Seeking SOMNUS

35.

CLARA

The rain started to pour, and the lighting jolted the flip in my stomach. The pit of darkness taking the night. The sky was smothered with grey thunder clouds, blocking the view of stars above. Rain was now pouring heavier, my mind was entirely stuck on Theo. His bruised body, his blank face, the regret in his eyes and the fear in his aura. I saw everything and I felt everything. He was in terrible situation earlier in the day and I left him when he needed me. The car I was in, I was driving back home, perplexing on the road out of blue. The sound of splattering shower triggering the corner of my brain I thought I buried in deep. I blinked multiple times and I saw her.

"Mama!" I whimpered and stopped the car. My fingers were shivering and my heart was beating out of my chest.

I rested my head on the steering wheel. And blocked my ears with my hands, I didn't want to listen the torture of pouring rain. I didn't want to feel. I wanted this to end. I wanted to be in your embrace again Ma!

My thoughts were rushing blisteringly in front of me. In the vapour and fog of rain, I could see the fire. I could see a crashed car with blood splattered all over the ground. My mum kept smiling at me and I was weakened on my knees. I didn't realize when did I start sobbing so hard, the tenderness was leaving my hands. The warmth was slowly getting away in form of sweat. My hands were wet, my eyes couldn't stop flowing down my hurt and silently my whole body was becoming numb and cold.

"You're strong, my girl"

"No I'm not," I screamed through my shivering body. Her voice echoed in my head and I was unaware of my surroundings. I was constantly wishing for something now I could never have. She left me, the incident was the truth of the past now but my mind was locking me to the same reminiscence of horror. My breath was uneven and my eyes were shut tight.

"It's just a phase baby girl. You're stronger than this Lara."

"I miss you. Please come back," I hopelessly stuttered, my father's voice ran goosebumps all over my body. I know they will never come back but I found myself too weak to feel anything rational.

They were gone, they were just gone.

I hit my head at the back of the car seat. Trying harder and harder to stop feeling what I was feeling. I was in pieces and I failed to mend myself back together. I lost few of my pieces in the darkest of places and few of them simply slipped away. I was chasing, rummaging and collecting them relentlessly but I was failing. The breath was knocking out of my chest and my body was becoming stiff. 'I can do this, I can do this... Oh C'MON!' I keep on telling myself it'll get over, but nothing was improving. I was losing myself.

I decided to got out of the suffocating car. It was caving in and I was shivering and shaking from its walls.
I stepped out.

The water soaked my body, I slid down and sat on the ground. I couldn't stop crying and it felt weak. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and I hugged myself tightly, burying my head in my arms.

After how long I had no idea, my heart stopped beating rapidly and the voices in my head went in rest. I wasn't shaking anymore but I couldn't stop feeling anxious. I stayed on my ground, soaking wet in rain. The road was completely empty and the sidewalk was shadow casting the lamp posts.

The rain slowed down but thunder and lightning kept piercing through my skin.

I stood up from the ground, hopped back in the car and started the ignition. I drove away instantly before I could go through it over again. I tried not to think. Nothing at all. The diversions were killing me that night. Everything was harsh on me. I was harsh on myself which I had never allowed myself. Yet I did it.