Saudade; a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that has been loved and then lost.
The love that remains.
Yoon Min's eyes were stuck on the purple whale, resting on the shore of the moon glow-gold beach. Whales never get so close to the land. It was quite surprising why this particular creature was brave enough to come here. The waves were carelessly dribbling onto the sand, enough for him to have the touch of water.
She slowly approached the whale. She had never seen one this close and it tempted her to put her hand on his head. So she did, gently pressed her hand on the skin of the whale.
The purple whale opened his eyes at her touch. He didn't complain or back out. His eyes met with hers and that's when she realized, he was sad, depressed and heartbroken. His eyes reflected the story of his life, the grieving tragedy behind his suicide; the losing of his lover. His eyes showed her all of that. And she couldn't help the tears in her eyes.
She gently caressed the whale's head repeatedly, in hope for a short time, he might get the feeling he wasn't alone. That he didn't need to be sad, not with her.
"Does it hurt...missing your partner?"
He didn't answer, only let out a low moan.
Yoon Min only could see herself in the whale's eyes. She too had killed herself within the grief of losing her lover. The similarity tore her apart and left her stranded alone. That thought damaged her to a mid level of depression.
After a short time, the whale slowly retreated, pulled himself back as he swam deeper into the ocean, leaving the water drizzling and rippling. She crouched down and watched him swim further away. As he went back underneath the ocean, she found her vision blurring due to the tears stuck in her eyes. Because just like that whale, she missed her lover to an undescribable limit.
Closing her wet eyes, she let the breeze hit her face, shivering and making her want to curl up in a ball. She listened to the sound of the waves and the distant calls of whales miles away.
There was an automatic realization; a knowledge that had nothing to do with gut feeling or magic as she could feel a presence behind her. And it took her one moment to figure out who it was. It wasn't tough since she could recognise him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the sand. She would know him at the end of the world, in death and after.
Slowly opening her eyes, she gasped silently, being overwhelmed by the old familiarity of the presence. Her insides flipped and tensed, unable to function properly. There was no need to double-check her inution because she was damn sure it was who she was thinking. She could never mistake his scent for something else.
Yoon Min took her time to rose on her feet and stared at the infinite sea. She was nervous, still not ready to face him. Not ready to gaze upon his face and resist the urge to hug him. Her fists clenched, her shoulders straightened as she took a long inhale, before finally turning around.
It felt like their whole lives rewinded and brought them the agonizing sight of each other in front of them. It was like three weeks without him came slamming into her with full force, feeling physically winded at the sight of him standing a few steps away from her, completely damaged from the inside.
He looked so painfully the same and yet he wasn't. There was a heartbreak and melancholy clinging to his frame. In three weeks, he looked like he suffered, endured and gone through so much. His face was pale and lifeless, his gaze was scared and regretful, his posture was helpless and broken. He seemed so weak and vulnerable at the moment, that she had no idea how to stop herself from breaking into sobs.
Seokjin wore a face like he was expecting anger from her, anger that just didn't exist anymore. All she wanted was to make him happy. The condition of him terrified her as well as made her ashamed of herself, for letting him go through so much.
Seeing his state, she tried to speak but her voice faltered into unintelligible croaks. She wanted to tell him she loved him but she didn't think he would believe her, and she was afraid it would sound hollow. He didn't know she never gave up hope, never gave up wanting him. That's what she wanted him to know.
For a moment, it was only their eye-contact that kept them alive in the death of their love.
Yoon Min took a step forward, a second, a third and a fourth. Until she was right in front of him, the distance between them aching to close in a physical contact. She didn't break the eye-contact as she slowly gathered up her words and let out in the softest voice,
“You came, Jin?"
His eyes were diving in hers, the reflection of her face mirroring. Seeing her made his heart clench and squeeze with agony, the fact only she used to call him by this nickname made his stomach tighten, made his breaths quicker. He didn't reply to her but instead asked his own question.
"Y-You remember?"
