Let Live (An Austin Carlile Love Story)

Not Much Here Outweighs the Pain

"I love you," he whispered, and I nodded my head.

"I know. I love you too." He stood up, giving me one more longing glance before stepping off the bus, the door closing behind him, leaving me all alone, just like I wanted to be, like I deserved to be. Deciding that shower sounded like a good idea, I rose from the couch, and shuffled slowly through the bunk area to the built in shower. I stripped off my clothes and stepped under the warm water, shutting myself into the small, enclosed space. The water fell down my back, rolling down my skin; as I stood there I felt a familiar feeling bubbling up inside me. Before I knew what was happening, the tears began to fall, harder than ever before, for the first time since that day. All of the built up emotion, the sadness, the anguish, the fear....it had reached it's boiling point, it finally needed an escape.

Now that they had sprung loose, there was no stopping them. I thought, I had hoped that crying would make me feel better, that everything that was pent up inside of me would finally be set free, would be able to fade away.

But that wasn't the case. The tears, they made me feel even worse. I felt so alone, so afraid, so lost; I didn't know what to do. I emerged from the shower, the tears not appearing to let up anytime soon. My body was numb, begging for something, anything. The pain in my heart was almost too much to bear. I needed it to go away, I needed it to stop, I didn't know how much longer I could take it. I would give anything for it to just leave.

I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and one of Austin's t-shirts; it was way too big, too long, almost like a dress, but I was hoping that the familiar feel of it, his scent that still clung to the fabric, would help me heal, would help the tears come to a halt.

I began to feel weak from all the crying, my legs shaky, my throat raspy, my head clouded and heavy. I collapsed on the couch, pulling my knees to my chest; I sat there for what felt like forever, bawling to no end, holding myself. I hated myself, I really did. I felt like nothing, like a failure, like a horrible person. It was all my fault. I deserved this.

The bus door swung open, the sound of footsteps approaching rang through my ears. Through glassy eyes I looked up, startled, not expecting anyone to be back so soon, though I really don't know how much time had passed; the show could already be over for all I know.

"Tyler? Oh my God. What's wrong?" It was Aaron, of course it was, he would be the one to come check on me, that's just the type of guy he is, a big teddy bear, always wanting to make sure everyone is okay. He sat next to me, the couch shifting at his added weight. None of them had seen me like this before, I had hid it so well, but there was no stopping the tears this time, there was no more pretending that everything was fine. "Tyler. You have got to tell me what is going on. You can't hide this anymore, it's killing you."

He was right, it was killing me, but I would rather it kill me than make me dead to everyone else. I didn't wanna say anything, I didn't want him to know, but my mind had other plans.

I opened my mouth, to tell him another lie, but this time, the truth managed to weasle it's way out. "I-I...my professor......he - he raped me." I didn't mean to say it, I didn't mean for it to come out, but it did, it slid out of my mouth so quickly I didn't even know what I was doing, what I was saying.

His face dropped, his eyes bugged out of his head, his jaw fell open a tad; just the reaction I didn't want, though what I had I really expected. My body was shaking with sobs; his face transformed with understanding, finally piecing together how weird I had been acting, the fact that I had been shying away from everyone's touch. He reached out, pausing for a moment, contemplating the decision; instead of hugging me he put a hand on my back, rubbing in circles, trying to calm me down. "Tyler, I need you to tell me what happened," he pressed, his voice soft and low, obviously taken aback, not prepared for what I just said.