The Three of Us

61. Desperation

Anne's dr appointments suck. Even though I did not get pregnant from the assault, I can still write from experience a little bit because having to go to the dr - even just for a regular visit, let alone anything invasive - is just so horrible because you just dont want anyone near you. I'd go for long times knowing I was sick but refusing to go to the dr, preferring just to stay sick, because I was afraid to go let anyone touch me. I've been that way up until just last year. I guess I cant speak for anyone else, but thats how I felt and still do. So Anne feels that too.

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Two days later, they were back at the hospital for the next appointment.

Anne had a new worry. She had been quiet while getting ready in the morning, her face white and her eyes large and watery. Marilla had asked her what was wrong, but she could hardly get two words out of Anne, so she knew something was very wrong. She was glad that Anne's appointment was first thing in the morning.

Once Dr. Wescott came into the room, Anne burst into tears.

"Oh, Anne," Marilla said, feeling tears spring into her own eyes. "What is it?" She turned to the doctor. "She wasn't up more than a few minutes this morning before she acted as if something was wrong. She wouldn't eat her breakfast, and I couldn't get her to talk at all."

"Something is wrong," Anne sobbed. Then she said, "I have to use the privy."

"Is that all?" Marilla asked.

"No, that's not all," Anne cried. "But I have to use it. I have to use it now. I feel like I have to go all the time!"

"Miss Cuthbert, why don't you take her down the hall. I'll wait."

Marilla tried to ask Anne what was wrong as they made their way down the hall, but Anne only cried. Marilla felt her heart thudding in her ears.

Once in the room, Anne still could not tell the doctor what was wrong.

"Anne, stop crying now, you must tell the doctor what's happened!" Marilla tried to convince her.

"I caaaan't," Anne wailed.

"Why not?" Dr. Wescott asked.

"Because then you'll have to do something," Anne cried. "And I don't want you to!"

"But why don't you tell me what it is, first," Dr. Wescott coaxed. "Maybe it's something we can just talk about? ...Remember last time- you were worried about the baby not kicking, and that ended up being just fine, didn't it?"

Anne sat crying for another brief moment and then started to calm herself, as if thinking about this.

Finally she said, "My belly...it feels different, like its moved- and I don't mean the baby moved around like kicking- I mean like my whole belly feels like its moved somehow and I don't know why."

Really, Dr. Wescott thought, he wasn't doing his job if he never touched her. He needed to feel her belly- he should have felt it the previous two visits, too- but he couldn't. He'd have to convince her.

"Would you let me feel the baby?" he asked gently.

He phrased it that way on purpose- thinking that if he phrased it as 'feeling the baby', she wouldn't feel as though he was trying to touch her.

Anne wrapped her arms around herself. "I don't want to," she said, upset. "But I do want you to, because I'm scared, but I don't want you to, too..." she started to cry again.

"I'm sure it won't take long, Anne," Marilla said. "You've just got to get through it, is all. You must."

"Are you worried it's going to hurt if it's touched?" he asked. "It won't."