HANIA
"Are you sure Hamza?" I asked him, while he was wearing his shoes.
"Of course I promised you yesterday..."he lifted his gaze to see why I suddenly refused to go.
"I was just joking..we don't have to go now...we can go later may be??" I'm denying this because of his cold.
"C'mon Hania, I'm perfectly fine..."He smiled at me,i can't decide anything currently.
Knowing my hesitation he walked in front of me, clearly leaving me no choice of denying his offer.
We both are going for a walk after lunch, to the lake.
"It's just 15 minutes from this side.." he showed me the way.
I saw wild flowers on the side ways of the road and i really like them, I took so many pictures of them and some with them.
"If you do this everytime it'll take 30 minutes... Hania!" He sighed.
I gave him a death stare,he clicked few pictures of me,"Hamza, don't!!! I'll look werid..." He laughed at me.
"No, you look good..."he showed me the picture of him and me.
He knows how to shut me up.."Are you not going to give up?" I questioned.
"Definitely not..."he smiled.
Don't you think your smiling too much Hamza???
I offered him some of my chocolate,"why your chocolates is bitter?" He asked.
"Because it's a dark chocolate for a reason Hamza...." I answered.
"Why dark chocolate though?" I know where he is going with that.
"It's helps to fight depression and improves mental health..." I admitted and Hamza hummed at that.
He didn't ask me anything thankfully, we reached the lake and the water is freezing cold.
I made a wrong choice this time...
"I wish it's night we can see the glow worms... and the stars..." I'm enjoying the view.
I don't know why such places makes me happy.... like it's a different side of the world which gives you hope, peace and strength to live.. which was destroyed by the other side of the world.
"Wild animals come here for water at night..."He informed standing beside me.
"Why there are no boats over here?"
"They are on the other side" he pointed far from here.
I sat on a rock dipping my feet in the cool water,and I turned to the side and saw white Lotus in the lake.
WHITE LOTUS!!!
Ohh my god i love them...and i Saw them and now I can't wait to have them.
I was seconds away from standing in the water,so i could walk as fast as I can and pluck few of them.
I think he saw me looking at those "Don't dare Hania! there are snakes inside.." he warned.
I was so angry at him and sat back because the water is too cold and on top of that i don't know how to swim,so i didn't take the chance.
Why?? I should have learnt swimming along back... although it's never late to start..i should ask papa to teach after going home.
He stood from his place, removed his shoes and "What are you doing Hamza??" I asked but he didn't answer me,and just folded his jeans above his ankles.
And he got into the water and walked towards the flowers and a plucked a few flowers "Careful" I shouted.
I'm in a delusion that he saw the sadness on my face.
I smiled looking at him, walking towards me with a bunch of flowers in his hands looking at me.
Forgot the butterflies,there is a whole zoo in my stomach.
"Here you go.." he said giving me the flowers, but he doesn't loose his hold.
I looked at him timidly he's eyes locked on mine,A shadow of smirk appeared on his face and disappeared in fraction of seconds.
And he just splashed some water with his hand suddenly.
I jerked back as soon as the freezing water touched my face..I looked at him shocked "you didn't do that..!!!" I gasped.
The icy shiver ran down my body freezing all the nerves in body making my brain go numb...i was in disbelief.
He smiled at me probably the most beautiful smile I've ever seen, but i know it's a trick.."I'm doing it again..." He just splashed again at me.
"HAMZA STOP!!!" The water is too cold it's getting difficult for me to breathe.
"Nope" he is laughing now, seriously it's too much for me now.
"Stop otherwise I'll push you..." I warned,but not willing to do it.
"You'll not" he smiled,i didn't like a bit of it and i just pushed him back,and before he actually fell into the water I holded his hand.
"Don't provoke me" now he is the one shocked, something crossed across his face.
And he shook his head slightly, and sat beside me.
He handed me the flowers,and they are so beautiful,i was so busy touching the petals and the feathery touch made me smile.Asusal he clicked some more pictures of me.
"My mom used to love white Lotus..."He talked breaking the silence with the topic i never imagined him to say so casually..and he showed me the picture of baby Hamza with his mom.
She is very beautiful, like she can make everyone jealous with her big eyes, silky hair,but her smile which matches with Hamza.
