan with a Hufflepuff badge on it. "I know you feel guilty," his voice sounded like Jonathan's must have at the same age. "But you don't have to."
"Aren't you angry with me?" she asked.
"Why would I be?" His voice was easy going, smile forgiving. "You're not ready to be my Mamma."
"I'm sorry," Ella felt the words tear at her throat. "I wanted to be, but – but I can't. I don't even know if I want to stay with John forever."
"Don't worry about it," he stood up and offered her a helping hand getting up, not letting go. "We'll meet again soon enough."
"We will?"
"Yeah, you'll find the right one, the right time." His long fingers squeezed her hand, like Jonathan had before she went in.
"How will I know when I'm ready?"
"You'll know." Tilting his head to one side, he nodded knowingly. "Hey, time to go back. See you later –" he grinned. "Mamma."
It was dark when Ella got home, snuggling down into her comforter. Jonathan lay beside her, providing warmth and a reassuring embrace. Sonia had left, promising to be back the next day when Jonathan had to go to work. Ella had taken a few days off, for "personal surgery".
In the mild darkness, Ella pulled away from Jonathan. "You awake?"
"Hm." His eyes fluttered open. "Need something?" He moved to get up, his feet already on the floor, but Ella grabbed his hand.
"John, no. I – I want to break up." The last words where whispered.
Turning back around slowly. "Is there anything I can say to change your mind?"
"I need time." She explained. "All of this – it's a lot. I think space is the best thing, but I don't want to loose you."
"I don't want to loose you either, and I see where you're coming from." Jonathan smiled sadly, taking her hand and playing with her fingers. He'd always said her hands were better suited for being a seeker. "Can I stay tonight, until your Aunt comes back? I don't want you here alone."
Nodding, Ella let him hold her. In the haze of sleep, they both knew they wouldn't get back together. Not for lack of trying, or spark – there was just something missing. Maybe it was Jonathan not "dealing" right away, or that Ella had not asked his opinion about the abortion. Possibly, Jonathan knew he would never be able to live with Ella and not tell her he had decided he wanted to be a father.
There was still love there; they still cared for each other. In the years to come, friendship would bloom. When Ella had that baby boy she had dreamt of, Jonathan would visit her, holding a bouquet of white roses.
"We made the right decision," he would say, smiling at the chubby infant sleeping in her arms.
Ella would smile and nod. "I know."
It would be a while, but Ella would meet that teenage boy. One day, when she was ready, they would be very good friends.
A/N: What a doozy.
Question: So, Ella went through with her abortion. Do you think Jonathan's sudden commitment would have swayed her? What about her dream?
I am really on a roll, my goodness. Maybe the end is closer than originally anticipated.
Rose