Persistence

Rebirth.

Pathological- compulsive; obsessive.

"I don't wanna speak about it." I slowly twirled my ankle in a circle while looking down at the floor. "You do know that if you don't talk about your problems, they will not be resolved Ms. Kenson." I just shrugged and continued to look at the floor. I'm not speaking about anything I don't feel comfortable talking about or even more important, I don't wanna talk about! "Alright I'll just tell your doctor not to release you." She stood up from the chair and closed her notepad. "Bitch I don't care! I said I didn't wanna talk about it and I damn sure ain't going too! Now run and tell the doctor I said I'll smack you and drag you around this hospital by your fucking hair!" "Hey! Relax! Now!" Chris stepped inside of the room and came standing by my side. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "She felt the need to threaten me so now I'll take it to the doctor. Have a good day." She gave a fake ass smile before exiting the room.

"Baby you can't be cussing the therapist out, she's just doing her job." He stepped in front of me and lifted my head up by my chin. "She tried to pressure me into talking which is against her job. I don't feel comfortable with talking about...that stuff with a stranger. If anything, I'll talk to you about it with you but not to them." I shook my head, moving his hand out of the way and laying back in the hospital bed.

It's been three days and I'm ready to go home. But I can't leave until my permanent address is with Chris. I 'need' to be under suicide watch until they feel that I don't need to be.   I feel just fine. I'm alive, Great but that still doesn't take away the pain I've endured.

"Well come on, let's talk." He walked over to the door and closed it, pulled the curtain closed and sat down in the seat next to the bed. I rolled my eyes and sighed. "Come on man, I need to know why." He grabbed my hand and held it in his.

"What you wanna know?" I held my arm with my free hand and stared at our hands. I miss this..feeling. It kinda brings me back to before our relationship took a turn for the worst. "Why?" He stared dead at me with a blank expression. So much for making me comfortable.

I looked to the floor and took a deep breath. It's okay, it's only Chris...right?

"I mean...I don't know. I felt like the pain would end if I just took away my own life. It should've been me instead of our children is what I was thinking. And if I can be completely honest, I'm not the happiest about being alive right now because I still feel the same pain of everything that has happened in my life, times ten. From losing my mother, the rape, the abuse, the cheating..everything. My life has flipped upside down in these past two years it's ridiculous. Its like maybe I deserved everything that was coming to me." I shrugged and continued to stare at the floor. "I wish that I could get a board and rearrange my life in the order I want it to go in." A tear slid down my face and I sighed. He rubbed his thumb across the back of my hand and shook his head. "I'm not sayin you don't have the right to feel everything that you're feeling but it's not true. You didn't deserve any of the things you were put through because you're too good of a person for that. We may fuss, fight, argue but at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to do this shit right here, with anyone else. Our kids, may god rest their soul, was taken away from us for a reason as wrong as it may seem...something in our life is going to happen to where we will be exposed to the reason why. I just wish that you didn't think that it was your fault or that you would deserve to die in the place of them. It's too many people here on earth that love you, me being the most. Don't ever try that selfish act again Senia, please?" He leaned in and planted a soft kiss on my cheek, pulling back alittle and looking me directly in the eyes. I could see the genuineness and hurt in his stare, which made me feel bad for attempting.