But this woman left her child and betrayed his husband and destroyed so many lives.. maybe it's true that all beautiful people are not beautiful from within.
No it's not your place to judge her Hania"You both have the same smile." I informed him observing the picture closely.
And he showed me the baby pictures of him,in his mom's hands, sticking out his tongue, smiling for the camera.
No way...that cute baby is the same grumpy man beside me...
"You look cute in that...",he blushed a little "Now?" He asked his eyes lit up with sudden excitement.
"Opposite of that..." I didn't even hesitate,the biggest lie i ever told.
"When will you be impressed by me??" He inquired seriously.
"I've to think about it "
He sighed and "i think it'll take my whole life..." He muttered to himself.
I smiled at his stupid thoughts... because he don't need to.. I'm already far away from just being impressed.
We are walking back,and saw a stall selling boiled corn,we both ate that.
It was just 5 minutes distance back and it started raining heavily.
We both sat in a bus stop, but it's pouring heavily than before.
And the best part was i didn't brought a umbrella because for some reason Hamza hates it.
And i can't stand with his cranky face and his stupid remarks.
We both got wet and we found a bus stop and sat there it's cold and i didn't even wore a sweater cause it was sunny when we got out.
I don't have any choice,i removed my dupatta around head, squeezed the extra water and covered my hair with it normally.
Now we both lost the signal completely in our phones,we can't even call Jemima aunty to bring us a umbrella.
And heard loud thunder at distance,Hamza stilled beside me,my head snapped at his direction.
He has Astraphobia
I looked at him,he quickly shut his eyes tightly, covered his ears with hands and bowed his head.
He hates thunders,he fears them,i got to know about it after the library incident, but he still doesn't talk about it, after asking thousand times i gave up.
He fisted the end of my dupatta tightly as if he is holding my hand,my heart melted at that.
"Take a deep breath Hamza.. everything will be fine..."He looked and laughed mockingly " it'll never be alright Hanu, because that's how I'm baby... not worthy of any good thing in this life...." A sad smile painted his face.
I ignored the baby part because, seriously he is not in a condition that I can point it out.
"Don't ever think about yourself like that Hamza.. you are more worthy than you ever think...we don't need someone's words to know our worth.." i wish I can insert this in his mind so he can never doubt himself.
He shook his head slightly"You have some many good things Hamza.. family, friends your job...so many things you can be happy about " i said, carefully arranging my words, because that's how I can deal with Hamza right now.
One wrong word or sentence...he will be heart broken..and he's already on the verge of a break down.
He looked at me and i immediately turned my gaze to the other side,the only thing that scares me apart from his temper is his eyes.
They are cold lifeless most of the time... but sometimes they can turn too intense that I can't even meet his eyes.
"Yeah I have everything Hania family friends.. I'm not complaining...there are so many things you want but can't have.. like a peaceful sleep.. happiness.. someone where you can be yourself around them..." His voice is shaking and raw from all the emotions.
"Don't worry... inshallah you deserve all the happiness in the world,and you deserve someone better, some as intelligent and understanding as you.." i tried to comfort him.
And again he looked at me this time I can't look away "Main tumhein deserve karta hu??" Omg what??
My eyes widened at that and tears brimmed in my eyes and instantly I hear my own heart beat, like it can jump out of my chest anytime.
I swallowed the lump in my throat "you deserve someone who is kind understanding.." i fisted my hands tightly.
He clicked his tongue "Kya Main tumhein deserve karta hu Hania??" He is not even blinking.
Unknown emotions stirring in me,how can he can ask such things so casually... I don't have a answer right know... not in this life time..all I can do is to stay silent.
"Answer me Hanu..if you stay silent I'll take it as No..." Ya Allah duniya ke itne sare log mai se mai he kyu milti hoon aise situations ke liye??
"Hamza tum jante bhi ho tum kya puch rahe ho??" God I really wish that a thunder strike again to distract him.
And it did but it's no longer affecting him "Agar mai tumhein deserve nahi karta na...toh main kisiko bhi deserve nahi karta-" his he serious?
"Agar Aisa hona likha hoga toh hoga mai kon hoti hoon kuch bolne ke liye...ye sab Allah ki Marzi hai..." I cut him off.
