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Chapter Thirty Seven: Saying Goodbye.
The last time I was meant to die I never got the chance to say a proper goodbye to anyone. But Tarquinn allows me time to gather my thoughts and make my goodbyes. I'm camped out in a bedroom and I'm allowed to request the presence of vistors, which I make the most of. I call in those I'm close to, Dustin, May, Oscar and Axel, those who supported me and wished me the best.
I sit on a bed and wait for my requested visitors, wanting the chance to say a final goodbye and wish them the best. I also want to use this time to thank them, needing them to know how much their support and how much their encouragement helped me to overcome some of my fears. I play with the blanket on the bed as I wait, not knowing what I'm going to say but hoping it'll turn out Ok in the end.
There is a knock on the door and I call for them to enter, seeing three of the Blaze clan forming a semi circle around my friends, as if expecting them to bolt the other way. They push them in before slamming the door loudly and I can't help but roll my eyes at their behaviour.
"Lexie you are such an idiot!" Dustin starts, running over to me and wrapping me in a tight hug.
"I know. But I care about you guys" I mutter into his ear before releasing him. "I want you guys safe"
"You're doing a very selfless thing. Sacrificing yourself for us? The ones you love and the ones you barely know?" Axel says.
"Like I said, I care about this clan, those I know well and those I don't" I sigh.
"Thank you" Oscar says and I smile.
"It's Ok" I murmur.
"I wish you didn't have to do this" Oscar sighs.
"She doesn't!" May shrieks angrily, obviously not happy with my choice. "Lexie, you have the strength to escape. Please go!"
"I've escape death once and it didn't do any good. I just have to accept this" I tell her and she looks as if she's going to cry. "I'm sorry" I tell her.
"Your death will only bring more hurt, what's the point in it?" May asks and I smile sadly.
"It may bring more hurt but it will not bring death. If I stay alive then we're in danger. If I die then you'll be safe. You'll forget me, May, trust me" I tell her and she shakes her head.
"We'll never forget what you've done for us" she promises, pulling me into a hug.
"Do something for me May" I say and she nods.
"Anything" she replies.
"Tell Seth I'm sorry and I love him. Also, if it looks like he's going to avenge me, stop him. I don't want him getting hurt" I say and she nods again.
"I promise" she says and I pull away from her hug.
We spend the afternoon talking about silly things, none of us wanting to remember this afternoon for it's sadness. We mess around and laugh, sharing stories and making jokes, just wanting to spend some 'happy time' together before my death.
Tarquinn may have been reasonable but he isn't a saint. The afternoon has to come to an end eventually, my friends being dragged from the room as I sit on my bed, feeling suddenly scared and alone without their presence.
I'm overcome with worry, but not about my ceremony; about Seth. I worry about what he'll do when he finds out what I did. I worry that he'll get upset, not wanting to cause him any pain through this. I wonder if getting into this relationship was a good idea, when we knew this situation could end in death. But I can't regret a single moment of the relationship. Every kiss, every hug . . . I regret none of it.
* * * * *
I'm left in my room, alone and isolated, for the following days. I don't know anything about the ceremony and don't want to know anything, the details will make it seem even more real. I don't regret the decision I made, I know I must die if I want those I love to live, but I'm not kidding any body. I am scared to die. I thought this feeling wouldn't come, that I could breeze through this, but the feeling of fear has come back.
I never really thought about life after death, I had never had to worry about dying so young, but the more I think about death the more I wonder what will happen to me. They say that becoming a vampire is like selling your soul, so does that mean I'm going to hell? Is there even anything after death? The more I think, the more I worry. The more I worry, I feel even more fear.
The isolation in the room doesn't help. I have no one to talk to about my fears, nobody ask about the after life, and that makes me even more emotional. I try not to let it effect me, but of course it does. I'm scared, but at the same time I'm ready. I know what I must do and I'm going to do it, no matter how crap it makes me feel in the run up.
* * * * *
The ceremony is tomorrow and I don't know how to feel about it. Should I be relieved I no longer have to wait? Relieved my clan will be safe again? Or should I be terrified of the death that nears? I'm a mixture of emotions, each one claiming me in turn before changing into something else.
I'm not allowed to see my friends again which makes me agitated, wanting to see them one last time. I've been cooped up in this room for days on end, not allowed a break from the isolation for even a moment, which has made me shaky and nervous. I didn't think being alone would get to me but it has . . . big time. The last time I thought I was going to die I had the Maver boys who helped me through it, letting me cry and even trying to comfort me. But here it's different. I'm afraid to let out my emotions because they'll think I'm weak. I don't want to be thought of like that.
I hold it all in, pacing the room to try and give me something to do that doesn't require too much thinking, my head pounding from all the worry and strain I've been putting on myself.
Tarquinn was right, I am a disappointment. I'm meant to be the strongest of all the vampires and yet I can't even control my emotions? I'm a wreck! I try and snap out of it but if anything it drags me deeper, refusing to let me go. I struggle to rid the feeling of defeat and the feeling of dread, it sticks with me like a thorn in my side, refusing me even the smallest break.
How am I going to act tomorrow? I can't let them see me like this, I need to be strong for everyone and show them this is the right decision. I need them to know I'm happy with the choice I'm made. I am happy I've agreed to this, it's just the last minute nerves that are getting to me.
I worry about Seth and the others, wondering where they are and hoping they don't return home until it's safe. I don't want them coming here before Blaze leaves, knowing they'll be beaten if they turn up here.
I try and get some sleep but I can't, just tossing and turning. I can't help the feeling of worry and distress than consumes me, keeping me awake as I realise just how scared I really am. I try and lie to myself, wanting myself to believe everything will be fine, but I can't convince myself. I'm terrified of dying.
YOU ARE READING
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