Something about you (Norminah)

Chapter Forty Two

"I'm pregnant," I began. "I want the baby, choosing to have a child with my friend is the next best thing to choosing to have a child with someone I'm in a relationship with for me. But choosing to have this baby after what happened before, brought all these complications and feelings, and everyone wants to help me with something and it's just overwhelming."

"First of all, congratulations. Secondly, why did you choose to have a baby with your friend?"

I don't know why, but there was something about this inquisitive and well meaning stranger that made me want to tell her everything. So I did, while we waited for the dough to rise, I told her about my past, Dinah, my job and therapy.

"The only person that I could possibly love more than her is my child. And Louis wants to be a father. So we went to a fertility clinic and two weeks later I was pregnant, on the first try."

"Did you fight for her?"

I nodded, "I did but it was too late by then. So here I am, trying to get over her, to find a quiet moment, some peace and some clarity."

"Well that's your problem," Indigo replied. "You're trying too hard."

"I love her, I can't just turn it off. I mean—"

"–You fell in love, well done. You're heartbroken and it's your fault, join the club. You're pregnant and even though you wanted this, you're scared. You could throw a stone and hit at least ten different women who feel the exact same way that you do. You're a scared mother to be which is perfectly okay because this is one of the scariest things that you'll ever do in your life. Having a broken heart may be painful, but it's a good thing. It's never quite the same when you put it back together because every one you love and lose teaches you something about yourself. And every time you rebuild those broken pieces, you rebuild them in a way that feels right for you, a way that's better than before because you're a wiser person than you were. You fell in love Normani. You miss her and that's perfectly okay. Miss her, cry when you feel you need to and send good vibes her way whenever you're thinking about her because something amazing happened when you fell in love with her and although you may not consciously realize it, deep down you do."

I frowned, "I don't understand?"

"You spent so long refusing to let yourself love until Dinah Jane came into your life, tore down every wall you had built up and touched a place deep in your soul that you've never allowed anyone to reach and you got a taste of what real and unselfish love is supposed to feel like. And now you get to give that love to your child and to those closest to you. For so long you've been so used to controlling everything around you, and you coming here is just the latest ploy in a series of attempts to regain that control that you feel you lost. But imagine if you took the energy that you're devoting to being in control and used it to allow yourself to just be?"

"I guess I never looked at it that way."

"How afar along are you? 15 weeks?"

I looked up at her, "16, how did you know?"

"It's not because you're showing or anything. If I could look half as good as you do when I get pregnant I'll be happy. It was just a guess."

"Oh well 16 weeks. He's due in June."

"So 5 to 6 months to go?"

I nodded, "Exactly. Thank you Indigo, for listening."

After the tea, we went into the small living room and sat crosslegged on the rug.