The Three of Us

182. Anger

Marilla said the next afternoon, "I'm glad you're allowing Walter back into your life."

Anne looked up at her. She knew Marilla had not really approved of her casting Walter out of their home for four days.

"Are you feeling better about him now?"

Anne nodded. She couldn't say anything.

"I hope this doesn't happen again."

Anne shrugged.

Marilla said, gentler this time- realizing she'd never get through to Anne if she didn't appear more understanding- "I know you're having a hard time with your feelings toward Billy-"

Anne looked up, visibly bristling at the name.

"And of course you are," Marilla continued, "But you mustn't take it out on poor Walter."

"I haven't done anything to him," Anne said, offended. "I wouldn't hurt him."

"No, I know you wouldn't hurt him," Marilla agreed. "But I think you're letting your feelings toward Billy shape your opinion of Walter."

"What do you mean?" Anne asked, preparing to be offended.

Marilla was quiet. "Anne, you must separate Walter from Billy in your mind- Walter hasn't done anything wrong."

"I never said he did."

"You don't seem to like him very much these days..."

"Well, who would like him acting that way?" Anne asked incredulously. "Anyway I like him just fine," she lied.

"I hope so, because the only thing he knows is you're his mother- he doesn't know what happened to you, or how he arrived."

"I know that."

"And if you think about it, really, Walter's been hurt by Billy, too."

"He wouldn't be alive without him," Anne pointed out.

"Yes, that's true," Marilla admitted. "But the way I see it, you and Walter are both survivors of Billy's crime."

She paused.

"Do you love Walter, Anne?" Marilla asked gently.

"Sure," Anne said. She wasn't very convincing.

Marilla was quiet a moment, then she said, "You know...you don't talk about Billy."

Anne was startled. Why would she? She didn't want to see him, hear of him, or think about him. Why on earth would she want to talk about him?

"Perhaps if you did, it would help? You could get your feelings out- get your anger out! ...You must have a lot of anger all stored up, Anne, with no place to put it."

Anne sighed. "I don't need to talk about my anger."

"But focusing your anger where it belongs might keep you from directing it at Walter."

Anne sat up straighter. "You want me to sit here and talk about Billy? What am I supposed to talk about? How because of his ugly face, my baby isn't even cute?! How he can do anything he wants- who knows, he might even have decided to try college, he might even be earning some kind of a degree right this very minute!- while I couldn't go at all? No, he probably isn't, because he's too dumb! And he gave me a baby who's going to be just as dumb as he is!"

"Anne, you are his mother, and you are kind, and gentle-"

"And I'm wrestling against his very nature," Anne interrupted harshly.

"It comes down to one thing."

"What?" Anne asked, her eyes suddenly rimmed with tears.

"You have to decide if you can love Walter more than you hate Billy."

Anne let out a shuddered breath. "You know what? I want to know what he's doing right now. I want to know what he plans to do with his life." Her last words were spit out.

"Do you really?"

Anne hadn't even realized what she was saying. She shook herself. "No, no, I don't. I don't know why I said that."

"It's all right to wonder. After all, it seems his life has gone on in its merry course while yours has been disrupted. ...You might have something to say about that."

Anne didn't answer.

"You might find it helpful to tell him you're angry."

Anne just breathed. "To confront him?"

Marilla did not want Anne in any danger. "I don't mean directly. But if you want to say something, I think you have a right to say it."