Let Live (An Austin Carlile Love Story)

Just a Fool For You

"Thanks," I replied. I said my goodbyes to Millie and followed Danny out of the apartment, down the stairs, and out into the chilly, dark evening to the awaiting cab. He opened the door, motioning me in, and slid in next to me, giving the cab driver the name of our destination. The cab ride was mostly silent; my mind was elsewhere, my thoughts occupied with something else, someone else. After 25 minutes the taxi pulled to a stop in front of Babbo; Danny stepped out of the car and outstretched his hand to help me get out as well.

I rested my hand in his. As our skin touched I felt nothing, not a single thing. No sparks, no heat, no electricity, nothing to give away my feelings for him. Maybe because there were none.

Danny tightened his grip on my hand as we walked into the bustling restaurant. I wasn't comfortable with the affectionate guesture, but I didn't want to be rude so I let it be. A man in a suit showed us to a small table in the back, and we took our seats across from each other, the table between us illuminated by a small candle.

We ordered our food and made small talk over wine. The air around us was awkward and tense, I felt uncomfortable. I didn't want to be here; I wanted to be somewhere else, with someone else. I hoped he couldn't sense the way I was feeling, I was trying my best to play the part I needed to.

"Tyler, are you okay? You seem awfully quiet," Danny asked, his voice low and filled with uncertainty.

I gave him a sad smile. "Sorry, I'm just - not feeling like myself today is all." That was partially true. I wasn't feeling like the new me; I was feeling like the old me, the old Tyler that I had left behind that day in Los Angeles when I boarded that airplane and flew away from my home.

My mind kept wandering back to that picture I had found, memories of Austin and I replaying like an old movie in my head. All of the love, the laughter, the sparks; the way he held me, the way his lips felt as they brushed against mine. I missed those things now more than ever. I had done my best to put him out of my mind, to leave him in the past and move on to the future, but I couldn't. And after today, after this afternoon when he had walked into Sue's...I knew I didn't want him to stay in the past. I needed him in the present. I needed him in my future; he belonged there.

My thoughts were once again interrupted, but this time the interruption was a wake up call for me. A cell phone began ringing from somewhere behind where we were seated. The song playing caught my attention immediately, and I partially turned around in my seat to see the young woman behind me pulling her phone out of her purse. The song only got louder as it was removed from the leather pouch that had only muffled the sounds.

The tears reappeared in my eyes as I listened, transfixed by the music as her date laughed at her ringtone. I wasn't laughing, not even a little bit. I'm a Barbie Girl, In a Barbie World. Life in plastic, it's fantastic! That song brought back so many memories of the night of Austin and I's first date. The song had came on the radio as we drove back towards his house, and we ended up singing together, laughing at our silliness. That was the night he had asked me to be his girlfriend; that was the night we had sex for the first time, and that was the night I realized that I couldn't live without him.

And now, sitting in this restaurant listening to the song play from someone's phone, I realized that I was right. I couldn't live without him, and I was tired of pretending like I could.

I turned back to face Danny and stood up from my chair. He eyed me questioningly. "Tyler, are you okay?"

"Danny, I-I'm so sorry, but I can't do this. You deserve someone better than me, someone who can give you what you want. I can't, I can't be that person for you, and I'm sorry. You are an amazing guy, and I am so, so sorry for doing this. I have to go." A tear rolled down my cheek as I grabbed my purse. He opened his mouth as if to speak, but I didn't wait around to hear what he was going to say.

I walked away from table swiftly, maneuvering my way through the tables until I reached the front of the restaurant, pushing my way out the front door and back out into the cold, winter air. I walked towards the curb and flagged down a taxi rather quickly, which was surprising. "Ritz-Carlton on West Street, please. And hurry." I watched out the window as the building flew by, the lights blurring together as we drove.

I had to get to him. I had to tell him how much I loved him. I just hope I wouldn't be too late.

The car slammed to a stop in front of the towering hotel. I tossed the driver some money and stepped out, a chill running down my spine as I hustled towards the building. I opened my phone and found where Austin had typed in his room number: Sixth floor, room 675. I pushed the up button on the elevator, nervously tapping my heel as I waited for the doors to open.

I rode the elevator up to the six floor impatiently, my heart racing as I tried to figure out what I was going to do, what I was going to say when I saw him. The doors opened and I practically ran down the hall, quickly eyeing the room numbers as I passed. I found 675 and I took a deep breath before I knocked on the door.

No answer.

I knocked again, a little louder this time, mentally cursing myself for waiting so long.

Still, no answer.

I knocked one last time, more tears falling from my eyes, but the door never opened.

I was too late. If I hadn't have been so stubborn, if it hadn't have taken me so long to realize what I wanted....

I shuffled down the hall, taking small steps away from the room as more silent tears began to fall.

From behind me I heard a door open. "Hello?" A voice questioned. I stopped in my tracks and turned around slowly. "Tyler?" Austin questioned, his voice coated in sleep. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of basketball shorts, his hair sticking up; he had obviously been asleep. He rubbed at his eyes. "Ty, are you okay? What are you doing here?"I took a few steps towards him, quickly closing the distance between us. "Ty-" he muttered out once more before he paused. I didn't give him a chance to say anymore.

I took one more step, planting myself directly in front of him.

I looked up, my green eyes meeting his tired and confused brown ones.

In one swift movement I grasped the back of his neck with my hand, bringing his face down to mine.

I pressed my lips against his without hesitation.

My knees went weak, my head began to spin.

And I swear I saw fireworks.