She was taken aback that Aereum hadn't yet told him she was given back her memories. Nevertheless she gave a soft nod and a soft smile that wasn't visible.
Her response did something to him as Seokjin's hand covered his mouth in shock. He stumbled on his feet, unable to believe she remembered their lives and still stood before him like a complete normal person. But she was quick to understand how he was feeling, what he was thinking because she could see through him like she was a part of him. She grabbed his forearms before saying,
"Jin, listen to me..." She saw tears visible in his eyes.
Seokjin only shook his head and stuttered, “Y-Yoon Min, what am I supposed to do? I don't know anything anymore...” It wasn't long before he started crying. Tears rushed down his cheeks in blues.
All along, all the focus, all the spotlight had been on her. What she went through, how she survived, why she didn't stop. No one bothered to hear him out, see things from his pov, try to feel what he was going through. If it was up to her, she would say he went through much more hell than she did.
The tears on his face and the vulnerability in his voice broke her so much that she only wanted to stop him from crying now. She couldn't take it when he was this much sad, this helpless, this heartbroken.
Wincing in regret, he managed to look at her face despite the fat stinging tears stuck on his heart, “Tell me what should I do, Yoon Min. How do I apologise to God, and you? How should I ask for forgiveness when I don't even deserve any!? Tell me what do I've to do to stop this goddamn suffering. I'm just so scared of everything, I'm scared of what I did and of who I am..”
Her mind screamed and turned and tried to make sense of his pleads. He was in the highest state of any pain or guilt. His suffocation was making her suffer. She watched him breaking down in front of her, praying for mercy and almost passing out. He was crying to her as if he was being thrown to hell.
His lips trembled, parting to speak. But she cut off the chance by pulling him towards her until he buried his face in her shoulder and her arms wrapped tightly around his neck. He didn’t stop crying, he only accepted the hug as if he needed it to breathe. She brushed her hand gently over his back to comfort him, she found her body shaking and her eyes begging to drop tears at the sight of his messed state. She had no idea he was having such a hard time on his own.
“Now, now let it go. Let it all go. I know how hard it was...” She murmured sweet, supportive words in hope it would calm him. “We came a long way, didn’t we?”
That didn’t help. He only cried louder like a baby. She slightly rocked him for his comfort.
“Jin, you don't have to do anything. I-I'm not mad.”
She felt him stiffening when he heard that. He pulled himself back from her embrace and looked at her with pouffy face and red, teary eyes. He looked tensed, rigid, even his breathing.
Not letting go of his hands, she covered his hands with her own before finally telling him what she's been waiting for.
“After you d-died, I almost died too. The news of your death scarred me to bones. It felt awful and excruciating to think you were no longer beside me. Your suicide was very hard for me, Jin. As a matter of fact, I don't think anyone understands how hard it was honestly. When I was spending every day on our bed, wailing and clutching our memories to my heart, I was thinking why did I have to be so angry, why didn’t I talk it out with you, why did I resent you when it wasn’t your fault.”
His eyes glittered with a wet sheen.
“We both have done mistakes. Whatever happened didn’t happen because of you or me. Maybe it was meant to happen, maybe God wanted to test our patience. And if we did have faults, then it wasn’t either of us; it was both of us. Both of us failed, both of us hurt each other, both of us couldn’t handle it the right way.” She stared into his eyes, voice soft and light.
“After all this time, you're still the person I love undoubtedly. Even after the terror, I could never hate you. You're still a part of me.”
When he wasn’t saying anything, she started to think she was succeeding in what she intended. Because he wasn’t crying anymore. He wore a expression like he wasn’t expecting her kindness or forgiveness right now. He thought she was going to bash out on him. Maybe he did want to hear these words from her.
But he surprised her when he let out in his croaked voice,
“But I don't love you.”
Her face dissolved, as well her heart dropped to a baseless ground. She felt raw and exposed by the truth.
Seokjin removed her hands away from his as he lowered his gaze from her pleading stare. “I prepared myself before coming here. I prepared myself to leave you, to walk away as soon as I see you. I didn’t come here to make things right with you, Yoon Min.”
