Seeking SOMNUS

18.

“
I'm not givin' up
I'm not givin' up, givin' up
No, not me
Even when nobody else believes
I'm not goin' down that easily
So don't give up on me
”
••••••

"And you're not guilty Clara."

She stunned for a while, but she refused to accept the fact. She nodded her head in disagreement and about to say something but I shut her.

"You're not."

"Just shut it... Shut it down" she screamed.

"You know nothing, how does it feel! Those nightmares and those voices always reminds me of what I've done, and I could've stopped it. That was not the last thing on the planet yet I've turned everything to the horrific path. I was the one screaming and screwing the shit. You have no idea what it feels like. Everyday I try hard and hard and it gets harder with every passing second. I was chasing sanity, I was chasing peace, I was chasing tranquil pace of my soul. I was seeking the sync between my mind and my heart, I was seeking for one- at least one minuscule reason to relief this burden off of me, known as guilt. Now I stopped these all. I stopped everything. I don't know if now I'm looking for anything at all. The motive of my life, I don't wanna lose it, and I know I won't, because yes in horrible way but I know to how manage my mess. All now I'm seeking are my dreams. A rest to my concious-ness. But you know that's too a hard enough fight and I don't want to lose myself in it and I don't know if I'm left with any strength anymore. And the only thing got me hung up with it is this ... this 'guilt'. You easily said that doesn't belongs to me. So better you just don't!" She was huffing. Her breath was uneven. It was heartbreaking for me watch her like this. But surprisingly I know the answer of what she just said about her feelings.

"You need to shhhh!" I started

"What-"

"Ah-huh.. no.. shhhhh!
You know there was a time when I was losing my mind and about to explode my system, then someone who decided to stuck with me on this track of trouble told me to shush the noise. She held my hands and made me forget that anything can destroy me. She told me to shush not by my mouth but by the centre of my whole body that's mind. It's important really important for sometimes when everything is slipping away from our hand, and there is no one else to blame then you need to stand by yourself and shut the noises. You don't need stuck on the most negative thing in order to have motive or in order to feel alive. This is not the right way. And I know that you know it very well. Stay calm, even though it's hardest in your surroundings, shut the voices in your brain where I know those voices never go away never shut down. But you told me you are the queen of your body, be the queen your heart believes that you are. And I am no one to tell you what to do or what not to do but it's sometimes our own thoughts drive us all crazy so we need someone to hit the breaks before destruction. I would never let anything destroy you. And you're strong enough, you just need to recall. Trust me it was not your fault, if this guilt is the only thing got you hang on to your life in then this is a trap not a support. Let go. Let go of this guilt Clara, it wasn't your fault. It is not at all. You got yourself, your hopes, your desires, your passion, your Everything to hang on, you really don't need that shit, you don't have to have fucking guilt. You're Not Guilty."

"You're really a beautiful soul Theo. Thank you for all these but you think it's that easy." She replied.

"I totally believe it's not, you know the fight from ourselves, from our minds are the hardest. But I want to let you know you're not alone and you're not the only one fighting. I'm there in both of the cases. I was never this calmed and relief before you, Clara. It's you saving me, where you don't even know you are. You in real are the winsome sunshine over my eclipsed covered life and Miss Clara Zoe Irvin, I'm more than flattered to have you by my side." I first time ever said something I didn't even know I felt. And I was feeling more than that.

"I'm with you too. In both of the cases. I have a believe in me that I can make it out alive, sometimes those traumatic attacks leave me helpless and alone in the abandoned ground. Where reality is a monster and chasing me till it kill me or drive me completely insane. But see, here I am, still breathing and perhaps, still talking sense. I still don't know if it was my fault or not, but getting over these seems near to impossible. I might one day forgive myself but is there anything rather than death can bring my parents back to me. I'm afraid nothing." She said looking down at her palm, not facing me. Then she looked up right at my face, poured her emotions in my heart. "I'm more than fortunate to have you by my side. I had that obnoxious feeling of those harrowing memories today and your name all came in my head before anyone. You were the first person, my heart thought of talking to. And your life is ain't eclipse and I'll always be the sun shines for the moon named Theodore Arthur. I'll always be there for you." She leaned in and lightly crossed her hands around me. I returned the gesture.

"So I had no idea we can talk this much and this long, woah these are so damn cheezy that now I could smell pizza in the air." She comment and pulled away from the hug. And I cracked at her statement.

"Cheese is love though. Or I say pizza is obsession." I remarked. She then joined me in laughter.

"Hey it's stopped, it's really stopped." I wondered looking out of the window.

"What?" She turned to see what I was looking at.

"Rain. It's stopped. The moon's looking so beautiful." I said admiring the beauty after rain, or say pain.

"Yea, yea it is. Truly." She answered. Oh holy god! She was looking alluring in that moonlight. It shines the best out of her. And what was really going on with me!

"It's stopped too." She faced me, again caught me admiring her, when was that going to get over.

"Ah, ah what.. what stopped?" I made balance between my words and here that stammer side of me was back again.

"Those voices, those panic feelings, those fastened heartbeat, that trail of thoughts which were killing me. These all have stopped now. I feel so much better right now. I feel like my soul is back in my body those demons are gone, back in the dungeon inside my head. It feels marvelous." She smiled, widely. That was genuine and that moment I realised how bad I needed that but I had no idea I needed that. She was so pretty and extremely precious.

"It's a matter of ecstasy for me. I never ever had any brain enough to calm someone's nerves down. Trust me, this is all what you did to me. You undid me in the most perfect way ever. Should I say welcome or should I present my immense gratitude to the heavenly satanic soul like you. Clara, I'm grateful to you." I took her hands and placed a little kiss on back of her palm. It was forward but with nice intentions. She didn't mind it either rather she giggled at it.

"You're such a dramatic bad boy Theo." And her laughter covered the entire air of the room. I meekly smiled but I loved it. I loved this moment. It went from darkest to the brightest. I loved how we balanced each other and by stepping into each other's mess, we didn't screw it more but clean it up a little. I loved this night of my life after those dreadful longings.

I never knew geniune stuffs could be so bewitching to feel. Someone once said, “sometimes the brightest light comes from the darkest place.” And this present moment of me and her proved it manifestly. I was overwhelmed under the moonlight with her.

What was happening with me, I didn't know but all I knew was, this thing that's happening with me was graceful and heavenly, something I've never felt before.

After few moments of soothing silence, she slightly fit her hands into mine and intertwined our fingers, I didn't resist that, it felt relieved. And then rest her head on my shoulder. I shut my eyes, ju

"Now this is home." She whispered underneath her breath. And I felt completely incredible.

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