His eyebrows rose at my sudden reaction "Theek hai..Mere liye dua karna ke woh jaldse jald mere hojaye..and i was just joking..." He smiled.
What???
"You know her Hamza??" He blushed at her mention.
He nodded slightly"Not much as she knows me...You can say it's more like a crush.." he can't stop his smile.
"Toh tum kab bata rahe ho use??" I asked excitedly clapping my hands.
Atleast one of us has to be happy...how long I can held him back with my prayers??
"Meri maa mai idhar crush ki baat kar Raha hoon aur tum proposal pe chali gayi ho??" I made a face at him.
"Achha ye baato Mai thumein kahe se bhi ek achhe insan ke tarah lagta hoon jiska khud ki family hoon,Ghar ho... like a perfect family man??" And I hate it most about him.
Whenever I think we have a chance..he kills my hope with his bare hands.
"It's not necessary to look what we are from inside..look at Shahzain no can doubt him looking at his innocent face..." This conversation is not going anywhere and it's no use to argue with him.. such people don't change.
I swear I'm dying little bit everyday..but still I'm covering it with a smile.
"Aree..my Hania is so smart.." firstly i shouldn't have stepped out with him in the first place.
Can't even call him a narcissist because he don't even like himself.... how can I expect him to like me???
"Tell me How Islam started in your life??" He checked his phone for signal, but we've no luck.
"It's quite a long story, you won't understand it.." his irritating me know.
"We've lot of time...and I was always wanted to know about that.."He answered fixing his watch.
"Why?" He has no right to be curious about me,"you are my friend..kya pata hai tumse inspire hoke main bhi sahi raste pe chalu??"he shrugged.
I sighed there is know use of denying him.."Lockdown started when I was 14 and i finished my class 10th at that time...it was the longest time i spent at home with my parents...all i remember from my childhood is that going to school coming back and attending tution that's it" he was carefully listening to me.
"As you know i had no friends at that time...I had nothing to do actually,i started praying one day randomly and it became a habit... that's it"i summoned my 3 years struggle in 2 minutes.
"So where is the main part Hanu??" He smirked with amusement glinting in his eyes.
"What main part Hamza??" I asked as if I don't know anything.
"The one you are hiding from me?" He looked at me matching my glare.
"If you I'm hiding something..then why can't you know what I'm hiding?" I played along.
"We all know that you secured a full scholarship in The Deccan Medical college...no need to show off your intelligence here..." I just gasped,how dare he to taunt me??
"Tum kuch jayada nahi bol rahe ho Aaj kal??" I glared at him, imagining I'm throwing a bucket of ice water at him.
He rolled his eyes" Now don't distract... continue" he said inspecting his shoes.
I wish that they will get dirty.. he's extra irritating today...
"Obviously being alone resulted in giving me anxiety, depression...and somehow I finished my boards difficulty.. just studying in 2 months.."
"How many you scored??" He raised his brows.
"90% in my 12th.."
"What would have happened if you have studied the whole year..." He laughed.
If it's not raining i would've walked away immediately.
"I gave neet,took a drop and another attempt didn't get a good college both the time... that took a toll on my mental and physical health...i getting sick often..I use to cry whole without any reason." The whole three years are reeling infront of me.
"The anger issues, breaking stuff, screaming at everyone, panic attacks, nightmares....i thought death would be easy than bearing all this.." A tear rolled down my left cheek.
I deliberately ignored the part where I tried to harm my self... because i would never be able to open up with anyone.. not even with Hamza.
"Seeing my condition took me to my family doctor..he recommended to a psychiatrist.. but I refused..he prescribed some pills for my anxiety... that's the story..and honestly I'm fed up from having the pills from past 3 years" i complained,and he shook his head smiling.
"Hamza let's go it's getting dark" it's getting so cold,he stood and both of us started.
Although it's still drizzling we are walking back.
"How long do you know her?" I asked him,and i honestly don't know why I asked.
The embarassment I'm feeling i wish I could hide somewhere..
He looked at me grinning "15 months" and i felt a pang in my chest, it's one month before we actually met.
That means i liked him, while he was actually loving someone else...how stupid I can be??
But I feel something with him.. this can't be my imagination..i feel something.