Seeking SOMNUS

5.

"Dude!" She took my coffee and finished in one gulp. And I was looking at her with my mouth hung open. "Gonna help me to survive the day. As you were not actually liking this."

"So you're really taking leave for sleep sickness. What are you gonna do?" I finally blurted out something my mind's looking for, from the whole day.

"Exercise. Meditation. Mostly rest. Not physically, but mentally." She blinked her eyes and smiled. "You were going crazy to know that, weren't you?"

"I.. no.. not really." I choked in words.

"Well, who really cares?" She got up from her place.

"Number?" I wanted, but didn't willingly to ask like that. Again.

"Maybe, when me meet again. Like this." She turned her back and moved out of the cafeteria.

"All I got with all of this conversation is hope. And it feels good." I told myself.

School hours were over, during second hour of practice session, I gave the excuse of exam and grades to coach though he was not actually believing on it but in the end that went well for me. In calculus class, Clara was totally into her books and focused on lecture but this time I just watched her from afar, I shouldn't be creepy, all the time poking stalker around her. And she was way too smart to understand everything in one go. I decided to back off.

As I predicted my day was absolute lit up and shit too, but not altogether.

...

I was lying on my bed thinking about everything that happened today then I heard my room's door open with little noise.

"Hey, Theo!" Fin entered, staring down at the floor.

"What's up Finny?" I tried to cheer him up, but he was still off. He walked across the room and took a seat next to me.

"Nothing Theo. I was feeling alone, because of nothing." He didn't make eye contact and just staring at floor.

"You were always busy in your school things and mum is on job all day out. I'm alone." He was making signs from his little hands. But I could feel him.

"Hey, You're not alone, you got us." I managed to say.

"Not all the time when I needed, not physically." He groaned in frustration, I could understand.

"When you feel alone, call your friends to come over and enjoy. Or you also got your PlayStation." I put hand my on his shoulder.

"No, Jamie and Harry not always can come over, and that playstation is the oldest element in our home." He shrugged my hand. "Ever feel in your mind that walls are running towards you because you find yourself all alone. Ever feel that you got the best family but you like other's 'best' more. Ever feel, like you're the only one left in this world of monsters, and you're turning into one."

Wait wait wait ... What? I was wondering what have I heard from my younger brother. He was just ten, this couldn't and shouldn't be his thoughts. Then I remembered. And holy shit!

"FINLEY... YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TOUCH MY THINGS. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GO THROUGH MY STUFFS?" I raised my voice and screamed like he was not my brother but someone who just found out my darkest secret. He just read out loud my mind's demons, whom I captured down in my journal. Now he knew that.

"This.. this is your journal and you were acting strange in the morning. And then I thought... I thought, you must be doing something, you shouldn't do - so I searched in your room to find something strange.
And you were not sleeping for weeks. You didn't tell anyone, like yeah we're not 'family'. So I should be one shouting at you. Not you." He took a deep breath as he finished, and now he was standing on my bed looking down into my eyes. Dropped the journal at the edge of the bed. He was extremely furious and I felt the weird guilt raising in my body because of hurting my brother's feelings.

I moved forward and embraced him into a tight hug. "I'm sorry Finny, I shouldn't hide any of this but how can I make you all worry about the things, I am not even clear about?" I mummered.

"So you're not clear about somnia?" He asked. Pulling me away from the hug.

"It's insomnia and.. I'm not clear about the reason behind it. Not this particular whole thing." I explained politely.

He then sit on bed, thinking and keep on thinking of something.

"Was our father really like that? Like you mentioned. And.." I cut him and I never wanted him to find this out. No at least like this.

"Shhh.. he was not our father. He was just a gene donor and nothing else. Forget about that.. just forget him." He didn't seem like much bothered with the fact what our father did to us, but it was me who started worrying.

"I don't care about him Theo, whatsoever he was once. But he is a dead person now." He mentioned the obvious truth. "I'm not worried about what the man he was, but I am worrying about what that man is doing to you. He shouldn't be in your mind and crushing it. He was never here for us, so what now. More specifically why now?" And my brother told me what I was looking for, for days. But I felt like might be this was not the real reason or the only reason.

"Finnn... We're here.. let's go for today's hunt." I assumed it was Fin's friend Jamie. Our living hall was the centre of that noise.

"Coming" Fin shouted.

"Theo conversation is not done yet. I want to help you out and you gonna let me." He jumped off of the bed.
And then he kicked me real hard in stomach and screamed, "Bye the mighty Thor." He laughed, and it was amazing. Then he ran out of the room.

The day was almost over and I couldn't feel the time. I just came back in my room after dinner and I opened my journal. Scribbled thought, scratch scars by pencil and complete story of my life, these all looked like biggest part of my life. This was what I am.

Last entry was last week's Saturday, where I mentioned no change in my condition. I felt like pang of guilt filling my body because these all were no hidden facts anymore. My brother knew them and he shouldn't be concerned or worried about his brother in this way. I'm elder than him yet he was talking to me like he could hold the responsibility of me.

Rush of thoughts now entering by brain. Nothing I could do to stop them, so I shut my eyes and try to seek a the reason or confirmation on the reason I think, could be true.

Nothing happened. My eyes were closed but mind was awake. And images of that man coming into my mind vividly. I could imagine in pictures how he did those things before abandoning us. And how he died on his own sins. I shot opened my eyes and sit up. My heart was beating faster. And I was, I didn't know.. maybe panicking. Now I was even more scared. Scared to close my eyes. And scared of sleep and dreams, or I could clarify it as nightmares.

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