HAMZA
I'm sitting on the grass, watching Shazu and Arsh practicing football.i didn't feel like playing today.
I think it's the first time in my life,I feel not playing football. I loved it more than anything.
I spent 5 days without Hania ,i miss her,I miss her smile,her playfulness, i miss her fragrance it's black orchids.
I smiled remembering our conversation about it.
"Sitting beside you feels like sitting in a garden..."i told her and she laughed "But I can't name it exactly but it's feels like straight from the woods..." I added.
"Like black orchids and juniper....." She said ."Yeah last year I visited mehagalaya i remembered it."i replied.
"So which perfume you use?," "I don't wear perfumes, it's a body wash...".
I'm a idiot who even bought the bodywash, for the smell of her, it's has sweet, musky,and woody fragrance.
It's not usual fruity fragrance most girls use,but it's something powerful, overpowering and feminine at the same time,but it lacks something maybe the person who uses it,the comfort she creates,the warm feeling around her.
I even insisted Arsh to group call everyday,all of them used to talk, but I silently look at her.
I know I'm fucked up.
I returned to home, took a shower I decided to read something, she recommended alot of books but I decided to read Have a little faith by Mitch albom.
I think it's too relatable,so i stopped reading it, yesterday day only I had a session with my therapist and we covered alot.
He said I should not force myself into anything and listen to my heart follow what I feel. And he said I don't need a session of CBT for my anger management, I'm doing pretty good as of now.
As I'm doing fine right now ,I didn't have an rage attack since I joined college after the conversation with my dad.which is a achievement itself.
"Hamza are you okay? you didn't informed that you are coming?" My dad asked,"I'm fine,i just wanted to come home "i replied
"Is anything wrong beta(son)?"he questioned with concern, "I actually dropped out of college." I said nonchalantly.
"What? Are you out of your mind?"he raised his voice. "I'm not interested in it anymore"i said in a frozen tone.
"How careless are you Hamza, you got into the best college of the country and still you dropped out. Firstly you don't know how to take a decisions of your life. And you don't listen to anyone who advice you." He said harshly.
I've listened alot"yes, I don't listen to anyone, because the person whom I used listen made me who I'm today!!!!!." I yelled. "Don't bring that---"he tried to speak but I'm not in a situation to listen.
"Yes I'm careless because you all didn't care about me when I needed you the most!!!"I just shouted at him.
He was just stunned, I don't know what I'm doing I was so angry that I can't control myself, I broke the items in his office.
Returned home took sleeping pills to control myself,i think I had alot of them and woke up two days later in the hospital.
And they think i attempted a suicide.
I promised my uncle before that,I'll never hurt my self again so I didn't do it on purpose.
Now my scowls turned into smiles and my anger turned into calmness , my dead soul came to life,When she entered my Life.
To distract myself i wanted to do my favourite thing from the past 4 months.
Stalking Hania i know it's not good, and I too know about my fucked up morals. I want to know every single detail about her.
I quickly hacked into our college computer, which consists of students information.
I have done it hundreds of times, but I feel something new everytime I know about her.
Hania zerlin Malik I'm obsessed with her.
Secured a scholarship in our college which is quite accomplishment.
I exited the college computer.And checked her Pinterest.
Well I got to know that from my 12 year old sister Misbah, that girls use this app a lot.
Well Hania uses it too,drama edits, booktok is that a thing? like Botox... Just kidding. Cooking recipes, Islamic content, quotes and what grabbed my attention was a pin board named designing.
It has alot of interior designing stuff ,i thine likes interior designing.....
Finally today we are going back to college, I'm just so happy.
Three of us reached college and we are waiting for them at our usual spot.
And Arsh and Shazu started their bickering.
And I was searching for her,and I saw her at distance oh my God no wayyy.
She is wearing, black kurta set and she looks different,a billion dollar smile plastered on her face and yellow colour flowers covered the side walk. It just need music to complete a Bollywood intro.
And suddenly she playfully hit Advita on the head I'm gonna ignore that.
They joined us and Arsh blocked my way. "it's been one week since I saw both of you"he announced.
"You were calling us daily Rishu like some sales person" Anvita replied.
"Yeah,well my mum too commented on that" Hania added.
"What no one understands me in this world like Hamza--"he said and I raised a eyebrow at him.
"What about me Arsh?? You're just ignoring me.." shahzain cut-off him.
"Let him finish the sentence shazu"Anvita said
They started arguing again,i think they are brothers in parallel universe.
"Enough guys, what's this..., you both are fighting like kids, infact they fight over something reasonable" Hania intrupted them.
Anvita laughed at it,and both of them just stood there silently with a pout.
That's my girl......
And i noticed the difference she applied kajal in her eyes,and that enhanced the beauty of her eyes.
We are seated in the classroom and i can't take my eyes of her,the sunlight hiting her from the window, and her eyes looks like pools of honey.
Also you can imagine me sniffing like a dog,to smell her fragrance as much as I can.
I didn't realise I was eating her with my eyes until,someone dropped their book from the desk and it landed with a loud thud.
"You look beautiful today..." I blurt out and didn't realise that she heard it you're fucking dumb Hamza.
She smiled a little awkwardly. "you should apply Kajal daily... you're eyes look more pretty" i compliment her .
"I don't because i wear this" she said showing her glasses. This can't go more awkward than this I can hear crickets in the background.
To change the topic "we have a match Wednesday, you and Anvita can join us.
Hoping that she would come.
"Not sure, but we'll try"she replied.
And after the class we both headed to the library, Adarsh and shazu went to practice and Anvita headed back to room to sleep.
My dad had an important meeting today,so he didn't join us .
I can look at her today as much as I can.Without getting caught by my dad .
And i can even ask the person,who sits beside us and eyeing hania.
But he didn't anything,so I'm gonna ignore him.
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Happy or sad ending? please let me know in the comments.
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