Off My Chest
07.19.19
Tahimik kaming umupo sa bench garden. Walang ibang tao dahil kanina pa ang uwian. Na-late lang kami dahil sa meeting.
"Ah, sorry . . ." Kiel regretted crying in front of me.
I felt even more bad. Mas lalong bumigat ang dibdib ko.
"U-Uuwi ka na ba?" he asked.
I tried my very best and composed myself. Nag-angat ako ng tingin sa kaniya. "Bakit ka umiyak?"
I wanted to fully understand.
He sighed. "Kasi pakiramdam ko palagi akong may kasalanan sa 'yo. Palagi kang galit sa akin, ever since . . . kahit wala akong ginagawa . . . Gusto kong maintindihan . . . Hindi ko maintindihan . . ."
Ever since . . .
Right. I keep hearing this from him. Palagi niyang iniisip na galit ako.
Yes, hindi ko siya pinapansin ilang araw na at natural lang na isipin niyang galit ako.
Pero 'yung mga naunang beses . . . hindi naman ganito ang scenario. Bakit iniisip pa rin niyang galit ako?
Just... How am I in other people's eyes?
"Bakit ayaw mo na akong kapartner sa club? Hindi naman kita pipilitin. Hindi ko lang maintindihan. Bakit sa akin ka lang galit . . . Bakit si Harvin, kinakausap mo nang maayos . . . Bakit sinasamaan mo ako ng tingin . . . Bakit . . . Kaibigan ba ang tingin mo sa akin . . ."
Napatitig ako sa kaniya.
The little things. He would notice it. I wasn't aware that they affected him. That they really made him question himself.
He was too good at taking it all in I didn't realize they weren't actually little things.
Ang sakit. Ang sakit palang malaman na nakasakit ka.
I made him cry. And it was because of my actions and my words. It was because of me.
Ang sakit malamang ikaw ang may kasalanan. Ikaw ang mali. Ikaw ang may problema.
Doble ang sakit kung matagal na pala pero ngayon mo lang narealize.
All this time, I was a bitch to him. I was already crossing the line.
And what's my excuse? Why did I treat him differently? Because I like him? Who else treats someone they like the way I treated Kiel?
I don't know anymore.
"I like you," I admitted.
Hindi ito ang pinlano ko pero pakiramdam ko ito ang tamang panahon para makawala sa nararamdaman.
The root cause of everything was my feelings for him. Toxicity ang nireresulta ng pagkagusto ko sa kaniya.
Nafufrustrate ako at naiinis dahil gusto ko siya. Hindi ako makapagfocus dahil gusto ko siya. Nadadamay siya sa kawalan ko ng kontrol sa emosyon. I wasn't ready for it. I couldn't handle and control it.
It wasn't good for both of us. I really needed to escape from it.
"I like you, Kiel." Tinapangan ko ang boses ko.
The book was right. Parang may parte sa akin ang nakawala sa pagkakagapos matapos kong sabihin iyon.
Hopefully, after I hear his rejection, I can fully escape.
Awang ang mga labi niya, hindi makapaniwala.
I was sure he had heard this from several girls several times already. He had his script for this. I just needed to hear it.
"Joke ba 'to?" He shifted from his seat.
Umiling ako.
He looked skeptical.
"I like you. The reason why I'm annoyed at you is because I like you," I said trying to make a point.
His head tilted to the side. "Huh?"
Bumuntong-hininga ako. Okay! I thought this would be smooth! But then my original plan went awry so this is understandable.
"Gusto mo ako kaya ka naiinis sa akin?"
I nodded and let him process it. His eyes narrowed at me.
"Weh?"
I frowned.
"Avien, kung wala talagang rason kung bakit ka paulit-ulit na nagagalit sa akin, okay, sige, tanggap ko na. Huwag ka na mag-imbento."
"It's true!"
Tumagal ang tingin niya sa akin tapos ay umiling. "Hindi talaga."
I gritted my teeth. "Hirap na hirap akong tanggapin na gusto kita tapos hindi mo ako paniniwalaan?"
Nalaglag ang panga niya at napahawak sa dibdib.
I bit my tongue. Okay! That was offensive!
See I can't really control myself!
Tumayo ako at naglakad paalis. Ayoko na dagdagan ang kasalanan ko kay Kiel.
Bago pa ako makalayo ay nahila na niya ako. My heart skipped a beat when I felt his grip.
Napatingin ako sa pagkakahawak niya sa braso ko. Nang mag-angat ako ng tingin ay nagtama ang mga mata namin. His eyes dropped on my wrist then back at my eyes.
Hinila niya ulit ako paupo sa tabi niya.
"Crush mo talaga ako?" He sounded amazed now.
I behaved beside him.
"Ah . . . Okay . . . So, love language mo siguro magalit?"
