The Three of Us

123. Resolution

Anne liked her re-telling of Walter's second Christmas, and then she decided to write about his first Christmas, too. She spoke aloud as she thought about what to write:

"I know everybody else will say it doesn't count as your first Christmas because you hadn't even been born yet, and that your real first Christmas was the one we just had. ...But I counted last year as your first Christmas because you were there- you came with us to the Christmas Eve service- we just didn't know you had come with us. And you ate Christmas dinner, too. You just ate whatever it was I ate that day. Let's see, what did I eat that day? Hmmm. You must have been very small, then...you were...seven weeks? Maybe? I think I'll look in those books Marilla got and see if there's anything that shows what you looked like at just those seven weeks. You must have been awfully tiny because we couldn't even tell you were there. I remember feeling positively heartsick during Christmas because I was so worried about being expect...um, I mean, I was wondering if I might be having a baby. Anyway, Christmas was nice, even though...you know, Matthew gave me a music box...I wonder if you could hear it when you were inside? If you could, then that's the first song you ever heard..."

Anne wrote the few nice things she could think of, and left out that she hadn't been happy to have him. He didn't need to know that, she thought, and she hoped that no one around her would ever tell him. She knew she would have been devastated if she found out no one had ever wanted her.

As soon as she thought she was done writing for the time being, a thought popped into her head:

"Gilbert's father..."

Anne stared at the baby. Then she grabbed her pen again and kept writing. She went on for several pages about how wonderful John Blythe was, and then concluded her passage with: "And that's who I named you after. That's why you're Walter John. I don't know anything about my father, Walter, or I'd tell you about him, too, but John Blythe is a very good person to be named after. He didn't get to meet you face-to-face, but he loved you already, and one time you kicked him- but not in a mean way; it made him happy."

"I wonder if I was named after anyone?" Anne thought suddenly. Her mouth opened in surprise, this idea never having occurred to her before. "Maybe I had a grandmother or somebody named Anne! ...if I did, I hope she spelled it with an E. I wonder if she had red hair?"

When Anne had written all she could think of, she began stacking things up to put away. There was that envelope on the floor, and she assumed it went with Walter's birth certificate, but when she opened it to put the birth certificate inside, she found there was already a paper in it. She slid the paper out and opened it to see what it was.

Miss Cuthbert,

If your words alone did not already prompt in me a sense of true remorse, my dear daughter Jane has turned my heart toward repentance. I feel I must tell you what I know to be true, and it is my hope that you will allow me a moment of your time in reading this...

Anne slumped down against her bed, everything dropping from her lap.

I feel it would be very brazen of me to ask for Anne's or your forgiveness, so I will not ask, nor do I expect to be given it.

I want only to admit my guilt: I attempted to cover up what happened to shield my son from the blame he deserved. I wanted to make people believe that your daughter was lying, and once that proved unsuccessful, I tried to make people believe that she was at fault. I have been embarrassingly uncharitable to your family, all while pretending to be virtuous by offering money. I know, now, how wrong I have been.