HANIA
It's been successfully three weeks of me keeping distance between me and Hamza.
Not that I'm totally ignoring him, but avoiding all possibilities of me and him hanging out alone after college hours.
I'm doing this not because i hate him, because....I like him,there is some sort of pull between us.
And it was obvious the way he looks at me,And me telling him the things, I've never shared with anyone makes me anxious.
I can't trust someone easily, like I'm trusting Hamza,I too don't understand why I'm too comfortable with him.
We've exams in next month,so it's easy to avoid him,he too seemed lost,i didn't even ask him that, what's wrong. We have already blurred so many lines between us.
I think he too is trying to maintain distance between us....
Zain and Anvi asked me so many times, that did we fight, but everytime I denied them,by saying we are okay.
But in reality I'm trying to be okay, I don't want to lose his friendship, because of this strange attraction.
I truly enjoy his company....
Thank God,he didn't ask any questions, feels like he sensed why I'm avoiding him.
I also stopped going to the library regularly, i rarely visit it now a days.
I told Sohail uncle that I'm just busy preparing for my exams.
Like after 6 days I'm visiting it again, because i need to finish this topic today, I don't feel like studying in my room.
I got in quickly collected all the books I need and started studying and i felt the intense gaze on me.
I don't need to know who he is, but what he is doing in here?.
I didn't turn to see him, rather I continued to study like I can't feel his presence.
Someone pulled a chair infornt of me,the screeching noise made me look who it is.
And a grinning Rahul is sitting infront of me.
God kill me right now, why I'm having such a bad day....
I can't even just walk away,it just so rude..., And i don't want to give the ideas of break-up rumours to people looking at us.
"Hii Hania",he smiled at me,i felt spiders crawling on my skin, it's not about the smile but it's about how he looks at me.
It's just makes me uncomfortable.
I muttered a hello but didn't return the smile.
"So, you are studying biochem??" He drummed his fingers on the table.
"Yeah" can't he see the book.
"Umm i can help, if you've any doubts"he offered.
"No,thank you I'm just revising it." I just focused on my books.
After a few minutes of silence.
'Heard some rumours going around about us..." He said. where he is going with that.
I didn't react at all, because i don't care about them.
"Well we can go out for a coffee tomorrow..."he announced.
Is he asked me? Or he informed me?.
"No, I'm busy tomorrow..." I answered fidgeting with my pen.
God it just awkward to reject someone,i just can't do that,basically I can't say no to anyone.
That's the reason Shazi tells me that people take advantage of me.
"No problem,we can go on this weekend." He suggested.
Why can't he understand that I don't want to.
Suddenly that certain someone, whom I'm trying distance myself,pulls a chair beside me.
Hamza smiled at me,and resumes his studies, without even glancing at Rahul bhaiya.
"No I'm busy this weekend too bhaiya". Rahul looked unhappy with the last part.
I think I just cleared that i don't want to have any different connection between us other than senior and junior.
"Ok I got it... but we can go another time we you are ready?"he said and Hamza clenched his fists.
Rahul left,and both of us sat there without uttering a word.
But it's the best part of my chaotic day.
We both studied for another 2 hours.
HAMZA
The last three weeks were utter mess for me.
I was wrong when i thought when i avoid her everything will be alright but,it all got worse.
My nightmares returned, like worse than before and i started having Anger attacks again.
My uncle joined me in a CBT program again, I'm sleep deprived by thinking about her all the time.
And i hate how much control she has over me...
But she too avoided everything, and i didn't like a bit when she avoided me.
I would be lying if I say I acted unbothered about it, but it hurts alot.
Suddenly her phone buzzed on the table, it's her alarm.
She started packing her stuff,she is leaving.
I came here because, just my heart told me to,i had a little hope that she'll come here today.
I thought if she didn't visit,i can sit in our usual place and study, but It didn't feel right to sit without her there.
I was too sad , that i Didn't even bothered about Rahul, thankfully she said no to him.
"You should also leave Hamza it might start raining....." She said looking outside the window.
"I'll Hania, don't worry" i smiled at her.
"But there's a announcement of Rainstorm today... it's not safe to drive in this weather...."her face is full of concern.
"Relax I'll head home after dropping you at the hostel...." I got up from my place.
"You don't need to Hamza,i can go by myself..." She is telling me as if I listen to her.
I used to secretly watch her, through security cameras on the way to hostel, just to know that she reached safely.
I don't mean our college is unsafe, but we have to cross the hospital in the way to hostel.
We don't know what type of people will be there, there will be security and all but still,l can't leave her alone...,
We both walked out of the library,and it started raining,she searched her bag,and opened her umbrella.
"Well your bag is a Doremon's pocket, you've everything." I'm holding the umbrella.
"You never know what you need...."
The weeks of avoiding eachother went into vain,both of us walking under a umbrella feels so intimate.
It's just amazing, the special Hania's fragrance hit my nostrils.
It feels like i returned my home.
I heard a loud thunder and I stilled In my place. I fucking hate them....
My body started shivering with the building anxiety.
No Hamza control yourself, you can't have a panic attack right now....
I think she noticed me,and started talking to change my focus.
I want to think about anything in the world except the thunder.
"You think the last experiment we did will be there in the practicals??" She asked, thank god now I can think about that.
I touched my pocket remembering that day.
I had spilled few coffee drops on me, she gave her stain remover pen and handkie to me.
I still have it in my pocket,she embroidered her initial on it with a red thread,a small heart beside it.
She told me that,it was done when she was learning embroidery in holidays...
"You should keep the umbrella" she said as we reached the hostel.
I agreed because i can't deny her, and I don't want to be drenched.
"Good night, take care Hamza..." She smiled and handed me the umbrella.
My fingers brushed with her's, she immediately pulled her hand back and looked at me.
Both of us looking at eachother, our touch affects both of us in the same way.
HANIA
I got the point I can't avoid him.
"Hania stop, just take the damn medicine."Anvita shouted from the bathroom.
I have Sinusitis, I walked in rain and I'm sneezing continuosly.
"It'll take some time to work Anvi----"
I can't even finish the sentence i sneezed.
Before I finish,"Allahmdulillah" she said on behalf of me.
We both smiled at that....
I always say allahmdulillah, everytime I sneeze.
HAMZA
My Nani opened the door,"Tumne kabse chatri leke ghumna shuru kiya hai Nijju??"she is suprised.
(When did you start walking around with a umbrella Nijju??)
"It's not mine, it's Hania's" i answered stepping inside.
I didn't leave it in the entrance,or in the umbrella stand,rather I'm taking it inside my room.
"Hamza it's still Wet, you can't bring that inside, just leave that there" She glared at me angrily.
"I can't, what if someone replace it by mistakely?" I questioned.
"Nothing will happen, atleast let it dry Hamza!!!" She yelled from the other side of my room door.
"Okay" i muttered.And heard her saying.
"lagta hai ae ek din pura pagal ho jayega"
(It seems that one day he will go completely crazy)
I made it to home, without an panic attack.
After it dried,i kept in my cupboard, beside my favourite collection.
Hania's collection,it has her photographs,her file i collected, her things, books she recommended basically the everything that reminds me of her.
My therapist suggested me to, listen to my heart,express my feelings to her.
I don't have a courage to risk my friendship over my feelings.