He spit out the next words without thinking, “And you shouldn’t forgive me. You aren't supposed to be fine with everything. You're supposed to hate me, hurt me, push me away. If I was in your shoes, I would've never forgiven someone who cheated on me, who took his life because he was a coward, who didn’t save his wife when she was all set to kill herself. You remember what I did, don't you?”
Taking a step away from her, he took a glance at her face. The flushed and blotchy cheeks, eyes lined with red shock swirled around with his own pain.
“J-Jin...”
Voice rushed and pleading, he choked out a sob, “I can't love you after everything I've done, Yoon Min. I've lost the right to be loved or to love anyone. I can't afford hurting you again. I've already died once trying to accept that I betrayed you. I don't know what will I do if I hurt you again...”
She took a step closer to him, afraid he was really gonna walk away. She whispered, tears rolling down her eyes, “No. I don't b-believe you.”
His heart twisted at the sound of her voice. He hated that look of devastation in her face.
“Believe me, I d-don't love you anymore.” Of course he was lying. He loved her more than words could ever properly explain.
Yoon Min shouted at him the next second, “I love you, Seok Jin!”
Her strong confession made him flinch even as he stared at her.
“I loved you, I still love you and I will love you in your weakest to strongest moments. I'm going to love you no matter what you say or do because it's my choice. It's my choice that I prayed to God, begging for you to come back. You think you know who's best for me, when it's you who will ever love me the best!”
His lips parted away, his shoulders slumped, the line of his spine tensed. How was she able to speak those words after the hell he forced her to go through?
Her hands were shaky as she reached for him but he backed away quickly when she was too close, shaking his head frantically.
“Yoon Min, stop! I-I don't understand.. Don't you get scared that I'll hurt you again?”
“I know you won't.” She replied instantly.
“I'm a monster! Why the hell won't you stay away from me?” He yelled out, tears full with regret and grief streamed down, raw voice ached.
By then, she was right in front of him, cupping his face in her palms and whispered, “Not all monsters are bad, certainly not you.”
“Y-Yoon Min--”
“Listen to me, Jin. I like that you want to own your mistakes, but at some point, you've to stop being so guilty and so sad, you've to start being gentle with yourself. You've to let it all go, you have to love yourself and the ones around you before it's too late. You need to forgive yourself first.”
He was speechless by her close proximity, by the fact she was standing so close and speaking to him in a voice no man can resist. He was stunned that she was holding his face between her hands, her thumb doing this circling motion in his cheeks that was making it hard to concentrate. And blindly, he tilted towards her fingers, starved for her closeness.
“You did everything you could, you tried everything you could, you did what you think was best. Yes, you hurt me and I still didn’t forget how much your mistake took a troll on me. You were wrong and I'm not defending that. But your mistakes don't define your character. It's what you choose to do after you made the mistake that makes all the difference. And you've proved effectively how sorry you're.”
The siren call of the sea was soothing. It was like being wrapped in comforting cellophanes of warm sounds and soft light.
She dropped another tear, “That's all that matters, Jin. That's all.”
Seokjin felt his knees trembling, hands aching to hold her back, lips fighting to kiss her soul. Even after death, her love for him hadn't disappeared a dust.
“Y-You deserve better...” he whispered, staring at his hands. Their foreheads touched unknowingly.
It was the most honest thing he ever said to her. He was right, he didn’t deserve her. But he had her nonetheless.
“That's what you don't get.” she said, and she's exasperated. “I don't care if I deserve better because I want you.”
He lifted his head while she took his hand. “There is nothing better than you. I cannot let go of the person who kept me together in the battles of life, in the storms of death, in the deserts of grief. I don't want us to go back to the worst part of our life, I don't want us to part away after all these signs that we're meant to fight for this love.”
“We did what we felt what we had to do in that time. Our mentality and our thoughts were different then. So let's not be trapped, let's not keep bullying our decisions. Growth also means being gracious with our past selves, so let's forgive ourselves first before anything.”
