Seeking SOMNUS

17.

“
Home
A place where I can go
To take this off my shoulders
Someone take me home
”

•••••

This night seems like never gonna end. We both were sitting on the floor and I could feel the tears running down my face. If you say boys don't cry, then please go and screw yourself. This was too much for someone to grab in one night. My heart ached cause of the flashback of my life and way more terrible incidents of Clara's life.

After my story, Clara went silent for long. She was not moving not whispering nothing. But through the moonlight, I saw the shine on her face. She was crying but yet she was quiet. We both were calming ourselves in the silence. Everything was just shunt and we could hear our heartbeats through the layers of quietness.

There was the numbness crawling in my body, this time my heart was racing and pounding harshly, the world seem to stopped and all I could feel was coldness of the sickening past. Someone once said, "it's dark, it's cold, it's unbearable agony of burned holes these are not the wound of outer world- these live inside the mind- these are excruciating memories of gone life." Time is the ultimate cure, though it fails to cure few wounds. Those will remain live on soul like branded scar and rides with us to our grave. I feel like buried in depths of ocean and there only I could feel my lungs relieving. And the fresh air was suffocating! Woah!

"That's dangerous" she sniffed after the trail of silence for so long.
"You guys are safe? Culprits are behind the bars?"

"No, they are still out there. One of the two guy was shot dead by cops, another one is still free." I briefly replied.

"So you find that guy guilty?"

"Yes, he is police confirmed it. These all were mentioned in the file"

"I'm not-
I'm not talking about file. Do you find those two guilty, by your heart?" She specified. Her voice was soar and low. Full with pain, rebel and fury.

"I.. I don't know! I think–" All I could say.

"I find that truck driver guilty, I find that gas guilty, I find that air guilty I find that time guilty. I find myself guilty." And she burst out. Still crying but not trying to show it off. I felt so helpless. I wanted to comfort her, make her feel warm and safe but her condition was stopping me, what for I had no idea.

She was blaming herself. It was not right. That was not her fault when the truck lost its breaks, when the rain was storming horrendously, when the all worst things lined up and attacked at once. When that gasoline caught fire burnt up everything down to hell because of science. It wasn't her fault when night turned into real– blue and living nightmare of consciousness.

I never got to know, if her mother was alive. I was too afraid to ask. And too broken to know if she was no more. That shit would hurt terribly. My heart could not cope with the surroundings.

"She left me. Like he did. I got no one. And it's all my fault." And she answered my thoughts which was way more painful than I imagined. She brought her knees towards her body then buried her head on the top of it. She looked so tired and guilty. She— her mom! Oh holy no! What could possibly be wrong with the universe!

She should not at all be guilty though. Nothing was her's fault. If you're upset from failure it's a phase you can feel bad for a while, that's not a shame or anything wrong. She acted like a human being and being human cannot be a sin. Or can it? But it was not at all her fault.

"We all are mess. Your father, he was what! who knows but here you are suffering from his death. You have to blame those guys. You priory blamed him for abandoning you then you out of nowhere found out that he's gone. This hurt like pouring acid on heart buring it simultaneously melting it down to it's damaged and fragile state." She nearly screamed through rough voice and cracked in the end of her line. I couldn't control I went up to hug her. She didn't stop me, I felt her sobbing in my embrace. My heart started to beating even faster than it already was.

"You know, the truth– it was hidden from me for years the life was easier. I was the coolest kid. I had complete family and literally everything one could desire for, then one day I opened a forbidden door and let the 'truth' enter in my life like perfect storm. It was dangerous, it was sickening, it was hurtful and it was everything that turned my mind upside down. Suddenly I was feeling that same beautiful life suffocating and hideous. Nothing has changed, mornings were same, Fin's troubles were same. Silver Hem was same but my concious, subconscious and whole system was tremendously changed. Inside my body whole shit got changed. My perspective towards life got changed. I was no more Theo I used to be. I was not me. Just because a truth unfolded in front of me. A truth which could not hurt yet killed me nearly. It shocked me to my core. And there it proved that truth can be dangerous they are, they are in literal terrifying which is why the human tendencies are to always falls for 'false'." I said through the pictures running in my head. All the memories and everything was playing in front of me like some sort of an old tape. I was not just saying but feeling and watching through my eyes yet in my sight there was nothing but darkness and moonlight.

Visualisation is curse.

"Your heart. It's shaking my head. Gonna pound out of your chest. You need to calm down. It's hurting but don't need to stay broken. My mum told me that my dad used to say, 'even if life breaks you for the millions of times, you still never lose your momentousness; you are still you, and if you've gone through all of the horrendous ghastly stuffs yet breathing –you're the strongest *period* no matter what!" She pulled away and looked straight into my eyes. "You're stronger than you think. You're brave. You Are Theo."

"And you're not guilty Clara!" I hushed but she heard it.

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