The Three of Us

73. A Rock and a Hard Place

Updating this because the end of the chapter was confusing, I'm sorry.

--

Matthew did not want his sister to find out about John's passing by way of a letter. He wanted to go there and tell her himself, but he felt he could not leave Gilbert. He thought briefly of bringing Gilbert with him, but he knew that Gilbert did not want Anne to know about his father- and the moment Anne saw Gilbert, she would know. But Gilbert traveling all that way with Matthew and not seeing Anne at the end seemed impossible, too. Finally Matthew decided to write to Rachel to tell her, and see if she would be able to speak to Marilla sometime when it was just the two of them, without Anne around.

Rachel waited until they were alone in the boarding house for the night. Knowing without a doubt that John was at death's door when they left, did not make it any easier for Marilla learn that he had at last succumbed to his fate.

In the morning, Rachel went to Anne herself, and told her that Marilla might not be coming in today, as she had woken up with a headache.

It was not a lie.

--

Marilla finally did come back to the hospital, but not until late in the day.

She was worried about Anne's lethargy, but today she was grateful for it: Anne did not seem to notice her face or the fact that Rachel squeezed her close to her side when she came into the room.

Marilla cleared her throat and said, "Anne, I wrote to the Children's Home I visited that time. To ask if they still had room."

Anne did not respond.

"They said they can take him. But they won't take an infant until after it's reached two months. So we'll have to make do until then."

Anne still did not respond.

"Now, I don't know when Dr. Wescott will release you from the hospital, but regardless, we'll be staying in our boarding house for at least another month- maybe longer- because he doesn't want you traveling on the train any sooner than a month from now. So we may be able to just take the baby on to the Home as we're leaving New Brunswick."

When Anne still didn't say anything, Marilla went on: "Ideally we would have a family to put him with, but the Children's Home is a very good one. It isn't a bit like the one you were in. He'll be treated properly there. And there's always the possibility that some family might come along and adopt him."

Anne finally spoke.

"He might end up with someone who won't take care of him."

Right now he's with someone who won't take care of him, Rachel thought to herself. But she kept her mouth shut, realizing it was not a good time to say anything that would upset Marilla. Marilla was doing well just to be functioning right now.

Marilla was happy to hear that response from Anne. It meant that Anne wanted to put some amount of thought into the baby; she wasn't willing to just drop him anywhere.

"We don't have to leave him there," Marilla relented. "I just thought you might feel better if we did."

Anne started to cry. "You think I'm terrible," she sputtered. "You don't want me to have him! You think I hate him!"

Marilla and Rachel looked at each other helplessly.

Anne roughly dragged the basket closer to her, making the baby cry as the basket went bump bump bump over the rumpled quilt.

Anne sat crying, with the basket on her lap, but she still did not look at her baby or pick him up.

Marilla and Rachel were very confused.

--

Gilbert felt unbounded joy when he looked at the envelope in his mail and realized that this time, the address was not written in Miss Cuthbert's handwriting, but in Anne's own.

Dear Gilbert,

I miss you awfully. I wish I'd been able to write, but everything was so mixed up for so long. I'm so tired.

Marilla says I mustn't try to write much now, and she's hovering. She says I can't do anything that might exhaust me. Truthfully, there's very little that doesn't.

I suppose you must be wondering about the baby. He's little and wrinkly and he wails all the time and when he's hungry he screams his little head off and then his face looks all red and purple. I'm already tired of him.

But then, I'm tired all the time anyway, so maybe it isn't his fault. Dr. Wescott says soon he'll lose that newly-born look.

I haven't thought a bit about finding a place for him. There's a Children's Home I can leave him at, but they won't take him until he's two months old. I'd rather a real family take him. Maybe once I'm better, and we come back to Avonlea, I'll have the strength to keep up the search.

All my love,
Anne

Gilbert sighed. He was overjoyed to hear from Anne. But he couldn't help feeling the slightest bit of disappointment: he'd hoped that she might feel some fulfillment in the baby. It did not appear that that was the case.

He thought about what he could do to help find a place for the baby to go, since Anne couldn't seem to attach to it.

--

Much later- long after everything was settled- Anne was sobbing yet again.

"Oh, Anne, you mustn't cry over it. It isn't that bad," Marilla sighed, exasperated with her. "You act as if it's the worst thing that ever happened to anybody!"

"It is," Anne cried. "He's leaving. And there is nothing worse in the world than your baby leaving you!"

"He isn't really going anywhere. He won't be more than a few minute's drive from you. You're being dramatic, and it's ridiculous."

Anne only cried harder.

"You know, you don't have to send him at all. You could keep him home with you."

"No," Anne said, sniffling. "I want him to have other children around him. ...And I think it'll be better for him to go."

"Then you must stop your fussing."

Anne had to get up and leave to find a clean handkerchief.

Rachel came into the room. "What on earth is wrong with her now?"

Marilla said, in a voice to match Anne's drama, "The time has come to be separated from Walter. ...For seven whole hours. She's carrying on as if he's the first six year old child in the world to begin going to school."

"It isn't seven hours- it's seven and a half," Anne sobbed from the next room. "The teacher gives them thirty minutes for lunch!"