I got offended. Ngumuso siya, pinigilan ang ngiti.
"Sabihin mo na lang na hindi mo ako gusto para makapagmove on na ako."
Natawa siya. Seryoso ang tingin ko sa kaniya. He wasn't taking me seriously!
"Wait lang," natatawang aniya. "Pwedeng iprocess muna?
"Move on. Hindi ko maimagine. Avien Evangelista magmomove-on sa 'kin."
"Take this seriously, Kiel."
"Opo." He stifled his smile. "Hmm . . . So ano 'to? Misinterpretation 'to lahat? Bale, sayang ang luha ko kanina?"
"No. I still hurt you. And it's because of this . . . feelings. So I don't want it."
"Bakit?"
"It's toxic. I'm hurting you and . . ." Nahihiya akong aminin.
"And?"
". . ."
". . ."
"And ano?"
"And I can't focus in class because of you."
Hindi niya inasahan ang sinabi ko. Unti-unti rin ay napangiti na naman siya. Pairap akong nag-iwas ng tingin.
Maya-maya ay tumawa siya. "Bakit hindi ka makapagfocus?"
Hindi ko talaga inexpect na hahaba pa ang usapan! Sa imagination ko, aamin ako, magsosorry siya at magpapart ways kami tapos hindi na ulit maguusap!
The reality wasn't matching the script I created in mind!
"I just need you to say you don't like me, Kiel, okay? And then we're done."
"Bakit ka muna hindi makapagfocus?"
No way in hell I'm gonna admit that. "Kung ayaw mong sabihin, I'll just pretend I heard it. After this, let's not talk anymore so it won't be awkward."
"Para makamove on ka?"
"That, too." Sinagot ko pa rin kahit tunog nang-a-asar siya.
He chuckled.
Nagmartsa na ako paalis dahil nagsisimula na naman akong mainis sa pagtawa niya. Hindi niya ako sineseryoso!
Again, he pulled me back!
He raised his hands when I glared at him. "Oh, crush mo 'ko. Huwag mong kalimutan."
"Don't you dare take this against me. Stop making fun of me."
"Sorry . . ." Napanguso siya.
"Ganito ka ba sa lahat ng umaamin sa 'yo? Pinagtatawanan mo lang?"
Nangunguso siyang umiling.
"Sorry . . ." Mahinanong aniya at marahan akong inupo sa tabi niya.
"Pwede ko bang malaman kung bakit mo 'ko gusto?"
"Hindi ko rin alam."
"Gusto mo ba talaga 'k--- joke," pagbawi niya nang lingunin ko. "Okay, sige, naniniwala na ako."
". . ."
"Kailan pa?"
"This year."
"Month?"
"Basta summer, I think."
"Ow . . ." His lips formed an o.
"So? Are you gonna say it? Uuwi na 'ko."
Napatitig lang siya sa akin.
I gave him time and readied myself also since according to the book, it will be painful and that will help me move on.
"Crush din kita," pagbasag ni Kiel sa katahimikan.
". . ."
". . ."
"What?"
"Gusto kita, Avien Evangelista." He even leaned forward and said it very carefully, making sure I understood every word.
My heart pounded. I restrained a reaction tempting to break my poker face.
"It's not funny." I wasn't expecting that.
"Hindi ako nagjojoke."
"Kailan pa?"
"Ewan ko rin. Ngayon ko lang narealize."
My heart fell.
He shifted from my seat. "Hala, seryoso nga. Gusto kita. Ngayon ko lang narealize. Hindi ko maexplain. Basta wala naman kasi sa isip ko. Tapos ngayong umamin ka, napaisip din ako. Tapos ayon . . . narealize ko . . ."
"I don't believe you."
He sighed. Humarap siya sa akin at hinawakan ang kamay ko. He caressed my knuckles with his thumb. "Paano ba patunayan? Hindi ko alam, Avien . . . Hindi ko rin ma-explain . . ."
Napaiwas ako ng tingin. "It doesn't matter."
"Hmm?"
"What I want is to move on. That's the reason I confessed." I shifted my gaze back at him.
". . ."
". . ."
"So . . . Paano?"
"Let's . . . avoid each other . . ."
". . ."
"Huwag na tayong mag-usap tungkol dito," I said with finality.
"Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ka magmomove on."
"I don't want to like someone."
". . ."
"I don't want distractions. I don't want a relationship."
His eyes dropped and nodded after a while. "Gets." Binitiwan niya ang kamay ko.
I loosely closed my hand he held.
"Hihintayin kong makamove on ka. After that, let's be friends again?" Mahina siyang ngumiti sa akin.
Napatitig ako sa kaniya at unti-unting napatango. "I'll be a better friend the second time around."
He returned a smile so warm I wanted to move on already.
* * *
August 6, 2023