Something about you (Norminah)

Chapter Twenty Five

I lay alone in the darkness of the hotel room, wide awake despite the ticking of the clock on the wall reminding me that I would have to get up soon and fulfill my obligations.

Every breath felt like a struggle, strangely reminiscent of the time that I had come home to find him gone, but not quite as painful as that night had been. That night, it felt like the air had taken on the qualities of burning embers, searing my windpipes and lungs instead of offering relief when I tried to breathe. It wasn't that bad. But I was in shock.

It wasn't until after I had my breathing under control and the ringing in my ears had stopped that I was able to think. Dinah. I got out of bed and stumbled around in the darkness before finally finding my phone.

Normani| 01:24:
I'm okay.
I just need to be alone for a while.
I love you.

I sent one more text to Gen before lying down on the rug, suddenly feeling tired. There was a painting hanging on the right side of the bed. When my eyes finally focused on it, I noticed that it was a painting of the sunrise, when the sky was my favorite shade of blue, fading into a kaleidoscope of purples, pinks and oranges, even a little yellow.

The sun's consistency is amazing. Every night it moves into the background and casts its light on the moon. Someone once told me it's the same reason the waves always come back to the shore only to be pushed back into the ocean. Consistence; the glue that holds the world together. The reason that time continues despite whatever pain we feel in any given moment.

Eventually, the usefulness of my thoughts left, I knew it was bad when the sheep that I had been counting somehow morphed into the detached heads of my favorite celebrities. 10 Beys, 9 Riris, 8 Nickis... Ooooh 1 brunette Beyoncé. She was kinda cute. Dammit I lost count. 1 Khalid...

I had no idea when I fell asleep, only that when I woke up, I was tired and disoriented, and parts of my body ached from having slept on the floor. I got up, but instead of heading to the shower, I got into bed  and covered my head, despite the blackout curtains keeping the room dark.

No, it definitely wasn't as bad as the first time.

The first time my mind bobbed beneath the waves, and to begin with, I wasn't worried. I needed the rest. Then it continued to sink, the rest of my body too tired to push it back up toward the surface, too tired to panic, too tired... Somehow I got up and continued moving, and somewhere in between faking happiness so that no one would worry, and trying to get help, I eventually became okay. I didn't have some big eureka style moment, it just felt like a hand reached into the darkness, grabbed mine and pulled me out. I learnt to live with the pain of what I had lost, I made peace with the knowledge that a hint of it would always be there, gently gnawing at me every time I got too comfortable.

This time, I waited for the darkness to come, but it didn't. Every time I opened my eyes, I thought about Dinah, I thought about how things might have worked out between us if I'd been able to have my baby. Maybe I would have been nicer, or maybe I wouldn't have ended up working at La Sienne at all. Maybe I would have met her some other way.

Not that it mattered, she was in my life, I never had my baby, and somewhere between recklessly playing catch with the pieces of my heart heart and trying my hardest not to start seeing her in my future, I had fallen in love with her. Even if Eli showed up on my doorstep tomorrow to declare his undying love, that wouldn't change. 

It's funny how we humans constantly put things out into the universe without thinking about consequences and their immutability.

The next time that I woke up, I ordered room service, and while I waited for it to come, I decided to take a shower. After eating, I checked out and took a cab over to my apartment. If I was going to hide away, I could at least do it from the comfort of my apartment and try to get some work done.