SINCE DAY ONE ― luke hemmings ✓

33

and love is not a victory march,
it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah

*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*

Somehow, we ended up at an alley next to the hotel while my feet stayed glued at the pavement. Calum took out his cigarette then, and was about to light it up—almost—when his eyes darted to me and he threw it back.

"Calum—"

"I don't understand, Theo." He says frustratingly, making my heart ache even more while I held on the folder in my hand, all with my files that says exactly the things I couldn't bring my heart to tell. I fucked up. I fucked up so bad today. "What—happened to you?" He faced me, and I was too shaken to answer. I just can't believe he found it this way. And of all people, it has to be Calum Hood. "Theo, please. Are you okay?"

"Y-Yes." My voice broke, "I—I'm not sick anymore." Calum took off his glasses and it broke my heart to see his eyes were red. Is he—Is he crying?!

"Not sick anymore? Oh, god. You were sick." His hands went over his forehead, eyes away from me I could finally breathe. "Is it true? Is that—true?" He knew. It was written in fine print all over the paper he was holding on a while ago.

And there was my chance. To tell the truth—but not to the person who should've known first. "I found out about it the day of our second anniversary—and—and on the day I broke up with Luke, I was already at stage two. It should've been found out earlier, and every day feels like I'm gonna die. I didn't know what else to do, Cal. So, I—"

"Don't tell me, Theo... No—you did not—"

"I did. I did, I'm sorry." I broke down. Hands on my knees while still trying to stop the tears running down my cheeks all at once. "I—I broke up with him because I didn't want him to see me like that. I didn't want him to know whether I was gonna die tomorrow or—or—" I felt Calum's arms around my shoulders that I cried even more. Feeling something warm at my sleeve that Calum was—crying, too.

"Theo, we almost lost you. And we didn't even know..."

"I—I'm sorry. I couldn't. I was so weak. So afraid he'll leave. So afraid I'll ruin him. Ruin all of what we have. I'm so sorry."

"Why did you think it's a good fuckin' idea?" He buried his head on my shoulders and I feel so upset. I was absolutely the worst. "Of all the people you could doubt—it's not us, Theo. Never us. We—We love you so much, dumbass." He pulled away, wiping his face harshly as Calum Hood isn't the person you see cry even at the hardest things. To be honest, I've only ever seen him cry like this to me, just today. Right at some dark alley at sundown. "But... Luke?" I wiped my tears the same, staring over the wall with my head full of so many thoughts again. If I've managed to hurt Calum like this—what would've the truth done to Luke?

Thinking about it alone makes my hands shake.

"I've been trying to find a way to tell Luke ever since Paris... But I didn't wanna ruin tour. I didn't wanna ruin his performance or let down all your fans. It's not right." He nodded about, going closer to me to give me a hug longer than I anticipated. He didn't hate me—at least that's what I think. But I kept crying so much I wonder if Calum was hugging me just so he could keep his teary eyes away from me, too.

"I can't imagine, Theo—I can't." He murmured, his arms tighter around me I could hear his heart beat fast. "I wanna hate you for lying but—no, I couldn't. You're my best friend, Theo. I don't wanna lose you. I love you even if you're a dumbass." I laugh even between sobs, choking out from the lump on my throat every second his hug lasts. "Don't ever do that again, please. Don't..."