Seokjin sobbed for the final time, crying so loud before he wrapped his arms around her body and hugged her the tightest. He spent weeks away from her, feeling her absence like a visceral lost, a part of him felt incomplete. He mourned his decisions, he regretted every second. But all this time, he thought he walked away to protect her, to stop her from getting hurt again. He didn’t know he had made things worse and left her to feel lifeless.
However, that was not happening again. Even if he did want to leave her, thinking she'd be better off without him, she opened his eyes. She showed him what true love really was, she told him not to be stuck in the past. She needed him like he needed her. He wasn’t gonna walk away from her again.
She snugged further into his arms, into his chest, her arms around his torso tightened, never wanting to let go.
They held each other but they became a sobbing mess of tears and broken hearts and shattered pasts. With a promising miracle that things will finally change.
“Yoon Min...” He stuttered in between. “I'm sorry. I know it will never take the pain away or heal your broken heart. It won't let you forget the mistakes I did and it doesn’t mean things will be the same. It's never enough to console you, but it's to let you know how much I regret for hurting you. I won't do the same mistake I've done. No matter what happens.”
His lips pressed desperately against her forehead.
She replied next, “I'm sorry too. I also know I can't change the past. But together, we can try to fix our cursed destiny.”
He nodded, took her face between his hands and pressed multiple kisses in every cell of of her face. She closed her eyes, adoring the love he was showering her with guilt and care. She needed this, needed him to hold her and whisper they'd find a way to be together.
Reaching every spot around the mouth, he seemed to avoid her lips intentionally, no idea whether it was because he was teasing or was simply hesitant to kiss her. When his forehead dropped on hers, both of them silent and listening to each others' breaths, that was the moment she chose to press her lips gently on his, to let him know it was okay to do things like this. Their souls recognized each other instantly for this was not their first.
Their eyes fluttered when the kiss was deepened, his hand trailed and skimmed lightly across her face while the other arm brought her closer only. Desperation and yearning need to make up for the lost times welled up, spilled out in every tear that skimmed down their cheeks. It's as if no time had passed, as if their shared painful tragedy closed the distance, their bodies pressed close, lips moving in sync without missing a beat. The love sparked within that gesture and bonded them again for another lifetime.
The planets stood still when they held each other. The sky was alight with shooting colours. The stardust trickled down to adore them. It twinkled on their shoulders when they looked at each other and smiled. Because the kiss was an apology, a wish for a new beginning and a second chance. It was voluntary when he folded her inside his arms again; it's new but intimately familiar the way she rested her head against his shoulder, arms wind around him.
“Don't leave, never again.” Her voice was soft but eagerly.
His lips painted a soft smile as he buried himself in her love. It's a feeling that had only grown stronger. The feeling of protecting her, to make sure she's loved and cared. A feeling he'll never let die again.
The sea was kindling its own symphony. It was magnificent, dazzling in its own sparkles and light in the afternoon glow.
Maybe Forever could restart, from this moment.
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I wanted to post this chapter on a special occasion and today seemed to be the perfect day.
It's the last birthday of Jin before his military service. I'm both happy and sad; happy because I've managed to survive another year to celebrate his birthday, sad because I've absolutely no idea how I'll spend 18 months without him. With pieces of my heart crumbling, I'll stay strong and wait for him from dusk till dawn. I'll survive this abyss because I've built my faith and love for him in the strongest way possible.
It's also the official 2nd anniversary of this book. I wished for 20k reads but reached 18.5k reads. It was all possible because of you, every reader of LOVE UNIVERSE. You made this possible. Know that my gratitude and love for all of you have no bounds. You reading silently or openly means the universe to me. Thank You from the core of my heart💜
Happy Birthday, Jin. Let's meet again in 2025. We'll wait for you like we promised. Best of luck!💙
Thanks again for staying with me for 2 years. I'mma kiss you all when I meet you🙈